I know I have typed a lot and i know some will probably look at the wall of text and think screw that and press back button. But please give the time, Id appreciate it sincerely if you read. Well I need help. Ive been on this forum for around 2 years, Ive gone through all the motions, emotions and the constant struggle of the uncertainty to live but now I have to face reality this September. I just finished high school in June, I don't know how I felt about it. I feel like Im finally out of that lonely hell of an existance, but at the same time I feel trapped within the confines of regret. I sorta fell for this girl in my last year but now shes just a memory which I can't change and I can't help but think about it everyday. Everyday I think about what could have been and what could be different if I said different things to different people in the past. My anxiety pretty much took control of me throughout high school, and I lost myself to marijuana and just being a self-hating machine. When I think back of high school I think of hiding under the stairs alone during the lunches in grade 11 and 12 but in grade 9 and 10 I made friends I never thought I would. Also I think of past failures with several girls, when the only problem was me and that I was afraid to show myself, it's like I chose this lonely life when I didn't. Anyway since high school is over... I don't know what to do with my life. I feel 50% scared of going to college, while I feel 50% going to college could be an escape to all of this. That's not the only problem... throughout high school my self-esteem and inner self has become inflated. I only thought of how to present myself without actually being that self. After years of practicing that psychotic art... I now completely don't know who I am. I feel like a child. I can't even look people in the eyes and keep a conversation going. I just don't know what to ask and I just feel the other person has better people to talk to. Also at the same time I feel selfish talking about myself, I feel selfish at the thought of flaunting anything I can do decent thinking it would make them feel inferior. I just follow the motions of asking the same question back when I am asked something like for example how are you? and I say how about you? etc. I can't even stand looking at what I see in the mirror. I hate what I have become. I've burned bridges. And for so long I have been trying to find a cure, trying to find security in all this. I just find it fucked up how there are people like me who get completely destroyed by high school being taught all of these rules and experiencing utter loneliness and then when that is over, you are expected to pretend none of that happened and go on with your life unsure what you want to be after all the shit youve been through. And you know maybe it is just me being sensitive but maybe the world is actually just insensitive. Ok back to topic... I need help, I don't know what to do for college. I don't know what career to choose. I hate thinking of the idea that picking a career to choose is like your sole identity from there on and theres no turning back. It scares me. Thats partially why I don't know what to do with my life. But I sorta had a dream having a job with disney or something or like playing bass for miley cyrus or demi lovato or someone lol ya it sounds kinda gay. But I feel like Im fooling myself, Ive been so used to watching dreams die so i don't know what to believe. Does anyone here love what career they have chosen? and what is it? what is a good job with nice people around? Can someone try to visualize themselves in my shoes and think of a job I could be interested in. I just have this bitter cynicalness in me that I just don't know. I don't want to go through more lonely times like this damn summer but I don't want to feel like shit anymore when im around people. I know I can fight it and forget the past though if I meet new understanding people. So yea please reply guys/gals... what is a decent career? I know most will say...'well what do you enjoy doing?' well I like playing my bass guitar and piano but music can't secure me a good paycheck. I could imagine myself making 3d animation movies which is cool, or working in a business room like in the movie 'I love you, man' where the guy works as a real estate guy, with all the friendly people. It seems cool. But ya please reply people.