Help please...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Angelo_91, Aug 7, 2009.

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  1. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    I know I have typed a lot and i know some will probably look at the wall of text and think screw that and press back button. But please give the time, Id appreciate it sincerely if you read.

    Well I need help.

    Ive been on this forum for around 2 years, Ive gone through all the motions, emotions and the constant struggle of the uncertainty to live but now I have to face reality this September. I just finished high school in June, I don't know how I felt about it. I feel like Im finally out of that lonely hell of an existance, but at the same time I feel trapped within the confines of regret. I sorta fell for this girl in my last year but now shes just a memory which I can't change and I can't help but think about it everyday. :( Everyday I think about what could have been and what could be different if I said different things to different people in the past. My anxiety pretty much took control of me throughout high school, and I lost myself to marijuana and just being a self-hating machine. When I think back of high school I think of hiding under the stairs alone during the lunches in grade 11 and 12 but in grade 9 and 10 I made friends I never thought I would. Also I think of past failures with several girls, when the only problem was me and that I was afraid to show myself, it's like I chose this lonely life when I didn't.

    Anyway since high school is over... I don't know what to do with my life. I feel 50% scared of going to college, while I feel 50% going to college could be an escape to all of this. That's not the only problem... throughout high school my self-esteem and inner self has become inflated. I only thought of how to present myself without actually being that self. After years of practicing that psychotic art... I now completely don't know who I am. I feel like a child. I can't even look people in the eyes and keep a conversation going. I just don't know what to ask and I just feel the other person has better people to talk to. Also at the same time I feel selfish talking about myself, I feel selfish at the thought of flaunting anything I can do decent thinking it would make them feel inferior. I just follow the motions of asking the same question back when I am asked something like for example how are you? and I say how about you? etc. I can't even stand looking at what I see in the mirror. I hate what I have become. I've burned bridges. And for so long I have been trying to find a cure, trying to find security in all this.

    I just find it fucked up how there are people like me who get completely destroyed by high school being taught all of these rules and experiencing utter loneliness and then when that is over, you are expected to pretend none of that happened and go on with your life unsure what you want to be after all the shit youve been through. And you know maybe it is just me being sensitive but maybe the world is actually just insensitive.

    Ok back to topic... I need help, I don't know what to do for college. I don't know what career to choose. I hate thinking of the idea that picking a career to choose is like your sole identity from there on and theres no turning back. It scares me. Thats partially why I don't know what to do with my life. But I sorta had a dream having a job with disney or something or like playing bass for miley cyrus or demi lovato or someone lol ya it sounds kinda gay. But I feel like Im fooling myself, Ive been so used to watching dreams die so i don't know what to believe.

    Does anyone here love what career they have chosen? and what is it? what is a good job with nice people around? Can someone try to visualize themselves in my shoes and think of a job I could be interested in. I just have this bitter cynicalness in me that I just don't know. I don't want to go through more lonely times like this damn summer but I don't want to feel like shit anymore when im around people. I know I can fight it and forget the past though if I meet new understanding people. So yea please reply guys/gals... what is a decent career?

    I know most will say...'well what do you enjoy doing?' well I like playing my bass guitar and piano but music can't secure me a good paycheck. I could imagine myself making 3d animation movies which is cool, or working in a business room like in the movie 'I love you, man' where the guy works as a real estate guy, with all the friendly people. It seems cool. But ya please reply people.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 7, 2009
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Just a thought but most employment centers offer some guidance in helping you find a career or field that best suits your credientals. Maybe take a day to go talk to a counselor there. Or start off in a part time job so you atleast have some money to cover daily expenses and keep looking around til something catches your attention. Good luck.
  3. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    I do have a part time job... I work at a gas station and it really sucks but i take it for granted.

    So weird...It has been like 2 hours since i made the thread and my mood has already changed from a bit optimistic to I feel like going on a killing spree.
  4. elvinchild

    elvinchild Well-Known Member

    Hey there.. I had quite a bit of trouble in high school too, I was a bit of a social recluse as I have horrible social anxiety. The anxiety has worsened as I get older, and I find it very difficult to have conversations with people - especially people I don't know, but even my few friends. I've driven most people I care about away from me and spend most of my time alone.

    I look back a lot too wondering how I could have done things different, I feel really angry at myself sometimes. I also feel like people would rather be talking to other people than me, and I feel self-absorbed talking about myself and like they don't care. Gosh there's quite a bit I can relate to that you said, of course its probably not exactly the same but similar anyway.

    I'm young too and am not sure what I want to do in college. I took two years of it and had 3 different majors, now I'm taking time off. Choosing a career path is tough, but I think you can always go back to school and switch your career too if you end up unhappy. Also just because you major in one thing doesn't mean that has to be your exact career, as you may have learned skills that apply to other jobs.

    I'm not sure what to tell you about what to major in... but I don't think you should give up on music! I'm a musician too, and I wouldn't count on it as my only career, but I've worked hard on it and at this point I'm able to make some money from it. If you write songs, or can cover some popular music, you could try getting some gigs at coffee shops/clubs/restaurants/etc. Or, you could play for music theater or weddings if you read music. You could also consider teaching private lessons. I've done all of this except for teach lessons, and after a few years I've really started making a decent amount of money.
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    You definitely should go to college or you will never have a good paying job..You like animation, why not take computers and become an animater for computer games..Go back to your high school and talk to a couselor about careers..He/she may be able to guide you in the right direction..I agree about your music, don't give up on it.. Maybe take it as a minor in college..Have you thought about group therapy.. You will be with people who share alot of the same problems..I hope you get some help in guiding you down the right path..Take Care!!

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    seems to me that most of your feelings right now stem from that girl in high school. typicaly, the first thing that is on your mind, is the thing we start out with when we write.
    when our thoughts keep bringing us to the past, we tend to NEVER raise the bar on our expectations. we allow our past to control out future.

    you allowed yourself to become engrossed in what COULD HAVE BEEN.
    you are now at a threshold that will allow yourself to move into a new setting. new ppl and new oppertunities.

    i guess i could be concidered lonely in high school as well. i didnt have many friends. almost everyone there went to work at fast food places .. i didnt. i persued my challenge and did differant. why ? becasue im not them.
    i had and have my own talents. i didnt have a girlfriend. the first one i got .. sadly to say was when i was 39. its just the way things went. that didnt even work out. OH WELL.
    we all make mistakes in our life. we all have some kind of emptyness lingering around from the past.
    the question is, do you feel like you are worth the effort to do something for yourself, and not haviing to be like other ppl?

    if you base your so far " young life" on not being lonely and creating a wall around any expectations becasue of that .... i have to agree that you should be pissed off at the world.
    im almost 50, i dont nor have i ever had that many friends. yes i did the drug and booze scene. but even then ... i allowed myself ,,, good or bad to become ME.

    i realised that it was time to change things about myself. amazing how many ppl will state theres nothing wrong with them.

    you dont have to be like anyone else. but maybe, just maybe theres still some growing to be done in your life.

    seems pretty sad to not allow yourself at your age to just let it all go.
    to many ppl shut their lives down because they cant secure a good relationshp.
    well, TO MANY RELATIONSHIPS DONT WORK. your not the only one.
    its time to get up off your ass and make something of yourself and for yourself.
    for the most part this is a selfish world. relationships arnt what they used to be.
    the question you have to ask yourself is simple.... am i worth more than what i think of myself because i allowed the past to control me?
    when we reach out and attempt new beginnings .. and you got one available to you right now ... we are allowed to make new choices, we are given new oppertunities.

    like the wrestler hulk hogan used to say ... NOW, WHATCHA GUNNA DO ABOUT THAT?
    you control your own destiny, no one else.

    odies thoughts
  7. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    whatever you do major in,FOLLOW THROUGH until graduation.Nothin gelse matters right now but that you grduate from college.It is essential.That and of course,trying to find what you'd love to do.When you think you know what you would LOVE to do..FOLLOW THROUGH and graduate.Also,college isn't like high school.I was so horribly alone in high school.In college,I found that there were so many people like me who felt a new found freedom in college..a chance to be yourself..and guess what?Being yourself in college is COOL! I had friends and wish I had stuck it out in college now.I had all the chances to enjoy life I never had in high school.You will do great..just go for it!
  8. Jasin

    Jasin Member

    Dude, just let me tell you that I could have typed what you just typed. Just about everything you said is something that I could have typed after high school, and I could still type some of that stuff now at 27 years old. I was obsessed with a girl that happened to be the hottest girl in school, and unbelievably, she was almost just as obsessed with me. I didn’t act on it because I felt like I didn’t deserve a girlfriend, much less a really fucking hot one. I had ZERO friends. I used to just sit in the bathroom stall at lunch time for the full 50 minute period by myself rather than be in the lunchroom. I now can look back and see how smart, funny, athletic, and good looking I was, even though I didn’t see it at the time. I still obsess over girls (currently am) that my lack of confidence prohibits me from getting and I still struggle with my self esteem, but I feel like I am turning a corner.

    I can tell you for a fact that I am just as obsessed over a certain girl as you are. It is so fucking unhealthy. Why do I obsess? I have no life. When I go to college in about a month, I will obsess less because I will see other girls. Same thing for you - once you get a life and meet other girls, the obsession will lessen. Even as I type that part of me doesn’t believe it, but logically it is true. There are literally billions of fucking girls out there. You (and I) just have to get out and see them.

    When you talk about visualizing the person that you want to be and never becoming that person, I can say that I have been doing that my whole life. I don’t know who I am right now and won’t until I get out into the world. I have basically been housebound because of anxiety since high school and taken online classes. What you need to remember is that everybody is trying to find themselves, especially people your age. Maybe not to the degree that you are, but nobody is totally content with themselves.

    As far as your career - pick something to major in in college that you know will get you a decent paycheck. Have a meeting with an academic adviser at whatever school you are going to and tell him/her what you just told us about your interests and what you might like to be involved in. You don’t have to give up your dreams about music. You can still do music and work on that while you are going to college. Good luck to both of us.
  9. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I think you should go to college. But remember that you don't have to choose a career right away. If you start out in one major and you aren't happy with it, you can switch. It took me a while to figure out what I really wanted to do!!
  10. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    Thank you itmahanh, elvinchild, Stranger1, ODIECOM, ashes_away, Jasin, and WildCherry. I read all of your replies and sincerely took it all. Today I had a very heartwrenching taste of reality kind of day. I went to a house party with all of these other teens... I felt it all, the feeling of not belonging, the feeling of being slapped with reality and seeing myself fall upon the confines of comparison with real people my age. I couldnt help but think to myself... no wonder the memories of the past never cared that much, because I am an anti-social... a sick minded, social reject. I felt it all. The shame included, like a super painful punch to the gut, and I can't help but smile with this horrible sinking feeling. This same feeling I feel every morning...Every fucking morning, where I see and have no interest in even waking up. Just waking up to nothing, nothing but a rerun of the last. The reality I have been living isn't my reality. The weight of the world and capped bottle of hatred being lifted within me. I made a fool of myself in front of everyone today, and it tastes so evil, like more logs thrown on the fire, all another better reason to hate myself and the world even more.

    Though, I feel better after reading all of your replies. Right this second, I really feel a bit more optimistic about this whole new beginning. All of your words and advice meant a lot reading through sincerely, and I feel they have put some sense into whatever is left of me. This feeling of being a coldhearted motherfucker, it isn't all that bad, it gives me stength to move forward. Im going to bed now, better days await! .......Im still open to more advice or words of wisdom.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 9, 2009

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    well, when you say better days await ..
    thats a start. first of all ... and im taking a wild guess here, you should start working on WHY YOU HAVE SO MUCH ANGER built up inside of you.

    i know what anger and hatred are like. in that scenerio .. you never fit in anywhere. your fighting ... not everyone else .. BUT YOURSELF.
    been there done that.

    i didnt socialise well with others back then either. truth is, i had such a chip on my shoulder towards other ppl that i never allowed my self to be accepted.

    you stated the past .. well. find out what in your past made you angery and work on it.

    it takes time, and you may never have greats social skills, but you will release the pain from within and you will be able to function without all that anger and hatred.

  12. CPessimist

    CPessimist Well-Known Member

    major in something you find interesting, and don't worry about it directly leading to a career necessarily, the degree is mostly just a piece of paper telling people how cool you are. A lot of people who get college degrees end up not doing anything remotely related (my mom got a chemistry degree and now manages people in a factory).

    Don't lose the social battle before it is fought. Most people are nice and want to be liked, so let them have what they want!

    Also angelo, about not wanting to wake up every morning, find a cool hobby that you like a lot and try to do it in the morning. (Like set 9am as the time you are going to play piano, if piano was going to be your hobby) I find that after I get myself out of bed I can be mildly productive and the first step is really the hardest.
  13. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Sure what and how you are feeling may seem ok for now. You want to accept it as your reality because not to means working at changing it. And I think you are probably feeling so overwhelmed with too much to want to work at anything let alone changing who or what you are right now. I also think you need to be this way (coldhearted as you put it) so that nothing else can really get in to hurt you. But it's not the real you hun. And you know it too. Once a few things start changing for the better so will you. But right now it is a form of protection. When you feel stronger I'm pretty sure it will slowly disappear. For now just keep holding on to us here and use a little of the strength you will find in our words, caring and support. Baby steps hun. They are always the start of a greater journey!
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