help (*T*?)

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by *dilligaf*, Aug 8, 2006.

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  1. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    um hi,
    i don't really know if i should be on here or not.
    im desperate to lose weight-i am fat and i hate the way i look. in fact i hate myself. sometimes i dont eat if i can help it (i live with my nan and she does force food down me a lot but i try to make excuses) i wouldn't say i was anorexic because i am fat. today i have eaten a banana and then some mashed potato with gravy. i need advice, HOW DO YOU pretend you have eaten when you haven't when you're living with someone 24/7? any tips for stopping yourself picking?
    also a little while ago i tried making myself sic after eating a big meal, but i couldn't do it...i used my fingers as faras i could, and also tried a toothbrush but nothing worked. HOW DO YOU do it?
    please i really need to do this
    sam x x
     
  2. makeitlooksoprettyburning

    makeitlooksoprettyburning Well-Known Member

    Babe the only advise I want to give u is stop now!
    So your not happy with your weight? Who is? If you really do think "ur fat" try diet and exercise. Sure it's a hell of a lot harder, but since when is the 'easy way out' the best one?
    I'm not anorexic or bullimic now (despite my best efforts) but I am in the middle of eating disorder hell. I'm not underweight either, that really doesn't mean I'm not sick. Because I am. And I really hope your not.
    If you can't "fix this" alone, get help! Get rid of this while you still can please. You deserve so much better than an eating disorder. Trust me. It's sheer hell. No matter how much u think u do, I can assure u that its not worth it.

    Anyway boys like curvy girls way more than anorexic ones. (*whoops. just realised u could be a boy. haha if u are the same applies only in reverse)

    I do not mean any offense by this. I'm only trying to save you from yourself. Please don't take offense. :)
     
  3. makeitlooksoprettyburning

    makeitlooksoprettyburning Well-Known Member

    Please read this aswell (courtesy of ForgetMeNot):
    (I dunno how to put a link on so I'll just have to copy nd paste!)

    So...you think starving is a good way to lose weight, do you? I think you've read too many fairy tales. Well, this isn't one. Neither are eating disorders. They are sheer & total hell. But, since you want one, I'll go ahead & prep you for it. I'll let you know exactly what will happen to you. If this doesn't make you realize how completely stupid running out there & trying to develop anorexia is, then I wish you the best of luck in killing yourself. Because that's all you'll be doing.

    The completely ironic part about people trying to lose weight by starving is that half the time it does not work. I bet you think you'll wind up insanely thin & gorgeous, right? Wrong. You won't be gorgeous & you might actually GAIN weight. One thing's for certain though. Insane is a definite part of the package. Your mind won't be yours anymore. Kiss it goodbye, I hope you didn't enjoy it.

    The less you eat, the lower your metabolism goes. You might starve & starve & barely lose anything...or you might be extra lucky...you might starve & starve & gain weight. Your body might just shut itself down & the weight go nowhere. & even though you aren't losing, you'll still be hooked. You still won't be able to stop. By the time your body shuts off from malnutrition, you'll be too far in it to *snap* think "Oh...this isn't working...I think I'll eat again." No...you'll be desperate & eat less & less & work out more and more. Eventually, you won't be ABLE to work out. Your muscles will eventually stop cooperating. Then you'll panic & try & eat even less to compensate for not being able to work your ass off (simply a figure of speech, since you're not losing any weight, of course). By then you can't eat less though. You're barely eating enough to stay alive as it is. & you can't stop. It isn't working & you still can't stop. & whether its working or not, you won't see the truth. You'll never actually know what you look like. Nope...no matter what you'll think you must weigh at least four hundred pounds. This is true if you weigh 150 or if you weigh 70. You will be fat. Insane is the proper term for it, isn't it? Yes, you might just be one of the lucky ones, one of the ones that doesn't lose weight. But don't sit there & think that means you won't be sick. Not true...not true at all. Your skin & hair will be dry, your teeth sore, your period gone, your bones aching, your muscles cramping...well, no need to go on. You still want this, of course. After all, you won't be like that. You won't be one of the failures. You'll be successful; you'll be thin & perfect. Beautiful.

    Well, since you're going to win, why don't I tell you about your prize, hmm?? It’s quite nice. You will be skinny. You will be sickly thin. Your ribs will stand out & your hipbones will be sharp. You won't see it. You'll look in the mirror & see fat. You'll see rolls. You'll look at girls who weight fifty pounds more than you & wonder why you can't be as thin as they are. You'll look in the mirror everyday & swear that you've gained at least ten pounds. Other people will see you shrink but you won't get to watch. You'll never see the truth. Others will though. You'll be sickly skinny...but you won't be pretty. & they'll all see that. You won't though...you'll be too busy staring at your ass & wondering when you turned into your fat Aunt Bertha. You will not be attractive. You won't. You'll have huge dark circles. Your skin will be pasty pale & have a lovely gray tint to it. Makeup will NOT help this. It won't, so don't think it will. Don't even bother to attempt it. You'll be wasting your time; time that could be better spent doing your usual pastime, staring into the pantry to watch the food. Of course, people might not notice that you're gray. They could be too busy staring at the dark black, blue, & purple spots you're covered in. Everything you do will result in a bruise. Everything. Do you have pretty hair? You won't anymore. It will be straw dry & dull. It will not shine. Think conditioner will help? It won't. It won't & there's no sense in trying it. It might soften your hair for a while (after you use half the bottle, of course) but it won't make your hair look any better. Buy a ponytail holder. You'll need it. You'll probably be wearing it all the time. You'll also need some hair dye. I sincerely hope your hair isn't a nice color....because it won't be soon. Yes...the color of your hair will fade out. You might even get grays. But gray is a nice color, isn't it? I rather like it. I think the grayish brown color where my natural red and blonde highlights used to be adds a bit of...oh...dignity to my look. Speaking of hair, do you like facial hair? I hope so. You'll have it. I have some lovely sideburns. Quite gorgeous. Actually, I have sexy hair everywhere. Fuzz, fuzz, fuzz. It’s hot. All the guys love it and all the girls I know ask how to get some. They're jealous, you know. I tell them how I got it, starving. They never attempt it...I know why though. Its not because they're smart & healthy...no, no. Its because they're weak. Not strong like me. Of course, my muscles are deteriorating as we speak & I can no longer use even my five pound weights but I'm still strong, aren't I? Yes...because I don't eat. & that's true strength, isn't it? Denying yourself the basic fuel you need for life. Yup...strong & smart.

    I bet you're one of those girls will the enviable natural nails. Those shiny ones that are so long people sometimes think they're fake? Cut them. Go ahead & cut them off now. They'll only break soon anyway. Kiss your newly gray hair goodbye too. It'll be falling out about now. You get to clean the drain about 6 times during your shower, just so the water will go down. Also, you'll need to find a way to throw away your tampons to make it look as if you've been using them. Remember to tell your mom to buy you tampons once a month. Can't have her knowing you lost your period. & you will. I hope you're not having sex because you'll never know if you’re pregnant or not. I guess you can just take a test every few weeks. & yes...you can still get pregnant. I hope you don't love the baby though, because chances are you'll lose it. It would probably be for the best if you did though because of the nice birth defects caused by eating disorders. So, you might get to live with the knowledge that your child died or had to go through life with a terrible disability because of you...but it was worth it for thinness. A small price to pay for perfection, even though you're not the one paying it. Who needs their full mental capabilities anyway? I hope your kid doesn't. But that might not be a problem. You might never have children. You might become infertile. Oh well...pregnancy makes you fat anyway.

    I don't enjoy sports. I used to. Not anymore...you won't like them soon either. Baseball? Nope. You won't be able to hit or catch. Goodbye reflexes & goodbye hand eye coordination. You won't be able to run enough to play basketball & if you play football you'll break your hip. Never needed that hip anyway. Your new plastic one will get you through just fine. Its not like your hip was going to stay intact forever, not with your shrinking bone mass. But the stooped look is good. I hope you think so, since you'll probably be sporting it by thirty. Since you're one of the special ones, one of the anorexic ones, I'll bet you enjoy ice water. Pour it out. Drink plain water, warm diet coke. It hurts too badly to drink iced drinks. You're taking sensitive teeth to a new level. Forget those special toothpastes though. They don't work when your teeth are slowly dying from vitamin deficiencies. Never liked those teeth anyway. Dentures are nice. How do you like to sit? Oh...you like your legs crossed? Hmm...too bad. Can't do that anymore. Your legs will fall asleep all the way up to your hips. Painfully asleep. This isn't like what you're used to, that tingly feeling. This hurts. A word of advice. After uncrossing them, just sit there. Don't try moving them or hitting them to wake them up. Bad idea...very painful. Don't stand up either, unless you enjoy collapsing.

    Which would be a good thing, since you'll also be doing that. A new hobby, falling. Your legs won't like holding you up anymore. Falling out from under you will be their new favorite activity. They'll like collapsing. You'll be spending alot of time on the ground. Fainting is common too. & don't think this is something you can hide. Whenever you pass out dead in the living room in front of your mom or brother they'll wonder why...and unless they're complete idiots they'll probably know why...especially if you're 30 pounds underweight. Get ready for nagging. Eat this, eat that, why are you doing this to yourself?? You could always go to your room to escape though. Then you can lie in bed & bite your lip until it bleeds...why would you want to do that, do you ask? Because of the leg cramps, of course...oh! I must've forgotten to mention those! Oooh...the cramps are nice. Your muscles are balled into excruciating knots. You'll double over to massage the knots out and...what? There are no knots. There IS no rubbing the knots out because there are no knots. It just feels like it. There's nothing you can do. You just get to lie there & try not to scream. & trust me...you'll want to. Of course, you could always rub your legs anyway...it might make you feel better to pretend there's something you can do to help them. But you might not be thinking about your legs...you might be distracted by the headaches. Take some aspirin...oooh...or don't. Your tummy's too empty; it'll only make you throw up everywhere.

    (cont>)
     
  4. makeitlooksoprettyburning

    makeitlooksoprettyburning Well-Known Member

    You'll probably get chest pains. Maybe heart flutters. This is scary too, because you never wanted to die, you just wanted to be thin. But remember, you can't tell. Telling is forbidden & asking for help is weak.

    Do you have problems with depression? You do now. The less you eat the more depressed you become. Partially from vitamin deficiencies, partially from your lovely eating disorder. Do you have problems with insomnia? That's right, you've got that now too. You're exhausted beyond belief but you still can't fall asleep...& when you do you can't stay asleep. Who needs sleep though?? Not you. Staying awake burns more calories anyway. Do you do well in school? You don’t now. You can’t concentrate. Your mind won’t function, & the only thing you can actually think about is food anyway. You'll become more nervous too. Jittery. You'll also have difficulty talking. Oh...have you never had a stuttering problem? Well, you do now. You also forget what you wanted to say alot. Goodbye memory.

    Triggers are everywhere & you want to kill yourself more with each bite you swallow. Maybe you will kill yourself. Maybe you'll fight & fight & enter recovery only to die while in recovery or even afterwards from complications caused by your years of having an eating disorder. After fighting for the longest time, maybe you will get out. Maybe, after numerous slip ups & times that where so hard you thought you'd die, you recover. It takes a while. Even after you've eaten right for months & months your body still isn't the same. You start to wonder if it will ever be the same again. It might, but you won't. No. This will always be a part of you, it will never go away. Years later it will still be with you, you will still have those moments. Sometimes you'll pass a mirror & suddenly be 200 pounds larger. You'll panic & shake your head, trying to clear the image away. Something will happen in your life, maybe you'll lose your job. Something will happen to take away your control & you'll try to gain it back through starving. You will NEVER be the same. You'll see an article on a someone with an eating disorder & you'll start to cry, remembering that terrible pain. I'm not talking about the physical pain. That's the only pain I described, because it’s the only part that's describable. There are no words for the mental anguish. It can never be described. It’s unimaginable. You'll never feel another pain like that, another pain so filled with self loathing, vulnerability, terror, rage, desolation...

    WHY do you want this?? WHY?!? I know, even after reading this, that you're still sitting there, wanting this. Why? What is it you want?? Is it beauty? Do you honestly think you won't be like this?? Do you honestly think malnutrition won't steal your looks? Is it glamour? READ THIS. Show me the glamour. Is it control?? Let me tell you, you'll NEVER be more out of control than you are when you have an eating disorder. You don't control what you put in your mouth. Hell, you don't even control your thoughts. You have NO control. None. Do you honestly think that you'll be able to do this & not wind up this way? Do you think you are the one person on earth who can control this, who can just stop??? Do you think that maybe you can just do this, get thin, & stop?? WRONG! It doesn’t work that way. Do you WANT to die? Do you want to be a martyr or something? Do you think this is beautiful? I bet you think its some sort of tragic beauty. Its not. There's nothing beautiful about it. Do you want some attention? Buy a new eyeliner, dance naked in the streets. Needing attention is a natural thing but there are a hell of alot better ways to get it. Do you want to look at your family’s faces & know that you're killing them too? Imagine watching your child killing themselves, imagine your helplessness, imagine KNOWING that they're dying & KNOWING that there's NOTHING that you can do. Imagine fearing the day you'll come home to find them dead from this. Just sit there & try to think about it. Of course, while you're starving yourself you won't see that anguish. You won't be able to. You can't see anything, you're too self absorbed. You're too busy thinking about your weight, about food. You'll see it when you recover though & you'll hate yourself for doing that to the ones you love. You'll wish there was something you could do to erase it but there is nothing. You just have to live with it...& living with it is hard. Especially when you think of how many times your anger came out on them, how many times you got nasty when they were only trying to save your life.

    If you do this, one day you will wake up. One day you’ll wake up & realize how much you wasted. Maybe you’ll realize that you wasted your teenage years. That you threw away your chance at a normal education, possibly even college. You tossed prom, homecoming, parties, & friends out the window. Those times are gone & you can never get them back. Maybe you’re older, maybe you threw your career away. You’ve probably screwed your job record completely & there is no erasing this. You’ll regret this more than anything & there’s nothing you can do about it….& there’s nothing you can do to get back those wasted years. & do you know what? You probably won’t even remember most of what occurred during those years. I don’t.

    You probably want this for the beauty, for the thinness. You probably hate yourself & think this is a way to fix it. Its not. Do you want to know about self-hate? Do you??? Then go ahead & start starving, because I can guarantee you that however much you hate yourself now, it’s nothing, NOTHING, compared with how you'll feel about yourself once you get in this. You will despise yourself; you'll hate yourself more than anything. You'll hate yourself more every single day. You're the lowest scum on the earth. You deserve death but death is too good for you. You're lower than murderers & rapists. Child molesters are better than you & no matter what torture you think of, you know for a fact that you deserve something worse.

    But do you know what? Self-hatred is the least of your worries now. Because you've likely just signed your own death warrant...& you likely don't even care...yet. But you will. You will care. You will care & you will cry & rage & swear you'd give anything to take it all back. But it’s too late, because by the time you're in deep enough to care, you're already dying. Its too late to snap out of it now, no matter how much you want to.
     
  5. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    hey makeitlooksoprettyburning
    thank you for your support etc. i have seen the devestation an eating disorder can cause but i am not going to go that far. i just need to lose about 2 stone to be happy again. just to let you know i am a girl :tongue: and the men i like (or should i say man) doesn't like curvy women trust me!
    i needto do this to lose weight obviuosly but more than that i need to do it becausei have lost control over everything in my life and i know that this is the one thingi can have a say in. i NEED to do it. i hate myself for being me, so maybe once i have changed i can grow to like myself and even be happy
    samantha x x
     
  6. crazy

    crazy Well-Known Member

    samantha

    can you gruarentee that you will be happy if you losse your desired amount of weight? can you guarentee that you will not want to loose more? can you gurantee the guy will find you more attractive if you losse weight?

    the article posted by makeitlooksoprettyburning i really have to agree with. i myself have an eating disorder. i thought at first if i lost some weight i would be happy, that other people would like me better, and that things in general would get better. i was so wrong. things just got worse and worse.

    at one point i ended up in a hospital for around a month because of an eating disorder. i wasnt alowed to even walk. i wasnt allowed to go to the bathroom by myself. i wasnt allowed to do anything by myself. if i actually wanted to eat (which was rarely) i couldnt even do that alone. i was getting my blood tested one to three times a DAY. i was being threatened to be tube fed. i had to meet with a nutritionist every single day.

    i wasnt allowed to walk, was in a wheel chair, becuase my vital signs were so horrible (blood preasure, pulse, temperature). my blood preasure was dangerously low, so was my pulse, and my body tempereature was just above what is considered hypothermia. i couldnt get warm no matter what.

    when i got out of the hospital i had to see a counselor twice a week, a nutrionitst one to two times a week. and a psychiatrist once a week along with a medical doctor every other week. i had weekly weight checks. i had to sign a contract agreeing to maintain a certain weight. things did get better for awhile but then they got even worse.

    i still wanted to loose weight . i kept telling myself if i loose just 5 more pounds things will be ok. was i ever wrong. the passing out became almost a daily occurance. my hair would (and still does fall out even when i dont touch it), i would end up in the er on almost a weekly occurance because of dehydration and electrolyte imbalances always to get lectured by nurses, doctors, and later my dad. my nails would brake (and still do, just not as often) no matter what i was doing, even something as easy as picking up a piece of paper on a stack of papers.

    my weight got extremely dangorusly low. everyone around me was and still is worried. i have been gaining weight, going from severly underweight to a bit underwieght. my health and body are still a mess. i dont pass out as often, though my hair still falls out a lot. i can put on make up and still look extremely pale. my legs stil fall asleep so badly its extremely painful to even move my toes a tiny bit. i cant grow my nails out even.

    thats just the physical stuff. every time i drive by any type of resturatant there is this thing going on inside my head that is like ww3. there are two sides battling each other, screaming at eachother. one side telling me i want to eat that the other side telling me that i dont even deserve to have a sip of water. then i see thes super models on tv, in magaizines, everywhere. i instantly feel like a giagantic hippo.

    i got all this because i was trying to be happy. do you want all that "happiness" too?
     
  7. letdown

    letdown Guest

    I don't know you but you sound like you are in a lot of pain. Perhaps you already have an eating disorder. Being, in your words, 'curvy' doesn't make you less sick. You asked about how to prevent yourself from eating and how to throw up better. Personally, I wouldn't want to tell you how to do that as I see this behaviour as unhealthy. But I do hear your desperation of having control of something when you've lost control of everything. What have you lost control of?

    I hate being me too. Why don't you like being yourself? When you don't eat what is it about yourself that you are rejecting? I was thinking about this today, for myself when I was vomiting and I was trying to get rid of my family through the vomit- there's lots of little rituals I go into it's quite amusing in my getting rid of vomit... :blink: but it's interesting to ask myself "what is it that I hate about me?" For me it's not being good enough for other people.

    What is it that you hate about you? I am not sure anything said here is going to make you love yourself and see yourself worthy as who you are and in the body you're in but you can try sharing how you feel about yourself with us.

    I can safely say that losing weight hasn't made me feel better about myself one bit- not that I speak for all eating disordered people. Nor does putting on weight because you'll inevitably put on weight and hate yourself for it. Then you'll long for a time when you wish you could just accept your body and yourself for who you are. Is there a little bit of you that wants to accept yourself? I hope you continue sharing with us what is causing you to feel this way. Take care.
     
  8. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    hey letdown,
    i feel that i have lost control of everything. i live alone with my nan and she is dying of ling cancer. im kinda helping to look after her.i have no controlover anything anymore. i just do what others want or tell me to do.
    i agree with you-i feel that im not good enough for other people. but im not good wnough for myself either. i feel that everything is my fault. and that people dont like me enough.
    yes i do want to acceptmyself for who i am but others dont so how can i..this has been going on for a long time.
    samantha x
     
  9. If you're clever you can trick your metabolism and beat it at its own game. It tries to mess you up because it's an evil thing but you can make it do what you want if you know how.
     
  10. letdown

    letdown Guest

    Hello Samantha,
    You are in a very stressful position and I'm sorry to hear that your nan is dying. Are you close to her? How old are you? Is there anyone helping you care for her?

    That's a lot of questions, sorry. When you say you don't have control over anything anymore do you mean her care or her illness? I hope you don't feel too responsible as her illness hasn't anything to do with you. I am sure you're doing as much as you can to support her and that is admirable. It must be an unimaginably pressured situation to be in.

    It's sad to hear you haven't been able to accept yourself because others don't accept you. You and others are completely separate. I feel similar to you, and have felt that I've been treating my body as something belonging to society rather than myself. Does this make sense? I have yet to reclaim my body. I still see it as how others may see it or have seen it in the past- as horrible and awkward and I've always been thin. I haven't had any self confidence in how I look. In trying to control what you eat you won't be able to stop your nan from passing away or get rid of your insecurities. Maybe you know this and I'm just being patronising... but I mean it. Eating disorders are painful and I feel for you. In chaos the only thing I focus on is my body. How is that going to change what has been happening recently?

    You are accepted here and you're accepted by me. I don't see you as anything but worthy of acceptance just like anybody else. If others haven't accepted you then perhaps they aren't the people you need to know. There are people, men for example who don't fit a stereotype of disliking 'curvier' women. People are people and have different tastes. If people aren't attracted to you now, then why do you need to change yourself to get acceptance? And if you did get mens' attention if you were thinner, wouldn't that just be false acceptance if one recognised the pain that you had to go through to get thinner? There are people out there who will accept you for who you are. Maybe working on accepting yourself for who you are, as a person with limitations who can't cure your nan or solve everything, maybe if you liked yourself a little bit more, that confidence would help you socially. If you ever want to talk I am here. Take care. x
     
    Last edited: Aug 10, 2006
  11. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    hey letdown
    i am so very close to mynan. she has always been more of a mum to me. im 19. my mum and auntie help out looking after her sometimes. when they can be bothered!
    i feel that i have no control over either, the illness is not my fault i know but i always think that there was something i could have done to get her help before it got so bad.
    thank you for all of that. it made a lot of sense
    samantha x x
     
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