help

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by broke, Jul 17, 2013.

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  1. broke

    broke Well-Known Member

    I feel really dumb for posting what seemed like progress. She said she wants a divorce a few hours ago and it wasn't anger or venting she is totally serious. I posted about this in that dumb thread I made in another section of the forum. I think I was thinking an alternate plan to her but that things with us would work out in the end. It won't. We have five young kinds together. We live together. I really feel floaty and weird and am starting to think maybe this is all the dream of some child in centuries past who has the plague and is dying in his mothers arms and she is whispering gently to him that it is ok to go to sleep now, he did his best to fight it, rest now son, rest, your fight is over....no really whatever this is or i am i cant do it anymore. im done. The universe is fucked up and cruel and the only mercy is what you show yourself. This is mine.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    show yourself kindness hun and go in to hospital or call your doctor and get some supports in place to help you. You children hun will ALWAYS ALWAYS NEED YOU who is to know what will come in future hun maybe things will work out hugs
     
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Broke: I have truly felt this way..."take me, I am yours" but that is usually in the throws of a trauma...please wait to see what is going to happen...you are not just needed by your children, but also, you deserve to make a life for yourself...maybe speaking to a professional will give you a chance to create that life now
     
  4. broke

    broke Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the help and support. I am just not sure I got a decent shot at anything like a decent life. I really gave this everything I had all along and I don't have it to give again, even if my odds were better. I can just "exist" and rot away with regret and guilt and pain for the rest of my natural years but what good would that be? Now she is talking about the whole family moving to another state to get away from the problems of our parents and stuff here, but still being divorced..???? wtf is she thinking? I need for us to either commit to working things out or just getting away from each other with as little contact as possible. This is the shit that kills me.

    It just gets worse and worse and worse.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 17, 2013
  5. broke

    broke Well-Known Member

    Just got word that I am getting a promotion at work, and three women I have been talking to (just friends with potential so far) have been giving me a ton of unsolicited (and therefore entirely sincere) positive attention tonight. One of them...things look good and I really like her but my hopes are not up. This all since I made that last post above here. So maybe I can see myself happy at some future point dammit. I just really need emotional stability and a partner who is extra emotionally stable to balance me out. Right now I think I need therapy and maybe some meds. My head is spinning. I don't like going from "I'm ready to fing die now" to "...hey things could be alright maybe" in the space of a few hours. I am afraid that it is this kind of rollercoaster that pushes people over the edge, especially when you are coming down hard from a peak.
     
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YEs you need help maybe some meds you need therapy to keep your mind from being overwhelmed hun. Do not jump into another kettle of hot water ok you get yourself stable first You ask you wife if she will commit to marriage counseling if not you go by yourself you go and get some help ok for you and for your children sake hun hugs
     
  7. broke

    broke Well-Known Member

    Thanks and yes. She will not commit to counseling, she wants nothing to do with trying to fix things. To me you at least give it a chance, like some space, living in different houses, combined with marriage counseling and see if it works, you don't just give up. People are telling me she is sick (mentally) so I need to do this and that and cope and take this like she is on a downswing, and not like she really means it. I'm like wtf about me lolz. No I can't go on the rebound, it would be an epic rebound of mythic proportions sure to rip any soul apart not as already fragmented as my own. But to be honest and not trying to give too much info, god I need some physical warmth and laid. Her pheromones are CRACK to my nervous system and they are at high tide about now. I am easy to look at and in great physical shape, it is tough to not just find another husk of a human somewhere and lose each other in our mutual emptiness, fill it with rainbows and sparks and fireworks and shit for a good long minute. But then maybe that is how I got here in the first place and I just been playing like it was something else all along. Ya I need to channel this. Sorry I'll put the filter back on.
     
  8. broke

    broke Well-Known Member

    ^^^she was up on me until yesterday..I could have done it and cobbled some kind of thing together to make like we have something together but I think I knew it would be just bad...gotta base this one on more than the physical or it just won't work ever.
     
  9. broke

    broke Well-Known Member

    A bad day followed by a bad night. The day was actually unusually materially productive, was in heavy contact with multiple new people that I like. Then back to Her and the endless Hell that is Her. I really need to work on my need for physical contact. It is like food or water. I need to work on not being decimated nearly every time she opens her mouth. It is like (almost literally) trying to be and feel normal around someone who is like "YOU ARE A HORRIBLE PERSON EVERY SINGLE THING THAT HAPPENS THAT IS BAD IS YOUR FAULT YOU SUCK I HATE YOU ARE A HORRIBLE PERSON EVERY SINGLE THING THAT HAPPENS THAT IS BAD IS YOUR FAULT YOU SUCK I HATE YOU" ya and every little or big thing that happens even if it wasn't remotely associated with me is my fault because I am so horrible. No wonder I am suicidal, really. That is my wife,the mother of my five young kids. The adult that I am around 90% of the time I am around any adult. Funny but I know she wants me to kill myself. I feel the same way about her, though I am not mean to her every second of our lives. Its evil. When you think abut someone "just fucking die already"...no plans on killing them, just wan them to stop existing. That would be some closure, some definite direction. It would be easier. This now is just a very slow death full of suffering. I really just want a clear direction to move in and someone not smashing me in the face and holding me back the whole time I am moving.
     
  10. mbczion

    mbczion Well-Known Member

    broke, I am sorry to hear about what you are going through. I am going through a horrible divorce myself (involving two kids - ages ten and six).

    My soon to be ex and I are still living together because we can't afford to get divorced until we sell our apartment. To make matters worse, we are broke and the bank just called me yesterday to say we are over our maximum overdraft.

    The worst is that if we don't sell the apartment soon, we will lose it to foreclosure and then might not be able to afford to get divorced.

    If I had the choice of staying with my wife or marrying the wicked witch of the west I would choose the latter. My marriage is hell and I might be stuck in it for financial reasons.

    Hang in there mate. Enjoy your children and make your own life as much as you can. You are successful at work and you must have other interests as well. Concentrate on those. Think of work, your hobbies, and time with your kids as your refuge. That is what I am doing.
     
  11. broke

    broke Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the support. 12 years. 5 kids. Even when I am not sad or depressed, I really think about things and have a hard time imagining anything that is survivable but to fix things with her and make it work. I worked my ass off and have given up A LOT over the years to see this through and it really feels like something I deserve is just being ripped away from me. I am afraid that even if we do work things out, I will be in the same basic place forever. The whole thing always being on the edge and me trying to play atlas to keep it from going over. It has been just about that way for 4 years now. I'm getting older and I am tired. I don't want to have to constantly do this and I don't want to build a new relationship or home life with someone else. I want to be able to know that if I am doing my best I have her support and the family I have now. She won't give that to me. I have worked my ass off most of my adult life and have given my entire self to this and she won't give me even the knowledge that if I do my best she will try to. Being single isn't an option for me. In fact, this not working isn't an option for me. When it is over, whether it is in 50 years or next week, no one will be able to say I didn't try my ass off. I'm going down fighting yes, but when I see it is over, when the papers come in, when she moves or tells me to move...I'll be done.

    Now I am making my own life and seeing if she likes it enough to want to be a part of it. If we didn't have kids and I was younger and less entrenched in this it would be a totally different story. She would have been old news a year ago. But the fact is, this is the life I have built and if it is done, it is done. We all die and that really sucks. I don't know of anyone dying and it being ok. It fucks everyone up when someone dies, regardless of age and whatever. To save another 40 years of abject suffering from happening, just dying now rather than later doesn't seem like a bad deal. Ya it sucks, but its gonna happen anyways. The game ends when its over, and that can be when someone wins or loses or just when they decide to quit playing because it is a shitty game.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 20, 2013
  12. broke

    broke Well-Known Member

    day by day...wondering if suicide isn't just a thought to keep me going. Like thinking of finally getting home and going to sleep during a really hard work day. The group nature of sf is helping me a lot, I am going to look for some local support groups for rl in person support. Sounds really bad but more than dying I just want to hold someone and cry my fucking eyes out, and have that person never leave.
     
  13. mbczion

    mbczion Well-Known Member

    Broke, I know what you mean. I need the same thing. After many years of working two jobs just to make ends meet and still having the bank call me to tell me we exceeded our overdraft, being the best father I can be to our kids (on my days off from work I would be with our kids so my wife could run off to be with her friends), trying to keep our home livable because my wife wouldn't lift a finger to do her part in keeping house (it's not like she was working outside the home). And what did I get?!?! One of the most ungrateful beeyotches in the world, blaming me for our financial situation (hello, maybe if she had worked even part time) and bitching that I am not doing enough at home (if it weren't for me our floor would never get done, our bathrooms would never get cleaned, the garbage would never get taken out, etc.). On top of that, she couldn't even bring herself to center her day around me two days a year (on my birthday and our anniversary). They were just like any other days to her. No gifts, no nothing!!!! She would run off with a friend (woman friend) on my birthday and our anniversary was business as usual.

    I gave my wife my heart and she just stuck it with a dagger. Now she is poisoning all her friends (who were my friends too, but not anymore) against me by making me out to be the biggest monster and her to be the biggest Saint. I keep telling myself what goes around comes around and the truth will come out one day.

    I do have a few loyal friends, but they have lives of their own, families of their own. I am not one of the highest priorities on their list (understandably).

    So, I also just need someone I can hold and cry my eyes out. Anybody!!!!!!!!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 21, 2013
  14. broke

    broke Well-Known Member

    Our stories sound so much alike. For me, now, I think I have just given up on her. Have to let go at some point.
     
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