Help- Not yet. Scared?- YES!

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Smashed-Up-Sanity, Nov 22, 2007.

  1. Smashed-Up-Sanity

    Smashed-Up-Sanity Well-Known Member

    OK so i dont know where to start or anyting! Im so messed up and confused and, and... I dont even know what to say!
    I know i have a problem. It would take and EXTREEMLY ignorent and possibly blind and deaf person to say that i am 'normal' or 'healthy'

    Every day i dont eat before school or during school, after school its ither nothing or binge/purge. The only reason i eat dinner ever night is because my mum forces me to and that causes our ritual family fights that happen every night we are together. I exersizee religiously everynight. If i gain I punish if i loose i do pretty much the same thing... Its always try harder... you can eat less... you can do better.

    I loose control and cut, I know its wrong and its an old habbit i have recently fallen back in to. Its just that if i dont i cant stop crying, i get dizzy and i turn in to a complete mess even more so then before.

    There are certain people that i see, but dont talk to that literally scare the **** out of me. I saw one of those people today, can my heart went from its normal rythem to beating out of my chest. I had to run to the toilets to hide, 10 min later when i was late for class I had to walk in and make up some random story as to why i was late.
    These people bring back memories, 2 of them bad and one person good, really good.
    The good one was my old Counsellor. I reeealy want to be able to talk to her again, she was always there for me and helped me ALOT! But my mum didnt see it that way and now i cant see her again. A whole year later and when i see her I go in to some kind of pannic, I feel like breaking down but i dont know why. I realy want to be able to talk to her again. But i cant because my mum as put 'restrictions' around it and i cant. Everynight i think about how good it would be to find someone to talk to but i dont.

    there is so much else i could write, but i wont, I think i have written enough already...
    Im scared that i am going to fall back in to my old suicidal mess i was in last year but this time with no one to help, trust and suppost except the people my mum hand picks (all of who i hate and dont help... last time i had to fake a recovery to get out)
     
  2. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    :hug:

    We are here for you x