I am 26 years old female and a mother. Started thinking of suicides in teens. have been in and out of mental health since 18 but have never been diagnosed with anything. i cut sporadically and take large amounts of pills occasionally when really down, have been hospitalized 3 times for overdose on painkillers these times i told my sister what i had done. In a week i would spend maybe around 2 days of preoccupation with suicide. (i think of nothing else, in this time.) I write letters but i never like them or they are not good enough. On the days when i am the most suicidal i cannot move, literally, i am paralyzed, i will only move to harm myself or write letters etc. The Thoughts are what paralyze me, i know they are harmful but they do not go away until ive written letters or <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods> (wont go to hospital) , given myself a date or made a list of things that have to be sorted out before i can commence my suicide. I feel some detachment in regards to killing myself for myself. As in i feel i am a waste of energy and am okay with giving up my life as i feel there is already so much negative energy in the world and that my energy could be put to better use. But i frequently do not suicide as my son (hes in his father care) may have that forever on his shoulders and i cannot reason my way out of that.. Hes already suffered due to me. (hes only 4) Am somewhat worried about just killing myself with no plan due to out of control emotions at times. Since my teens, i have only ever gotten worse. My latest episode had me using methamphetamine (never used previously) , being a working girl (never been previously), and having a relationship with a guy which resulted in reasons why my son is not in my care anymore. My family has basically abandoned me as the above episode was the last straw. (Which im glad of because im tired of hurting my loved ones) Ive been living in a caravan park for the past 6 months. I quite often never leave my caravan.. even for my sons Court Dates. I dont know why i just feel paralyzed and its happened a few times throughout my adult life for months at a time. This has been the worst time. I am worried about myself because of this. If your son getting hurt and taken away from you, does not just make you sort yourself out. What will? -I do not want to be suicidal-, I just am.