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Help, Please

Evan1

Well-Known Member
#1
I have a lot of mixed feelings. So my boyfriend (Let's call him E) has this high school friend (Let's call her A) and recently these past few months they've been hanging out more and talk more often. She knows me and I've met her before and she seemed like a nice person. And like, this would be completely fine if it weren't for the fact that she's a threat to his mental health. I'm really worried about him. He's dealt with an abusive friend/ex in the past and he's told me that his interactions with A reminds him of his abusive ex. I've heard the things A's said and done and it's just giving me all kinds of red flags. A is also going through some stuff of her own but she dumps it all on my bf and just in general guilt trips quite often. Every time he talks to her he feels really upset and it's bringing back up his unresolved trauma. I love him to bits and pieces and I want to help him and be here for him but I don't know how.

Recently, A revealed to him that she's romantically interested in him and thought they were "on the same page." But, here's the thing. A has a boyfriend and she also KNOWS me and E are dating. After hearing this, a lot of the things she's said made more sense. Telling E that hes her favorite person and getting upset telling him oh but she's not his favorite. Her always wanting to hang out and E not being able to say no because he has trouble with boundaries even when he really didn't want to but he was scared of how she'd react. Part of it is fear that if he stops talking to her she'll kill herself or something. E keeps obsessing over her and being constantly reminded of all the abuse from his ex that he doesn't even acknowledge as trauma or abuse and says he's fine when he's clearly not. He's told me the things his ex has done and said and it sounds absolutely horrible. To this day, his ex messages him every single day saying really bad things and he reads them. He doesn't answer but he can't make himself stop reading the messages. He's obsessed with it. He says it's because it comforts him to know that she's still alive.

Also, I don't think she likes me. Not because of me or anything but literally just because I'm E's boyfriend. When I hung out with E, A, and her boyfriend, she wouldn't look at me. I thought I was imagining it but E said he noticed too.

After her revealing she was into him and E saying he doesn't feel that way she cut off their friendship (this is like the second time). She's a really unstable person. Later in the day she kept calling him over and over and he wouldn't pick because deep down he doesn't want this to keep going, but in the end, he felt guilty and gave in and now everything is back to "normal." He's like oh everything is fine now, but I know it's just going to keep happening.

And honestly I'm pretty mad too. I don't want to get my own feelings involved in this but the fact that E is still friends with someone who was trying to cheat on her boyfriend and kind of encouraging him to cheat on me too? That's pretty messed up and it hurt me. She was even telling him like "you've known me for all of high school and you've only met him a year ago and yet you're closer to him and with him??" as if implying that our relationship isn't as important because she's known him longer.

I don't know what to do.
 

Froggie

Active Member
#4
I already talked to him about it but it doesn’t really change much. I’m mostly worried about him and how everything’s affecting him.
He may feel kinda trapped because of he doesn't want conflict I wonder if there is someone else that sees it and willing to help convince him she's hurting him and u sometimes when there is more then one it could be easier to talk to someone u care about. It's how I had to handle something like this. Just remember u have to making sure ur taking care of yourself as well. I wish you luck and here if u need to talk.
 

Walker

Admin-a-monkey
ADMIN
SF Social Media
SF Author
SF Supporter
#5
He needs to get his priorities straight here. I'm really sorry you're going through this. Frankly this'd is on him, imo - there's not much you can do without looking like a lunatic (telling him he's not "allowed" to speak to her etc) She probably is a low level that to your relationship and you have reason to be a bit concerned. He needs to get his shit together here.
 

EmB

Absolute Peach!
#6
Yeah, sadly, it is a matter of him making that decision, not you. Don't get me wrong, if I were you, I'd want to tell A and E's ex to bugger right off, but you also have to respect that those are E's choices to make. You should talk, say what you've said here, say how it makes you feel and tell him you see how it makes him feel.

Once you've talked (I see you've already done this), all you can do is support him. Try suggesting plenty of things for you guys to do together, so he has time to escape and breathe and enjoy life with you. Maybe suggest he seeks out therapy - sounds like he's also struggling very much with this, with the situation with his ex, and with his own self-worth.

And my last bit of advice? Look after yourself. Don't let A's abusive behavior damage you. Make time to look after yourself and take a breather if you need it. You need to look after yourself not only because you deserve to be happy, but because you can't support the way you'd like without any energy or happiness. You can't pour from an empty cup!

Sending hugs

Em
 

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