HELP!!! What is wrong with me?

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by raiinbowjunkiie, May 2, 2012.

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  1. raiinbowjunkiie

    raiinbowjunkiie Well-Known Member

    Before you suggest therapy or medication, keep in mind that I simply CANNOT afford it. Mental health services are so expensive, even with a sliding scale. I'm struggling to move out as soon as possible because my mom is abusive. That cost is my first priority. I simply came here for some input from people who might have experienced the same thing.

    To give some background information, I am 19 and in college. I have a history of being abused emotionally and physically my whole life, mostly by my mom, but occasionally by my dad. I am also a female to male transgender, and am currently dealing with the stresses of starting hormonal therapy soon. I have a history of major depression, and I've been chronically (at times painstakingly) suicidal for over five years, but I've also felt strongly that something other than depression is the culprit here. I know with certainty that I've had PTSD from the abuse (my uncle who is a therapist confirmed this).

    But I've also highly suspected that something else is wrong. But I can't figure out what! At times, I have thought bipolar disorder, as I have definitely experienced those rushes of mania, especially when my sleeping schedule is disturbed. During these rushes, I speak quickly, sometimes not all that coherently, and I do stupid, reckless, self destructive things like skateboard down nearly vertical roads when I've never skateboarded before.

    Then, when I came out as transgender in my first year of college and absorbed all of the stress from that, I started becoming delusional and extremely paranoid. I thought that people were out to get me, that they wanted to hurt me somehow. At times, I detached from reality, so much so that I became placid and malleable, and people could easily have moved me if they wanted to. I thought that when people laughed, even strangers, that they were laughing at me. Whispered conversations from nearby tables in the library materialized into hateful things about me. I couldn't even walk down the hallway in my dorm because I felt so besieged by the evil, albeit perceived (and I full well was aware that these things weren't actually true) intentions of others. Keep in mind that the stress of being out as a transgender person in a society that isn't accepting is what triggered this.

    After several months, the initial severity of what I just described subsided, for the most part. Although I still struggled with flashbacks, I was still firmly entrenched in reality. But now, as I embark upon starting hormonal therapy, a prospect that is terrifying just to think about, my body has been taking its stress out on me in so many different ways. In the past two weeks, I feel as if I'm going crazy. I feel so strongly that my friends hate me, even though I know this isn't true. I feel like there is a part of me, that isn't me at all, that is telling me I am evil, that I deserve to die, that my friends hate me, that everyone is going to abandon me, and that I'm an awful person. It's different than your typical depression and self-defeating thoughts. These thoughts are so intense, it's like they are coming from a different person. I definitely know that it isn't me. At times, I feel like I am on the verge of psychosis, but not the degree of severity that would constitute as schizophrenia. I know there is something wrong with me. It makes me feel less than human. It is so severe that at times, I am incapacitated.

    I don't know how I can live with these persistent and chronic feelings that are so irrational, I swear that it feels like something else, someone else, an evil force, an outside force, has taken over my mind and I'm not hearing voices, but it's like I am sharing a space inside my head with something so intense, relentless, and vicious, that it is an entity with a claim on my sanity that is equal to my own. It's literally incapacitating. I had to leave work on Friday because I felt like my mind was deteriorating and a black hole was consuming me. I felt like I was in hell. I experienced hell and isolation to the same degree that I have while on drugs. The world seemed as dark as it did when I once overdosed. I felt the same helplessness and isolation that in the past, has been induced by a bad trip. Except that these past two weeks, when these disturbing thoughts appeared, I have not been been using drugs at all! THAT SHOULDN'T BE HAPPENING. (To make it clear, the only drugs I have ever used are alcohol, weed, and once synthetic weed, never anything else.) I have never heard voices, at all, which is encouraging, bur I still feel so strongly that this venemous force I cannot name is instructing me to hurt myself. My friend thinks I have severe OCD because what I described to her is similar to what she experiences. This would make sense, since at times, I have become so preoccupied with germophobia that I will burst into tears if someone touches (contaminates) the plate that I am eating from, and when I am stressed, I can't stop washing my hands, and I have become obsessed with and consumed by these disturbing thoughts before. But I feel so trapped because I could never afford to see a psychologist or a psychiatrist. omg I can't live like this. I'm in crisis. I'm trapped and my head has been taken over. I am a prisoner in my own mind.

    I know that only a mental health professional can officially diagnose me, but as an aspiring psychology major with a concentration in neuroscience, I also know that there is a lot of overlap between the disorders, and that at the extreme end of the spectrum, any one of them can induce psychosis, if only temporarily. Which is why I'm not so concerned with labels as I am with the underlying condition and how it is affecting me. Please, if any of you can identify with what I am saying, let me know. I'm so distressed.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 2, 2012
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Although not derived from the same issues, I have had similar symptoms...for me, it was my body signalling what i was have so much going on right now that it is no wonder that the steam is coming out of the proverbial kettle...I see that you are in NJ...there are great training PhD Clin Psych programs that offer treatment at a very sliding scale ($10 per) and hospital based clinics that you would qualify for...if you live near a major medical center, it is worth investigating is so brave of you to try to be who you are and that might also be the cost of what is going you are in transition, I am sure that many issues are thing I have found, that no matter what is going on, if I can retain my self-worth, the issues become are worthy of being who you want to be and deserve to feel of luck and PM me if I can help you find appropriate care
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