Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by conmonster, Apr 3, 2015.

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  1. conmonster

    conmonster New Member

    I am 26 years old female and a mother.
    Started thinking of suicides in teens.
    have been in and out of mental health since 18 but have never been diagnosed with anything.
    i cut sporadically and take large amounts of pills occasionally when really down, have been hospitalized 3 times for overdose on painkillers these times i told my sister what i had done.

    In a week i would spend maybe around 2 days of preoccupation with suicide. (i think of nothing else, in this time.)
    I write letters but i never like them or they are not good enough.
    On the days when i am the most suicidal i cannot move, literally, i am paralyzed, i will only move to harm myself or write letters etc.
    The Thoughts are what paralyze me, i know they are harmful but they do not go away until ive written letters or <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods> (wont go to hospital) , given myself a date or made a list of things that have to be sorted out before i can commence my suicide.
    I feel some detachment in regards to killing myself for myself. As in i feel i am a waste of energy and am okay with giving up my life as i feel there is already so much negative energy in the world and that my energy could be put to better use. But i frequently do not suicide as my son (hes in his father care) may have that forever on his shoulders and i cannot reason my way out of that.. Hes already suffered due to me. (hes only 4)
    Am somewhat worried about just killing myself with no plan due to out of control emotions at times.

    Since my teens, i have only ever gotten worse.
    My latest episode had me using methamphetamine (never used previously) , being a working girl (never been previously), and having a relationship with a guy which resulted in reasons why my son is not in my care anymore.
    My family has basically abandoned me as the above episode was the last straw. (Which im glad of because im tired of hurting my loved ones)
    Ive been living in a caravan park for the past 6 months. I quite often never leave my caravan.. even for my sons Court Dates. I dont know why i just feel paralyzed and its happened a few times throughout my adult life for months at a time. This has been the worst time.

    I am worried about myself because of this. If your son getting hurt and taken away from you, does not just make you sort yourself out. What will?

    -I do not want to be suicidal-, I just am.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I know nobody want to be depressed or suicidal it is an illness so don't be too hard on yourself ok. You hun need to reach out to someone you trust your doctor a therapist someone a church person to help you not stay immobilized in sadness ok. You son will need you he is four and he will always need his mother to love him. I hope you can pick up phone and call someone a crisis line even to get some supports you need hun YOU deserve that support you deserve understanding ok hugs
  3. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Which country are you from? Getting help is a good step towards recovery as you're aware you're on the bad path already. There are programs out there to get assistance
  4. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    You obviously love your son very much - it shines through in every word you write. Unfortunately you are ill with depression - total eclipse is right when (s)he tells you this is an illness no one chooses and that you need to stop being so hard on yourself and reach out for help. And that your son is only four and that he needs his mother. Sounds like you need him too. Getting treatment will go a far way towards you developing a healthy loving relationship with him.

    We all make stupid decisions at some point or another, and sometimes the payment for those decisions is terribly harsh. I think it is kind of interesting though that in your case it seems you are punishing yourself - saying you're glad your family as cut you off because it means you'll stop hurting them are not the words of an uncaring individual. Your post is actually the post of someone who loves her son and her family and you should be able to have those things. It might take some work, but that's where therapy kicks in.

    Do you have access to low cost therapy? At least call hot-lines and find out what your options are. And please keep posting here. You will never be judged and everyone will be hoping for you to fight this nasty disease.
  5. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. You are among kind people who help you through this tough time. I know how feel very day but isolating yourself will not help you. The trauma of your son and court dates is not helping and that's totally understandable. You need to keep focused everyday and try to keep a normal routine going. I know it's hard to do but let us help you with the healing process.
  6. conmonster

    conmonster New Member

    Thank you all for taking the time to read and reply,

    I live in New Zealand, and i do have access to low cost therapy for only? 10 sessions. (I've also used it before @ 18, hopefully i can get it again) I feel that the mental health system in N.Z has let me down somewhat. It has been 8 years now and I've not even been formally diagnosed with depression??... I am not incapable of looking after myself (at low points though, this is questionable to me if i'm being honest and My family usually steps in to support me because my behavior is erratic and alarming), but my quality of life and others around me too at times i feel is severely affected by these episodes. .
    N.Z's mental health funding goes toward the people who cannot look after themselves, and after that, there's not much left over. I'm not sure how it is in other countries, please let me know if it is similar?

    In reply to above comments yes i love my son and family very much, I do not wish to be a burden, i wish to provide strength, support, goodness and a healthy me for my loved ones, but i think depression i guess, has taken my power to do that away from me. I would rather die if i could find someway that my son and family knows its not their fault, they should carry no blame, i know they love me and i only wish them to take all the good with my death and leave the bad. I do not want bad feelings to linger after me. I feel diseased you know.. Kinda like chucking myself in a leper pit, Save the others!! It ruins my suicide plans because i cant control how people feel obviously.

    Anyway. if thats morbid i apologise. im actually in a fairly good mood...
    Thanks. :)
  7. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    I understand what you are talking about when you write that you don't want your son and other family members to feel negative about your death, but that's not going to happen. They are going to be hurt and mourn you deeply. If you take your own life, they will always wonder if there wasn't something they could have done that would have made a difference and so on one level, will always blame themselves. They will miss you and they will be terribly sad because they know you suffered. Some might even be angry with you.

    Just because you are unable to do everything you want to do for the people you love now, it doesn't mean you never will. Right now you are suffering from untreated depression. Is it worth another shot at the NZ mental health system? You say that the system tries to cope first with people who cannot look after themselves, but then mention that your family often has to step in and take over. That sounds as though you qualify for state aid to me, but being from the US, I don't understand the system. It does seem your situation is very serious and worth another try for help.

    Here in the US, the amount of free to low cost mental health services varies widely from state to state. I am in a liberal state where there are more services available but know in more conservative states there is very little help to be had.

    An aside about tossing yourself in the leper pit - leprosy has almost been eradicated and is very treatable. Let's hope the same holds true for depression some day!

    I think you are a very strong person. The love you feel for your family is a fine thing.
  8. ScarlettHurts1990

    ScarlettHurts1990 Active Member

    Sorry you're going through this! I know that feeling of immobilization. I think holding on for your son is a very wise and considerate choice. Whenever you are feeling super down, remember that he needs you and always will- you're his mama and no one can replace that! Keep on going and don't give up. I know how difficult it is but I believe in you!
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Conmonster, I'm really sorry to hear what you are going through. You asked is the mental health system like that in most countries? Here in Ireland it is not and all depends on whether you are a danger to yourself not if your incapable of looking after yourself. Although that all depends yet again in how deep you mean in looking after yourself. How have the court dates so far went regarding your son? I think you should go for them low lost therapy sessions, they could do you the world of good. Also, welcome to the forum :)
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