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I don't feel I can talk to anyone about this right now. I have friends who I know care but don't know how they'd handle this - they know nothing of anything going on here and I think this sounds too angry to randomly unleash on them =( I'm sorry it's so long - thankyou to anyone who reads, I feel like I need to talk to someone I don't know about this =(

... Maybe I don't wanna talk about it. Ever considered that? That I'm telling you I'm not doing too well because I just want you to know that I'll take a while to cheer up and be myself again, so don't think I'm p*ssed off at you or whatever. And that I just wanna try and get past it for a bit and feel normal whilst I am.
Or I know the person I'm talking to won't react well to it. They'll go "oh." or "aww." and that'll be the end of it, and I'll be stuck in the middle of a rant and all frustrated but confused as to how to continue. Yet again.
Or the recent reason. That there's absolutely no reason at all for me to be feeling so sh*t, actually.
Which is what scares me.
I'm worse than I was this time last year when I actually *did* have a reason to be unhappy.
So what the f*ck is going on THERE?
I am incredibly sick of horrible highs and lows lately. They scare me, and no one believes that they're possible as I feel so far removed when I'm going through them to how I usually do. I'm sure no one who knows me can imagine me flipping out like that. I couldn't either. And there is no reason for them to be happening. At all.
And that in itself has come up with a whole extra reason why I'm "not so good".
Confession time much? F*ck that.
Soooo it turns out cutting is a loverly solution to being BOTH up and down.
When I am down, what I'd really like to do would be to cry to someone about everything. How bad and hopeless I really do feel sometimes. But again, they do not believe that I can feel that way when I cry about how I'll never be anyone's special person. They would think that I'm just attention seeking and want to be told that I am wrong, that I am a good person that someone will someday love. Well that's all sh*t.
Or worse still, they will know exactly what I'm talking about and secretly agree with me whilst being nice and still telling me that I'm wrong.
So if I can't have a hug then I will take the loverly pain and blood thankyouverymuch, as it calms me down and wears me out and distracts me.
When I am up I have stupid amounts of energy and my mind races too fast for me to slow it down and understand what I am thinking. I am invincible and have a good hack at myself simply because that is the only thing fast and painful enough to keep me occupied. Sometimes simply out of boredom and frustration. And again, it distracts me and calms me down.
As the song goes: "Comfort hasn't failed to follow so far"
And that's all fine, I figure. As long as I am in control, right?
Again, fuck that. I am NOT going to want to give up anytime soon. How the hell else am I supposed to handle feeling like this, hmm?
But it's bothering me that I freak out a LOT if I go a night or two with no access to sharp stuff. I can't fix that if my way of feeling better isn't there =(
And even that's not doing the job. Right now I am freaking out because I have nothing here sharp enough to REALLY hurt myself with. The little cuts all over aren't enough anymore.
So I am freaking and doing the best I can with what I have. And it isn't fucking good enough. And starting to think about the knives downstairs but oh god that wouldn't be enough. And I can't run downstairs and get one anyway.
But I can't fucking sit still here so again, I'm doing all that I can.
Ohhh god. I think I've been on the verge of a nasty high the past couple of days. I was hoping they'd just go away, the lows are more familiar but these scare me. (or is it too much to ask to feel "normal" for a whole few days?)
I haven't wanted to sleep or eat AT ALL since Friday but I thought I was doing okies yesterday. I thought I was today but I can feel something coming on NOW. So apparently not =S
And I can't stop shaking now. How f*cking pathetic is that?
I'm still not quite at the point of wanting to do *that* much damage to myself as to need proper attention. I've been doing my best so far by keeping stuff clean and trying to take care of them - but WTF? Why aren't there proper bandages ANYWHERE in this house? It sounds like a stupid thing to be irritated about but there's blood all over some of my favourite longsleeves. And I'm getting on the tights I wear on my arms too. Urgh =S
Because that would not be fun to explain to anyone. What I want least of all is to "cause a scene".
But f*ck me, would I like to.
Do some proper damage with something BIG and sharp. I've been longing to. Too much clean skin where the oldest cuts are starting to heal over and it's the perfect place for a loverly big DEEP set of cuts.
Show people that I'm not just whining. I really do feel that bad.
And as much as I hate to say it, hospitilisation would be a loverly rest from everything right now. I can't make it through a week of school at the moment without running out and am finding it impossible to work, which is gonna start being a problem soon =( There's so much coursework that I need to get done and I just can't. I can't concentrate on anything right now or sit down and think for too long without needing to SCREAM.
And a rest from people, to be honest *le sigh*
A physical rest from how crappy I feel. My heart has been FLIPPING out over the last couple of weeks and I don't like it =( I can't sleep or eat so I'm all blargh (ohhhh god was my Thursday in sleeping nice last week <3) feeling too.
Only thing is, I just dread the aftermath that something like that would create >.<
What's wrong with me? Help? =(
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