Help please...alone and broken

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Digital Angel, Dec 29, 2007.

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  1. Digital Angel

    Digital Angel Well-Known Member

    This is my new SN, I've decided having an alias isn't worth having everyone addressing you by the wrong name, I've posted here before.

    I've thought about suicide for a few years now but I've only been suicidal since September. I'm not here pity or sympathy, it’s fine but I need any advice on what to do. Someone to listen would help also I suppose. Honestly, I want to live more than anything. I'm not an immediate risk of suicide but my problems are real and I'm afraid I may fall down that suicidal slope and have a desire to kill myself soon. My mind is broken but I'll try to say this as best I can. A lot of this is hard for me to say, I’ve kept much of this to myself forever now.

    I'm not going to delve much into the details of the past, tragic childhood, tragic past that's all you need to know. I am a nineteen year old male, currently living by myself, in college, and no job.

    I'm hearing impaired. I believe this is from a slightly overt amount of noise exposure and the chronic stress in my life. I noticed my hearing problems during senior year, one of the most stressful times of my life. During finals this month I developed tinnitus in my left ear and while it has subsided dramatically it's still there. I also strongly suspect this was stress related as I was undergoing massive amounts of stress during that time. The tinnitus has given me a sense of urgency to try to fix my life before it’s too late, it’s very nerve racking knowing it’s there all the time and it’s a reminder I can’t hide from any of this.

    I have a slew of physical problems, among them carpal tunnel, feet and knee weakness and soreness, and neck sore/weakness. I have chronic masturbation problems and generally a problem with using self-destructive behaviors for gratification. Mostly this is doing something to extreme excess than what would be considered normal use. After I discovered hands-free orgasm these got worse and soon after I started having trouble of getting up and general disinterest in sex/masturbation. Also, I believe I have blood flow problems in general are likely because I do have tinnitus which is often caused by that. I stop caring for nearly a year because of this and just focused on gaming until my carpal tunnel became worse and my fingers began to become numb I had no escape from anything. I’ve never had a serious girlfriend and like I know sex is important to the vast majority of girls so this is why made me so distraught. I’m also paranoid about a lot of things which didn’t help, I wasn’t able to think clearly at this time. I’ve been in a stressful under stimulated state since the end of Junior year and to an extent my entire life. I believe that stress has been the cause of some of my issues and also amplification for the majority of my issues. Since I’ve begun to focus my mind and stop spending all my time on the computer my problems my sex drive issues have somewhat alleviated and I believe once I get social again this and my tinnitus may subside more. Also the fact that I did have a brief sexual relationship with a girl that she loved until we stopped because she wanted a “relationship“, and it helps that I’m bigger than normal so it gives me a little leeway with the whole getting up problems.

    I've blocked out the vast majority of my past but it still has an affect on my mental functioning. I have memory problems, and while I am very smart, years of endless video games, social isolation, and an endless avoidance of responsibility for immediate pleasure have tarnished my mental processing speed.

    Lastly, I've been almost completely isolated from others outside of school since the end of junior year when my mom moved us and I went to stay with my aunt. I feel that if I could get a social life of sorts again it would help me to get through my other problems. Life is unbelievably hard when you have nothing to look forward to. I get drug like-highs on the rare occasion that I have a good social experience with someone. This is a testament to how isolated I have felt through this time. I have a few people I feel as if I could pursue a stronger social relationship with but am weary of doing so and unsure of how to do this. How do I go about meeting people? I have potential to have a great personality, but it’s hard when you haven’t been social for so long. I suspect that my hearing will improve a small degree or stop declining if I do this and believe this will help give me the energy and focus to rehabilitate myself. I can list the people if need be, and maybe someone here can give me some advice.

    Not everything is bad, I have some good things going for me. I'm attractive, extremely intelligent, and would like to live. Albeit my mind is broken from years of under stimulation and self-destructiveness. I’m in love with a girl that lives a long distance away and we mean everything to each other, we are genuinely in love and I want to stay here for her. It just seems sometimes I can never be as good as a normal guy because of my hearing impairment…I don’t know.

    I'm on break right now and I have nearly three weeks to straighten out some of these things. I know I can rehabilitate my carpal tunnel and neck problems, I’ve nearly done it completely before, I just need time and if I can resolve my social issues it’ll give me the strength to keep up with my therapy. I think I can maybe rehabilitate my knees and feet also, but yeah I have more important things to worry about right now than that as they aren’t completely life disabling. I’m just overwhelmed with everything but I’m trying to isolate issues and focus on 2-3 at a time and I’m working on getting more sleep so I have a slightly longer day, and can be more productive because I’m not tired all day. I also write down my events of the day everyday now and little things to make life less stressful, I’ve found that journaling my events everyday in my Xanga has helped improve my memory even if it slightly aggravates my hands. One last thing, since I did have sex with someone, how do I go about getting tested for STDs. (I have no symptoms but would like to be safe)

    I tried to describe my situation in detail but obviously not everything is there, if you need me to elaborate on anything please ask. I realize it may seem like I came to quick conclusions on many of these things but I do research and test my hypothesizes so they are usually right. My life has basically been spent growing up with incompetent parents and feeling inadequate my entire life for various reasons. I really want to change.
  2. titanic

    titanic Well-Known Member

    I hope you can continue to build on the positives. :smile:
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