help please

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by elvinchild, Aug 26, 2009.

  1. elvinchild

    elvinchild Well-Known Member

    My boyfriend is angry at me because I am afraid he will leave me. I don't know what to do because I can't change my feelings, everything that's happening in our relationship is exactly the same as my last one and that ended horribly. Things were going great and Monday night he said it was ok for me to depend on him and I could talk to him anytime I needed, I opened up and felt really, truly safe with him for the first time in my life. It was beautiful. He said it didn't stress him out. He said he was happy about it. I warned him I am depressed a lot and he'll get tired. He said its not too much.

    And now yesterday he came over and said that he needs to take care of himself and take a break from the stress of it all (me and my problems). That he needs space and I can't depend on him. That he can't deal with me being depressed "all the time" and stay healthy.

    It was a sudden turn around with nothing going on in between the two days to influence his decision other than his own thoughts, and he contradicted himself... and I just went into panic because its a familiar situation that happened with my ex. How do I trust someone who is constantly wavering from one feeling to another?

    So now he's angry at me because I'm afraid to trust him and afraid for our relationship. I don't know how to handle this at all, someone please please help.

    In my last relationship I trusted my ex's every word despite all the contradictions, I worked with whatever he said, and I continued to reach out to him anyway and take his support when he offered it. So I feel like I can't do that this time.

    I have a plan of how to handle this but its probably horribly horribly wrong. What can I do please someone help I don't know how to handle this and I feel like if I mess up this relationship my life will be in ruins.
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    hey hun take is slow. I feel for you as you laid yourself out there and got hurt and I am sorry. I think that you need to go into therapy because our thoughts are often too much for loved ones who are ill equipped to deal with the frequency and intensity of our thoughts/feelings. I don't mean any disrespect I have just seen this scenario happen all to often and it has happened to me. They say what is truly in their hearts but in reality their minds can not handle ALL of it so if you can broaden you support base and get a counselor I am fairly certain that will lighten the load on any partner you have.
    Please give it some thought and please know you are no too much for me to deal with!!!
    Hugs Bambi
  3. elvinchild

    elvinchild Well-Known Member

    Thanks Bambi but I am already in therapy and so is he, I go twice a week. But he comes with me so I was thinking of asking him to stop so he doesn't have to be so aware of what's going on. Thanks though, it helps to think of it the way you put it ~ "They say what is truly in their hearts but in reality their minds can not handle ALL of it"
  4. Mikeintx

    Mikeintx Well-Known Member

    I am kinda sympathetic to how your boyfriend is feeling, im sure when he said initially he didnt have a problem with your depression and whatnot he really did not know how bad it would be. It sounds like he is realizing how bad it is and although he cares a lot about you, he is having trouble coping with your issues and his at the same time.

    I really think anyone with the type of issues we deal with should try to stay single for as long as possible until they are past a majority of their problems... I mean if we are having problems dealing and coping with our own problems how can we deal with other peoples?

    If I was in your situation I would say: "Look I really care about you and really want this relationship to work, but I think we should both be single for a while and deal with our own issues first before we try this again." Whats that saying about true love and how if you let someone go and they come back you know it was for real? I am not saying this would be easy at all but it is just my viewpoint on things... I have found staying single the past year or two has really helped in my therapy and getting better as I only have to deal with my problems and noone elses.

    No matter what happens I hope things work out well for you. Take care.
  5. elvinchild

    elvinchild Well-Known Member

    You have a really good point Mike and I've definitely thought about it... it definitely would be hard to do, he is the only person who is really there for me and I imagine if we separated that I wouldn't have anyone anymore. That and I think we have something good, if I broke it off things might get rough between us and it might be done for good. It seems like bad timing to think of taking time for myself, because I'm just moving in this week, and if I don't move in I have nowhere to go other than my parents, which is a traumatic situation... of course moving in with someone for convenience is the wrong reason, its not what I'm doing, its just that it makes the idea of ending it harder. I work with him too, I feel like I'd be forced to quit my job. But I guess I got myself into this mess.

    Despite all that, I think you really are right. Now more than ever, since this is the second relationship this has happened in. I just don't know if I can get the courage to go single, I'm afraid the series of events that it would trigger would drive me to suicide, or at least leave me a lot worse off.
  6. Mikeintx

    Mikeintx Well-Known Member

    I def understand what you mean... but looking at the upcoming events and what will most likely happen(that you have reconized due to your past relationships) it may end anyhow... and then when it ends you will still be living with him, working with him, and since you say he is the only one there for you, you will have noone...

    You could look at this with pessimism or you could see it as the catalyst you need for positive change... Start looking for other relationships that do not have any form of dependency(friendships I mean) for a support system, try to find a suitable housing arrangement, see if maybe you could scope out a new job or at least change positions at the one you have... change is NEVER easy but doing what is hard now may reap big benefits for you later on...

    I am saying this because for the first time in my life I feel comfortable enough at the age of 24 to want to be in a relationship and know that I could do so without any of my previous problems interfering... I would have never gotten here if I was not single for the greater part of the past couple of years... looking back I would not change a thing.

    If you think about it, why are we here on this forum? Why are we suicidal? It is because we do not have the capacity or ability at the moment to cope with our mental problems so we believe suicide is the only way out... external problems in our lives are not going to help us get better, only bring us down more so... especially when those problems stem from something that can cut so deep such as love... well its late and im babbling so im gonna end this now but I hope it works out for u tc