I got very triggered today. And I think it ties back to my abuse, even though what happened today actually had nothing to do with it at all.
Someone today told me to get over it and just deal with it. It wasn't about abuse, but my depression.
Ok, a little backstory... my older brother sexually abused me every Sunday morning from when I was 8 till I was 16. It stopped when I finally worked up the courage to tell one of my teachers (he was a godsend). Well, long story short, my parents found out and I ended up being the one blamed. I was told to change the way I dressed and some of the things I did... in effect, that I brought it upon myself. My dad told me this. My brother received no punishment whatsoever.
I was told a LOT to just get over it and deal with it. Those words hurt me a lot. I don't react well to them these days.
I worked in therapy for so many years to overcome being a victim, to progress to being a survivor, then finally to redefine myself so that being a survivor isn't all that I am. I got to the point where it's just a part of who I am and that being abused doesn't consume my every waking thought. I'm very proud of those accomplishments. It was very hard work and I earned everything I got out of it. These days it hardly even comes into my head. When it does, it's rarely with much emotion.
At least until today, that is. And that worries me.
When I'm severely stressed (like now), the old abuse issues come up for me. They seem to take on more power until I feel like I've lost everything I worked so hard for. I'm struggling with them right now, trying not to go over the edge. I can sense them in the background, waiting for the opportunity to pop up again.
When this person told me those things today, I snapped. I wanted to start screaming and throwing things. It was all I could do to be civil in my responses to his posts to me. I'm still angry just thinking about it. I doubt he meant to provoke this kind of reaction. He probably thought he was actually helping. But right now, I'm just pissed off. :furious: And I want to curl up in a ball and cry. :blub:
It's all coming back up for me. I'm having enough problems right now without having to deal with all this old stuff too. I remember how much it hurt to work through the abuse. I don't want to feel that hurt again and I'm scared that I don't have a choice. :sad:
I'm having flashbacks and feeling the beginnings of a panic attack. God, I haven't had those since I finished my work with this crap.
It scares me that this non-related thing has provoked such an intense reaction. It's been a very long time (years) since I've been triggered like this and always in the past it was very obviously related to my sexual abuse. This wasn't related at all, yet I flipped out and still am, to a degree... what is wrong with me??:unsure:
Someone today told me to get over it and just deal with it. It wasn't about abuse, but my depression.
Ok, a little backstory... my older brother sexually abused me every Sunday morning from when I was 8 till I was 16. It stopped when I finally worked up the courage to tell one of my teachers (he was a godsend). Well, long story short, my parents found out and I ended up being the one blamed. I was told to change the way I dressed and some of the things I did... in effect, that I brought it upon myself. My dad told me this. My brother received no punishment whatsoever.
I was told a LOT to just get over it and deal with it. Those words hurt me a lot. I don't react well to them these days.
I worked in therapy for so many years to overcome being a victim, to progress to being a survivor, then finally to redefine myself so that being a survivor isn't all that I am. I got to the point where it's just a part of who I am and that being abused doesn't consume my every waking thought. I'm very proud of those accomplishments. It was very hard work and I earned everything I got out of it. These days it hardly even comes into my head. When it does, it's rarely with much emotion.
At least until today, that is. And that worries me.
When I'm severely stressed (like now), the old abuse issues come up for me. They seem to take on more power until I feel like I've lost everything I worked so hard for. I'm struggling with them right now, trying not to go over the edge. I can sense them in the background, waiting for the opportunity to pop up again.
When this person told me those things today, I snapped. I wanted to start screaming and throwing things. It was all I could do to be civil in my responses to his posts to me. I'm still angry just thinking about it. I doubt he meant to provoke this kind of reaction. He probably thought he was actually helping. But right now, I'm just pissed off. :furious: And I want to curl up in a ball and cry. :blub:
It's all coming back up for me. I'm having enough problems right now without having to deal with all this old stuff too. I remember how much it hurt to work through the abuse. I don't want to feel that hurt again and I'm scared that I don't have a choice. :sad:
I'm having flashbacks and feeling the beginnings of a panic attack. God, I haven't had those since I finished my work with this crap.
It scares me that this non-related thing has provoked such an intense reaction. It's been a very long time (years) since I've been triggered like this and always in the past it was very obviously related to my sexual abuse. This wasn't related at all, yet I flipped out and still am, to a degree... what is wrong with me??:unsure:
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