*HELP URGENT* Rolling the dice on life. How can I leave everything I've ever known?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Gray, Jan 16, 2008.

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  1. Gray

    Gray Member

    My names Matt, I've wondered around the empty space of my life for 18 years. How can I start over?

    I'm faced with a imposable decision that I must make in three days. All My life I've been stuck with a horrible life and the lie of who I am. I've posted my life story on here once before and only had one reply but now I have no more time to wait for an answer to come to me, I MUST make one and I have no idea how. For the love of your god, help me. Since I was young I've tasted the pain of a half life.

    I don't even know how to ask this. I'm hoping for a messiah to come on here and tell me how to save my soul but I just need advice and a perspective to think about so here it go's.

    All my life my family has brought me down. The following I speak without bias opinion. My father is a dated alcoholic and relic who doesn't understand the changes of life or society in the last 40 years. My mom is an unreliable fool who cant help me, and has doesn't care enough about me to put me as a priority in all of her problems. We are in debt for over two hundred and fifty thousand dollars and it's been growing everyday for the last twelve years and soon we will be evicted and homeless. My parents are separated and hate each other but are again forced to live together because they cant afford a place to live alone and cant afford a devoice.

    Solitude is and has overwhelmed me. All my senses and thoughts have decayed. I haven't a single friend in the world. Acquaintances in the dozens and people to laugh with on one hand. My mother promises that this time, this semester I can go to the local collage but i don't even know if I can try.
    It's so hard and after all this time her words seem hollow. I've failed and dropped out of every school I've gone to. I can Live in this illusion or chose to believe. I'm sick of trying. And don't think that this is a nevus breakdown. I've been trying for years to just survive and trying for longer to live but for the last 4 years I'd chosen that if I hadn't resolved any of my problems and It didn't look like I would one day get out that I would leave when I turned 18but through everything I've done It's only gotten worse and now, I have never known what it is to be scared but now I find myself petrified to continue and riddled senseless to leave. My birthday is in three days and through all the terror and pain I can sense and see in the world i think i can make a deference if I leave.

    I want to leave on foot, take my few favorite belongings and run away. I feel like this fight that I've been wading through is not a fight but a wall that I must realize I just cant get through no matter what. That I have to make a turn and go my own way, I've done all I can here but for something this huge, I cant stop myself from feeling "what if I'm wrong". That thought terrifies me. If I leave and tell my family everything I've been holding back I... I really don't know how they'll react. I could always know that I could predict my family but would-could they forgive me for telling the truth? That I hate them? Hate HATE them for what they've done to me? And all there stupid follies? The way I've been used and abused and tossed aside? All the shit I put up with as I grew has made me not a man. It has ruined me and made me insane. It has destroyed and broken parts of me that were innocent and forgiving. I wanted to have a life and I was a good boy... when I look back at my stolen childhood I see myself as a shining gem of Justus, I stood up for the beaten and the down and I "saved lives" and wanted to become a hero when I grew up. A model of society, But they took that away from me. My dad got in a car accident that gave him major brain damage. My parents married to soon after they met each other, they thought they loved each other and in a way they did.. but were not right for themselves. They were going to get a divorce but then I happened.

    My own father called me a mistake. He cursed me for it.

    He hates me.

    They all hate me.

    Why shouldn't they? I push them all away.

    They act like they love me, and they try to. Thats the hard part. That they actually try to love me, but at the same time they try not to hate me...
    The sad part is that this is all real, I'm forced to live through it everyday and after so long of being tossed back and forth. I tried.. to. kill myself...
    I wondered how. but after so long of the pain rotting me away, and that feeling it gave me.. No one can ever understand that. ever will. but I'll let you know how serous it was. For 3 4 months I had giving up. completely. I stayed in 1 room watching what real pain was like. trying to understand myself, I watched people on this site pour there souls. And I slept in another
    room, staying awake all night every night for a week at a time. eating nothing at all for days at a time, trying to starve myself to death until I would collapse from fatigue and my will would give in, then I would eat and sleep and try to cut myself deep enough to bleed away, but stop as soon as blood drew and cry for hours until I fell asleep because I was to much of a coward to do it and maybe it was just cause I wanted to cry, I broke so bad that I couldn't even make myself cry until i was writhing in pain. I was living alone with my dad then, he was in the next room and he never even noticed, and never even cared

    I'm so sorry I confessed that. I didn't mean to, I guess I have alot of things boiling in me

    Would you believe I consider that the highlight of my life?
    I've been through much, much worse. I feel ashamed to confess such a thing when I have seen other people in so much pain. But I have been through much worse and countless other problems and I wish you wouldn't judge me on what I have said so far.

    My dad is going to die within a short time. He is vary old and has many diseases and massive brain damage even though he acts like a normal person. Hepatitis C, liver failure, he's fighting off a miner lung cancer and the only reason he has for living is me. I grew up with my dad and everyone hates him because he's foolish, stupid, has no social skills, and our family has twisted that to make him seem like an evil man when he's just a man thats been made horrible. I've stuck by him after all he's done and through all his problems since i was 6. 3 heart attacks, a dozen seizers, 4 car accidents, rehabilitation, poverty. And while I can see in his eyes he wishes I was never born he thanks me enough to spend his last days trying to help me out. But a blind man with no arms cannot push you out of a pit. My mother cannot help me even though she says she would. She loves my spiteful sister, and only me as a person loves a dog, not as a mother loves a son and she shows it.

    I'm ranting... I apologize. My point is that it hurts so much to be here and I don't wont to be driven back to suicide. I don't want to feel that way again and I'm starting to with this decision and I know I will again if I stay but I need to know if it's worth it to stay with my family and try to get out "with them" but I know thats imposable. But If I leave and wonder the world to find out who I am. I'll be homeless and I wont be able to turn back... for years. Because I simply would rather die then give up on my dream of being a hero unless I can come back knowing who I am and mature enough to fight my way out of this once and for all. Or maybe then I'll start over, get an apartment, live a life. I'd start with absolutely nothing and no one, But I might die out there. I might never come home. I'm scared. I don't know what to do.

    If I don't leave the day after January 19th then I'll never be able to bring myself to go.

    I don't care if what you have to say is stupid. Even if all it's good for is holding my attention. I want to know what people would think.

    My question is-
    Should I leave my life behind?
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Re: *HELP URGENT* Rolling the dice on life. How can I leave everything I've ever know

    You need a place to be going to, at least a semi plan of what you want for the next year or so.
    Have you considered joining one of the volutary overseas projects?
    Here's just one of many

    Just google voluntary work overseas and you'll get a list of them.
    I think some time away from it all with a set plan will give you the peace and direction you are so desperate for at the moment.
  3. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    Re: *HELP URGENT* Rolling the dice on life. How can I leave everything I've ever know

    Wow Gray - i'm sorry i'm only just replying...i'm not giving you much of a chance to read this, but i hope you do.
    Just so you know i'm not going to say 'yes go' or 'no stay' because that would be wrong after only reading one little post when the implications for you could be vast.
    But i will say - why do you have to leave the day after you birthday? I know at 14yrs you said this date to yourself but things change over the years, you've changed...whatever you decide, you do not have to do anything within such a short time frame. Terry is completely right, if you do decide to go please try and sort out at least a short term plan to keep you safe! I know there are many homeless people and it breaks my heart but it is also very dangerous for a young man. There maybe half way houses or other services that you should look into before you make any choices.
    Being a hero, determining your future is an amazing ambition but i would suggest do not do anything as a whim, research things whilst you have the resources, maybe spend some time looking around for additional help such as carers for your dad or someone that you can talk to about what has happened.
    I am so sorry that you have had such a hard upbringing. You sound split when it comes to your family and despite all the hurt you seem to still have a great degree of concern for them. Prehaps this is the main reason for your uncertainty?
    You have decided that the only way out is running away and making no contact with your family until you are a success....but i think there are other avenues to explore too. Which prehaps you have....I don't know because I' as i have said before i don't know your whole circumstances but from my point of view - freedom comes from knowledge. If you can, go back to high school, study and study more, learn about the world and through it you will learn about yourself and what you can achieve.
    I hope this is of some help. Don't deny yourself an education.
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