Help.

[~Nobody~]

Help me.

All I can think about these last few days is killing myself. I just can't cope with this shit anymore. I feel so totally overwhelmed. I don't know what to do.

I wish I was selfish enough to have killed myself by now. It just seems so awful in my boyfriend's family's house. I have the means.

I can't even put this into words properly. I'm really struggling.

It's too much.

 

[Shauna Lea]

Hey 'Nobody', im really sorry to hear ur having such a tough time! Im also happy to hear that ur still here with us, and that u r reaching out for help.
U helped me so much when i first came on the site, so i know what a kind, caring and helpful person u r. There r not many people who got through to me like u did and i could never thank u enough for that. I know ur going through a tough time at the moment, but u r good enough to pull through. U CAN get through this! Sure its going to take some time, and alot of patience, but when u come out the other side u will b thankful that u kept going with life. U will have learnt so much, and hopefully u wll never have to feel the way u do now ever again.
R u seeing a councillor? if not, maybe that would help. Also, have u spoken to ur boyfriend about it? I kno for me sometimes it feels betterto talk to someone i person, they dont even need to say n e thing bac, just to kno they r listening to what u have to say!
PM me anytime, and please let us kno how ur coping.
Take care xoxo

 

[Cheryl]

I would like to help if I can. What are you struggling with?

Feel free to PM me if you'd like. I'm happy to listen....

 

[~Nobody~]

Everything is too much. I can't escape from my own mind and I hate myself for it. I can't see any other way out.

 

[~Nobody~]

I'm never going to be truly happy ever again. I'm never going to be able to live a normal life, do all the things I want to do.

There's no point in trying to keep struggling through. I've held on long enough. There's no other solution.

 

[Cheryl]

I have felt some of those same feelings before. 10 years ago I made an unsuccessful attempt to end my life. At that time, I could not see life getting any better. I didn't have the coping skills I needed to manage life. I didn't know HOW TO move forward. I was stuck and spinning my wheels - going no where but deeper into despair and fast. But, I got help. I found a counselor and a psychiatrist who did help me. I learned how to cope with my circumstances. I learned how to be happy again. And you can to. I know it doesn't seem like it right now. But, its true. You have to hold on tight and believe that things will get better. I don't know if you have a counselor right now, but perhaps that would be a benefit to you.

Listen, you can make it. I know its been this way some time for you. But, it won't always be this way. Getting help is the first step in finding a solution. There is a way out of this intense emotional pain, but you have to ask for help.

I'm so glad you're posting here. That's a start. Keep posting. Keep talking about what you're feeling. Feel free to PM me if you would like. I'm here!

I care,

 

[~Nobody~]

Thank you.

I'm finding it very difficult to get anything out in words that make sense.

Sorry.

How did the counsellor and psychiatrist help you? I have counselling every week now from a social worker. She's sympathetic but I don't think she really understands how messed up I am. On Monday she told me I seem to be coping really well. She hasn't ever asked about suicide, so I haven't been able to tell. I tried to steer it a bit on Monday, I told her I felt hopeless. She said I didn't, because I'm getting help.

But I do.

It's all downhill.

I've given up feeling that I want to get better. I just don't want to feel at all anymore.

If this didn't make sense, I don't know.

 

[Cheryl]

Its okay, don't worry about how or what you say....just say it how you feel it and we'll go from there.

It sounds like your social work counselor is not really listening to you. I was counseled by a psychotherapist. This type of counselor has different training than that of a social worker. I'm glad you have a social worker at least. However, your saying she's not really helping. Based on that fact alone, I would suggest that you try to find a psychotherapist/counselor. Your social worker seems afraid or perhaps unskilled to help you navigate through your pain. She's right, getting help is great. But, you need to be able to receive skilled counsel, and someone who is HEARING you, and skilled enough to know what your saying and not saying.

You are making perfect sense. I can only tell you that the intensity of your emotional pain right now will NOT be like this forever. You are not beyond help. Things can really turn around for you. They really can.

But, its going to be important to have the right kind of support around you. And, the other necessary ingredient is you need to at least WANT things to get better. Those two things together will massively help you move forward.

What is it that you don't feel like you can cope with right now?

PM me if you care to.

 

[~Nobody~]

In an ideal world of course I want things to get better. It's just that now the only way to fix this is to kill myself.

If I die I won't think or feel anything. I'll have no past. No problems. It'll just all be over. I want that.

I feel bad putting the social worker down. She is obviously trying. I don't want to say that she isn't experienced because she is not young and she said she's been doing it pretty much her whole adult life. I don't want to think that she can't help me, that she doesn't understand. If she doesn't get it then who will?? My mum already doesn't get it.

What's the point?

The thing I can't cope with is my own mind. It sounds melodramatic but I am tortured constantly. Memories. Bad thoughts. I hate myself so how am I supposed to feel okay? Never mind good.

I'm scared that this therapy might not actually help me. I guess I rested all my hopes on it.

 

[Cheryl]

There are other solutions. Let chat if you'd like to...

 

[lost in space]

Nobody

It sounds somewhat like what I'm going thru right now, I'm tired of struggling, and all of the negative thoughts running through my mind. I just want to lay down and sleep forever...but I know that's not the answer. Are you taking any meds? When I get to feeling like this I take a med for anxiety and it helps relax me...I know it's not a long term cure but it helps me get past the rough spots until I can work things out. Today I made an appointment with my therapist and pdoc because the AD that I've been taking for the last 6 years just isn't doing the job...and I can feel myself spiraling downward...you might be too. Will your therapist prescribe something to help relieve some of your anxiety? Sometimes it takes both therapy and meds to help you get where you want to be.

 

[Cheryl]

It looks like you're no longer on line. Sorry I missed you when you were online.

How do you know that its all over when you die? It sounds good, but is it really over?

Wouldn't it be better to find other solutions on this side, rather than believing that things will be different on the other side?

You do have other options. We just need to discover what they are and go from there.

Your SW may be sincerely trying, but the reality is that you're not getting the help you need. It doesn't mean that she's not a good person. Simply that she doesn't have the skills that you need right now. Believe me there are people who GET IT...REALLY GET IT. I'm one of them. Its okay if she doesn't get it. Its okay if your mom doesn't get it. But, there are people who do get it. You will find some of them here at SF.

Why do you hate yourself?

 

[~Nobody~]

Lost In Space, thank you for replying. I have been taking 50mg of Sertraline a day for the last three weeks. As of yet it hasn't helped at all. My social worker can't increase or prescribe meds, I have another meeting with her and the psychiatrist together in the middle of March. Until then nothing can change in terms of medication.

Cheryl, I really appreciate your trying to help. But I don't think you'll get anywhere. I wish I thought you could, but I don't.

I hate myself because I am an awful person.

 

[Cheryl]

Somebody -

You are NOT too far gone! You still have the rest of your life in front of you to become the person you desire to be. There's still time for you to turn your life around and find peace on the inside of you - in your mind.

With regard to the medication your currently taking, it could take a couple more weeks before you begin to feel the medication kicking in and doing its part. It takes some time to build up in your system.

 

[~Nobody~]

I know that about the medication. That's what they said. Don't get how it would hurt them to put the dose up sooner though. It can go up to 200mg a day safely. But then they don't know. About me. Not really.

I am too far gone. I appreciate what you did by calling me somebody. But the somebody I am is no good.

I can never turn my life around now. I can never have a normal life. I'm too fucked up.

 

[Shauna Lea]

Hey huni, i wish there was something i could say that would make u instantly feel better...unfortunatly i dont think that is feesable so all i can do is offer my best advice and support for u.
Im not going to lie and pretend that i havent thought killing myself is the only way out, im sure alot of us have been there, but the key is that all of us that r here talking to u 2day have gotten through. We r still here and we want u to b strong and stay here with us too! Although we havent met u in person, we can see that ur a good person and u can b happy! At the moment u may not b able to see that happiness, it may feel so far away that u cant reach, but its jsut because depression is clouding ur vision. If u work for it, b patient, and really reach out u can find happiness, accept urself, accept life and ultimatly get past this!
It may take u a while to find a councillor that really gets through to u, but stick wit it, keep pushing on, and u will find soemthing that works for u! We r all different and need different methods to cope, i hope with all my heart that u find urs soon!
Take care! xoxo

 

[Cheryl]

You are somebody. You have dignity and worth. Perhaps you have not yet discovered it. But you do. Its buried underneath a lot of pain. But, its there and you can find it.

You matter! Your life matters! You are not too far gone. There's still time. Give it a chance. Reach up and tie a knew knot and hang on. You will get through this intensity of pain.

Your life can be so much different than it is today. I shared with you 8 - 10 years ago, i would not have believed that my life could be different. Like you, I thought I was an awful person and not worthy of a better life. IT WAS A LIE. I had been lied to and I believed the lie. When I believed the lie, I literally increased the lies power against me. You have to break your agreement with the lies that have assaulted your mind. If you come into agreement with the lies you give them power of you. And, you have a choice as to what you will believe and not believe.

I have exposed the lies that you are awful, and too far gone. These are lies. Break your agreement with the lie and confess the opposite. As you continue to do this...you will feel the power of the lies break its grip off of your mind.

 

[lost in space]

I like calling you Somebody too, because you are somebody, a very special somebody. Doctors usually start new meds at a lower dose inorder to keep an eye on any possible side affects and/or because of the mechanics of the med itself...some meds need to be increased at a slower rate. In a couple of weeks you could start feeling much better. It takes time, and maybe you can ask your pdoc for something for the anxiety for the more difficult times. Studies have shown that taking an AD along with talk therapy greatly heals the pain of depression.

There are a lot of very well informed and caring people on this forum that are more than willing to lend whatever support you may need.

Good luck and keep posting.

 

[~Nobody~]

Thank you all for replying, for caring.

It's really nice of you.

But you should stop now as I am a waste of time.

Bad night.

 

[Shauna Lea]

Its not a waste of time at all hun! We r all more than happy to help, thats what this place is all about. Tell us how ur feeling now, tell us whats on ur mind, u can talk to us about n e thing...i kno i can speak on behalf of everyone we r more than happy to help!
Please take care! U deserve to b happy, and soon enough i kno u will be! :biggrin: