I never, ever, ever thought that I'd be contemplating suicide, but things change quickly and I don't know how else to end the suffering. It started about a month ago when I went to visit my best friend. We have a slightly unusual relationship in the fact that we only see each other on average about twice a year due to living on different continents, although we speak everyday. She went through a really rough patch last year where she actually thought about suicide herself, but with the help of friends and family she got through. We were more than just friends for a while, but the distance took its toll. The thing is, I have never stopped loving her. Anyway, I went to visit her and she told me that she's currently seeing another guy. She was moving on with her life where I was unable to, partly because I always held onto the belief that things might work out between us. This was pretty devastating, but things got worse. We had an argument and she told me that she never wanted to see me again. I've always been a very shy person, and she knew that, but she told me that she thought I was putting it on to get attention from her. I tried to tell her that it's just who I am, but she wouldn't believe me. Part of me thinks that she was looking for an excuse to end things between us, but I don't think she was because she was sending me messages up until then saying how I was her angel and her best friend. We've spoken once since then, but that was just me telling her that I was home safely. I think it hurts because it's almost like she's completely forgotten about me already and I don't exist to her anymore. I was there for her when she was in trouble and had no one else, but now she's moved back home and she's surrounded by her old friends, I'm useless to her. Since I've been home I haven't been able to stop thinking about her. I've cried more in the last couple of weeks than in the rest of my adult life, I lie in bed for 18 hours a day but I can't sleep, I have no appetite, I get massive headaches which paracetamol doesn't cure and I have no desire to do anything. I replay everything that's happened over and over and over again, wishing I'd said or done things differently. This isn't the kind of thing I can talk to my family about and I have no other close friends. Ironically, she is the one person I could talk to about this, but she's the one person that probably doesn't want to talk to me. Even if I told her, she'd just think that I was doing it for attention. I know the best way would just be to completely forget about her and to completely erase any part of her from my life, but I can't do that. She's the only person I've ever truly loved. I know that I'll never meet anyone like her again. She made me happy, and if there's no happiness in your life, then what is there to live for? I can't live like this much longer. I dread each day, knowing that it's only going to get worse. It's not like I can even go out and meet new people. As I said, I'm very shy, but not just that. I live in a small village with no public transport and I don't drive, so I'm stuck here. And I've got no money to move. It's at the stage where I'm wondering what he best way to do it is. I want to make it look like an accident because I think it'll be easier on my family that way, but I also want it to be pretty painless. It's not the dying that I'm scared of, it's the pain just beforehand.