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hElP!?!?!?!

  • Thread starter Perfectly Imperfect
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Perfectly Imperfect

#1
#1
I'm feeling so depressed right now and I've been cutting. I'm considering ending it, just so there's no more pain, no more suffering, no crap to put up with anymore...I don't know another way out and I need some help with this. I feel unworthy and unappreciated for all of the things I've done. I feel like I've let alot of people down too...and it's just too much to bear anymore. Somebody please help, if at all possible, I'm calling out for any kind of help tonight. I'm alone and I'm scared out of my mind right now. I just need someone to talk to! Please?
 
Jodi

Jodi

Staff Alumni
#3
#3
Jacque,
sorry this comes as a late reply....but how are you holding up now?....hows things?...whats going on, thats got you feeling this way? :hug:
 
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Perfectly Imperfect

#4
#4
Well, there's alot of shit going on...I'm 19, graduated high school in May of 06 and I didn't go to college as my parents wished...so they are dissapointed in me for that. I joined the military instead and now I'm in Alaska. This place is boring as hell, nothing to do whatsoever, and it gives me alot of time to think about shit that I don't need to be thinking about...and how fucked up my life has been. Ya see, when I was younger, my mom was married 4 times and 2 of the 4 were abusive to her and myself. That makes me wonder...what the hell did I do wrong...must've been something right?! Then, I have my boyfriend who is in Oklahoma right now because he's still in high school and he's in the Army Nat'l Guard. He will be going to Iraq soon if he is not able to transfer...but he didn't listen to me when he first decided to join, Of course not, like my opinion matters. He joined the fucking Army, knowing damn well that he would be going to Iraq sooner or later. I also have alot of friends who are there now, or will be going soon, and it's hard to know what they are going through right now. I've lost too many friends over there, and I don't understand....WHY ME?!?!?! Also, I was put with the facilities maintenance department of the station here in Alaska...possibly the shittiest job one could ask for. It's engineering and I don't want anything to do with it, so I don't try....I just don't care anymore...about ANYTHING!!!! I just want the pain to cease, forever. So, I cut again tonite, yeah, just another failure, digging myself deeper into this hole that I made myself. Oh well, I guess that's just the way it goes...and when the time comes, I won't be here anymore to cause anymore problems for anybody. I will no longer be a nuisance to anyone. I will rest in peace and not have to deal with any of this shit anymore...RELIEF.
 
6

66jhnc

Member
#5
#5
some people like to say that relief is a feeling that only the living can experience.

but whenever people say i just think, well fine i don't want relief i just don't want to feel THIS anymore, so i'm not sure why i said that to you. but who knows, maybe you'll be a person for whom that's meaingful.

i often feel like all i do is cause people problems, but i also know that my death would be a lot for them to deal with and a lot of days, the guilt of putting my family, and (few) friends, and even random people who live in my building or are in my classes, through the pain of dealing with someone they know dying keeps me from killing myself. even though i usually think i'm not worth anyone giving a crap about, i know that it would suck to know someone who killed themself. that's pretty traumatizing.

i can relate to the cutting. i've been doing a lot of that myself these days. please stay safe.

i'm having a really hard time right now too. but i'm trying to believe that this is temporary. that things will change, that they will get better.

someone said to me, it's not that you want to die, it's that you want a different life. and that's true. for me at least. and i think it's probably true for you too. so maybe we should try to change our lives into the type of life we want. then maybe we won't want to die. i'm not sure it'll work, but i think, at least for the sake of the people around us, we ought to give it a shot.
 
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Perfectly Imperfect

#6
#6
I think that my death would effect some people, sure, but they would get over it...eventually you forget right? I've lost friends to suicide, and I know how it feels to lose a loved one, but the thing is...I understand how they felt when they were here dealing with their own personal hell. I do want a new life...but I can't have that so the next best thing, is no life at all. At one point I thought all of this was temporary, but it just continues to worsen...like all that comes my way is bad luck, I'm just fucked! I've tried really hard to look up and try to believe that things are going to get better, but the more I believe that, the worse it gets...or so it seems. I was taught to put my faith in God and just let Him do the work...but for some reason, I can't do that anymore. I've kept him out of this and I don't know that it has done any good, but I don't think it would be any different. I have no faith anymore, no hope, no worth. I have absolutely no reason for being here today...and I don't deserve to be here right now, but for some reason, I'm here, I'm holding on, at least for now anyways.
 
T

TLA

Antiquitie's Friend
#7
#7
Jacque said:
I understand how they felt when they were here dealing with their own personal hell. I do want a new life...but I can't have that so the next best thing, is no life at all. At one point I thought all of this was temporary, but it just continues to worsen...like all that comes my way is bad luck, I'm just fucked! I've tried really hard to look up and try to believe that things are going to get better, but the more I believe that, the worse it gets...or so it seems. I was taught to put my faith in God and just let Him do the work...but for some reason, I can't do that anymore. I've kept him out of this and I don't know that it has done any good, but I don't think it would be any different. I have no faith anymore, no hope, no worth. I have absolutely no reason for being here today...and I don't deserve to be here right now, but for some reason, I'm here, I'm holding on, at least for now anyways.
Click to expand...

Jacque-
I don't want to appear to lecture you at all. You have dealt with stuff and sound very mature. Except for the fact that you say you want a new life...girlie. You go, you are only 19. Take life by the horns!! It is just starting
and you want to throw in the towel? Get that new life. I would love to be your age and have a do-over. shit yea. It was rough in my childhood too, this is life that is why it sux. It only gets weirder too.
You have a lot of worth.The fact that you found this site and opened your heart is a huge step of courage. Not many women can do what you are doing right now.

I just want to figure out why you are torn up over your bad luck? I never have used that term, but if so, my luck=nada/zip/zero/nothing. oh well.

If I hurt your feelings, I am sorry. I don't mean to. But, I hear your pain and sometimes you need another pal to say that is not true of you!!
I feel if you are able to get thru this junk and endure, you will know Hey, I can get the life I do WANT. I can see that life with J-A-C-Q-U-E all over it. That life is out there for you...then, you will remeber this terrible memory of Alaska, the last frontier. Remember, it is only starting off for you.

I am not always so pumped. But, your location and desperation in your words did get to me. Feel free to PM or email me if you need. Sometimes I do not sleep well either.
Take care and do post!
 
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Jodi

Jodi

Staff Alumni
#8
#8
Jacque, :flowers:

Im glad your holding on, I remember being 19, scared as hell, on my fisrt ship in the Navy, and thier were issues, do you have a base chaplin, that maybe you could talk too??....I hear your pain, and believe I can relate,

Jacque said:
facilities maintenance department of the station here in Alaska...possibly the shittiest job one could ask for.
Click to expand...
....I hear your pain, Im sure we could trade stories, Ive had some pretty shitty jobs on board ship.....I was in during first Gulf War, so I know what its like to lose friends, close friends, to shitty causes,......


here for you anytime, PM me if you ever want to chat...thinking of you, and hoping you find some ways to pass the time....do you get much time on the computer, look forward to hearing more from you....take good care... :hug:
 
C

~CazzaAngel~

Staff Alumni
#9
#9
Jodi said:
Jacque, :flowers:

Im glad your holding on, I remember being 19, scared as hell, on my fisrt ship in the Navy, and thier were issues, do you have a base chaplin, that maybe you could talk too??....I hear your pain, and believe I can relate,


....I hear your pain, Im sure we could trade stories, Ive had some pretty shitty jobs on board ship.....I was in during first Gulf War, so I know what its like to lose friends, close friends, to shitty causes,......


here for you anytime, PM me if you ever want to chat...thinking of you, and hoping you find some ways to pass the time....do you get much time on the computer, look forward to hearing more from you....take good care... :hug:
Click to expand...
^^^^^^
:yes:

Welcome, all that goes for me too, hang in there. I'm here for ya anytime. :)
 
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