Help

[Niamh137]

I never have the courage to ask for help when I need it since any time I’ve tried I normally make things much worse. Maybe I’ve chosen the wrong people but it seems while 99% of the time I don’t want or ask for help, 1% of the time I have enough clarity and courage to ask for help because that’s what people say you must do if you feel suicidal, tell someone.

The only occasions I’ve brought myself to reach out its been met with absolute rage by the person I’ve told. I’ve got Aspergers so maybe my confusion is down to some emotional illiteracy connected with that but to me in those moments I’m trying to reach out because its what you’re supposed to do, it’s written on posters, they tell you it at the hospital, it’s everywhere, as painful and difficult as it is to do, so are the multiple people I’ve confided in coincidentally all exceptions to this rule or am I missing something?

The latest example of this is my mother who I’ve moved in with temporarily due to complex circumstances. after spending time in foster care and then moving to a different uk country for a few years she still took me in when she found out about me being abused and has gone to great efforts to help me. Based on this, in a moment of weakness and desperation I thought it would be okay to confide to her I was having suicidal thoughts one night (31/10/20) but I have never seen her angrier. I’ve been trying really hard since then not to slip up but I don’t have a phone because social media was affecting my mental health to such an extent, so when I’m feeling like I do now where I might have called the Samaritans I have to ask my mum to use the house phone. I don’t have any friends or extended family or anyone outside of these 4 walls that I speak to so my mum knows the only number I have to call is the Samaritans and therefore refuses to let me use the phone.

I really want someone to talk me off of this ledge before I do something I‘ll regret because my mood swings so quickly and with such intensity it’s a high possibility, the main thing holding me back is the thought of my last suicide attempt when I was in an abusive relationship before moving home. If I were to be unsuccessful again I would have to answer to my mum, the same way as last time I came to in a hospital bed after a day or so just to be sent home with the man who had driven me to that point, unable to say any different because he was right there the entire time.

This is how I’ve arrived here tonight, I‘m suicidal, I have no means of contacting anyone by phone yet I know myself and I’m getting progressively closer to taking action on it, my mother is angry at me but for now in the next room celebrating the new year with my siblings while I am crying alone knowing that the whole world over people are celebrating the promise of the new year together. I just wish I had one person, a friend that I could exchange “Happy New Years!” with and then maybe I wouldn’t find it so hard to believe it won’t be as painful as the last.

 

[UnlikeableAndUnwanted]

I'm wide awake and in the UK. If you want to chat, then PM me .

 

[ib4uib]

I don't know of anybody celebrating the New Year together. But then lockdown is all over the UK.

I believe a lot of people are selfish to a huge degree.
When you confided in your Mum about feeling suicidal I would put money on it she automatically felt huge guilt and got angry. What I mean is she probably blames herself for you feeling suicidal. And that's based on putting you in foster homes when you was younger.

I stopped talking to anybody over 5 years ago. I observe from afar and all I see are false relationships, false friendships and people falling to bits all over the place because they are scared to death of this so called virus thing.

So you're not alone, not by far.

Go easy on yourself and just write it all down on here, getting it out instead of keeping it in on the inside is a good thing, right!

 

[Niamh137]

Thank you for being so kind, I don’t know whether it’s based on guilt I’ve never looked at it that way but it’s possible, although she helped me a lot by letting me stay here now that could also be down to guilt too, I’m still happy there‘s some form of relationship there and by posting this it’s helped me realise that talking does help so long as you don’t choose the wrong person, I’m so grateful to have found this space

I guess I’m so isolated normally by choice that since I don’t leave my house or socialise and have even cut out media that whilst I’m aware COVID is still a huge thing I forget how much it must be affecting people who had a social life otherwise, it’s sad yet reassuring to think a lot of people can empathise with the loneliness I’m going through right now

 

[BraveFace]

Its been really quiet here too, normally we have fireworks going off for ages, but all I heard were about 3 and then nothing!

Another thing to consider Niamh is that your mum got angry because she was scared of losing you. You know when a a kid goes off in the shops and the parent goes frantic trying to find them and when they do they have a go a their child for running off...? But really they were scared

Yeah, this lockdown sucks. I generally don't mind being alone, but there are times when I get lonely and it's nice to have someone to chat to

 

[may71]

Sorry that you're going through this Niamh.

The only occasions I’ve brought myself to reach out its been met with absolute rage by the person I’ve told. I’ve got Aspergers so maybe my confusion is down to some emotional illiteracy connected with that but to me in those moments I’m trying to reach out because its what you’re supposed to do, it’s written on posters, they tell you it at the hospital, it’s everywhere, as painful and difficult as it is to do, so are the multiple people I’ve confided in coincidentally all exceptions to this rule or am I missing something?

It's awful that your efforts to reach out have been received so poorly in the past. It's hard enough to reach out at all, that kind of reaction was the last thing you needed.

While reaching out to someone is really necessary, it's also necessary that the person that you reach out to is willing and able to help. Those posters are really incomplete. I'm not sure of all of the reasons, but most people seem like they are poor sources of support for someone who is suicidal.

I really want someone to talk me off of this ledge

How are you now? Do you want to give an update?

I don’t have a phone because social media was affecting my mental health to such an extent, so when I’m feeling like I do now where I might have called the Samaritans I have to ask my mum to use the house phone. I don’t have any friends or extended family or anyone outside of these 4 walls that I speak to so my mum knows the only number I have to call is the Samaritans and therefore refuses to let me use the phone

I think Samaritans has support via email, but it can take longer to get a response. If you have a smart phone, but not service for that phone, sometimes you can still access the internet via wifi, and apparently you can make wifi phone calls via "google hangouts" (I'm sure google engages in data collection, but that's one way to make phone calls). I think you can also get a free phone in the UK if you qualify by income, and cost is an obstacle to your getting a phone.

 

[may71]

I’m so grateful to have found this space

 

[adamjam]

I never have the courage to ask for help when I need it since any time I’ve tried I normally make things much worse. Maybe I’ve chosen the wrong people but it seems while 99% of the time I don’t want or ask for help, 1% of the time I have enough clarity and courage to ask for help because that’s what people say you must do if you feel suicidal, tell someone.

The only occasions I’ve brought myself to reach out its been met with absolute rage by the person I’ve told. I’ve got Aspergers so maybe my confusion is down to some emotional illiteracy connected with that but to me in those moments I’m trying to reach out because its what you’re supposed to do, it’s written on posters, they tell you it at the hospital, it’s everywhere, as painful and difficult as it is to do, so are the multiple people I’ve confided in coincidentally all exceptions to this rule or am I missing something?

The latest example of this is my mother who I’ve moved in with temporarily due to complex circumstances. after spending time in foster care and then moving to a different uk country for a few years she still took me in when she found out about me being abused and has gone to great efforts to help me. Based on this, in a moment of weakness and desperation I thought it would be okay to confide to her I was having suicidal thoughts one night (31/10/20) but I have never seen her angrier. I’ve been trying really hard since then not to slip up but I don’t have a phone because social media was affecting my mental health to such an extent, so when I’m feeling like I do now where I might have called the Samaritans I have to ask my mum to use the house phone. I don’t have any friends or extended family or anyone outside of these 4 walls that I speak to so my mum knows the only number I have to call is the Samaritans and therefore refuses to let me use the phone.

I really want someone to talk me off of this ledge before I do something I‘ll regret because my mood swings so quickly and with such intensity it’s a high possibility, the main thing holding me back is the thought of my last suicide attempt when I was in an abusive relationship before moving home. If I were to be unsuccessful again I would have to answer to my mum, the same way as last time I came to in a hospital bed after a day or so just to be sent home with the man who had driven me to that point, unable to say any different because he was right there the entire time.

This is how I’ve arrived here tonight, I‘m suicidal, I have no means of contacting anyone by phone yet I know myself and I’m getting progressively closer to taking action on it, my mother is angry at me but for now in the next room celebrating the new year with my siblings while I am crying alone knowing that the whole world over people are celebrating the promise of the new year together. I just wish I had one person, a friend that I could exchange “Happy New Years!” with and then maybe I wouldn’t find it so hard to believe it won’t be as painful as the last.

Sorry that you are going through this, SF is a great place to come for support, the people here are really nice and do care.

 

[Niamh137]

While I know that my mum cares on some level, I think she has strong beliefs and it’s very difficult for her change her mind or admit she’s wrong, she didn’t believe me the first time and basically called my bluff saying I was trying to manipulate her and even that I was trying to deliberately sabotage her health by causing her that sort of stress, none of which was true but she came was present at a psychiatric appt since where my previous hospital admittances were brought up when I made attempts before and I could see her shock, as I hadn’t mentioned that and I think then she must have understood that those occasions couldn’t have been to manipulate her or cause her stress because I never called her, or even told her after the fact, I think the guilt element may come in there in having thought I was bluffing and would never act on my suicidal thoughts if I even had them and that I had some malicious ulterior motive for the things I said.

I think it’s hard for her to back down from her stance at this stage but maybe she only convinced herself I was bluffing because she was scared to believe I could mean it, there are so many different possibilities it makes my head spin, I find it difficult to trust people for that reason, it’s all games and guesswork mostly, I just wish everything could be talked openly about so we could understand each other better but talking even generally about how I feel is always badly received because I’m too depressing and exhausting to talk to in her words.

Going by what she’s actually said and not what I’m trying to guess at, it feels as though the only thing that could make her understand is going through with it to bring some validation what I’ve said. I don’t know I felt so much relief to speak freely here because I really have no one else other than my mum who reacted the way she has, I haven’t spoken to anyone about how I’ve been feeling for the best part of a year, other than at psychiatric appts where frankly they talk at me and about me more than they give me chance to speak, other than yes/no questions, I gained some hope in managing to even post something here Because you were all so kind, it felt like a sign things would be okay but I think I maybe just exaggerate feelings sometimes and though I feel sure in this moment you all have given me reason enough to keep going for tonight, for a while longer even, I know myself well enough to expect my mood to swing right back at some point or other, but I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it and try to acquire myself a phone before that happens, but I am very grateful to everyone here, I’ve gotten so emotional reading your responses you need to know how much difference you’ve made to my life just by caring when you didn’t have to, literal lifesavers, thank you all

 

[adamjam]

While I know that my mum cares on some level, I think she has strong beliefs and it’s very difficult for her change her mind or admit she’s wrong, she didn’t believe me the first time and basically called my bluff saying I was trying to manipulate her and even that I was trying to deliberately sabotage her health by causing her that sort of stress, none of which was true but she came was present at a psychiatric appt since where my previous hospital admittances were brought up when I made attempts before and I could see her shock, as I hadn’t mentioned that and I think then she must have understood that those occasions couldn’t have been to manipulate her or cause her stress because I never called her, or even told her after the fact, I think the guilt element may come in there in having thought I was bluffing and would never act on my suicidal thoughts if I even had them and that I had some malicious ulterior motive for the things I said.

I think it’s hard for her to back down from her stance at this stage but maybe she only convinced herself I was bluffing because she was scared to believe I could mean it, there are so many different possibilities it makes my head spin, I find it difficult to trust people for that reason, it’s all games and guesswork mostly, I just wish everything could be talked openly about so we could understand each other better but talking even generally about how I feel is always badly received because I’m too depressing and exhausting to talk to in her words.

Going by what she’s actually said and not what I’m trying to guess at, it feels as though the only thing that could make her understand is going through with it to bring some validation what I’ve said. I don’t know I felt so much relief to speak freely here because I really have no one else other than my mum who reacted the way she has, I haven’t spoken to anyone about how I’ve been feeling for the best part of a year, other than at psychiatric appts where frankly they talk at me and about me more than they give me chance to speak, other than yes/no questions, I gained some hope in managing to even post something here Because you were all so kind, it felt like a sign things would be okay but I think I maybe just exaggerate feelings sometimes and though I feel sure in this moment you all have given me reason enough to keep going for tonight, for a while longer even, I know myself well enough to expect my mood to swing right back at some point or other, but I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it and try to acquire myself a phone before that happens, but I am very grateful to everyone here, I’ve gotten so emotional reading your responses you need to know how much difference you’ve made to my life just by caring when you didn’t have to, literal lifesavers, thank you all

When your mood swings, just swing on back here.

 

[may71]

I feel sure in this moment you all have given me reason enough to keep going for tonight, for a while longer even

I'm glad you're in a better place Niamh

I’ve gotten so emotional reading your responses you need to know how much difference you’ve made to my life just by caring when you didn’t have to, literal lifesavers, thank you all

You're welcome! Yay, SF being awesome again!

 

[may71]

Does your psychiatrist know about your mood swings? Are you getting medication now?

Maybe having a therapist would help. I'm not sure if your mother would object to that. Maybe there's a way around it even if she did. Because of Covid, I think a lot of therapy appointments are via Skype or Zoom or something like that, so you might be able to start therapy without your mother even knowing.

 

[Niamh137]

Thank you I will

 

[sadhart]

Thank you I will

Sorry as I know this isn't much help, but I'm sorry for all you're going through, but just know that you aren't alone in this.

 

[Niamh137]

My psychiatrist knows and is thinking there’s possibly a bpd diagnosis but not yet confirmed, they’ve suggested both antidepressants and mood stabilisers (sertraline and quetiapine or something?) but to add another obstacle, my mum - whilst quite convinced that bpd is the right call - is totally against medication and basically thinks there’s nothing that a good diet, sleep pattern and exercise can’t fix, i tried to suggest I wanted to try the medication and she made it no secret that she wasn’t okay with it, she said medications react in all sorts of ways and that antidepressants contributed to my dads death (he had a heart attack several years ago, she gave an explanation of the logic behind this but I honestly can’t remember how) she also said they could react badly with me and she has to think about the safety of my siblings and herself in the house, basically implying I couldn’t live here if I was going to take the medication because I’d be a danger in some way, I honestly don’t know but I can’t bring it up again without being prepared for a big confrontation because she’s made her stance clear and whilst I don’t agree I don’t have anywhere else to live and I’m in too fragile a place to start that conversation up knowing where it will head,

As for therapy I’m in the uk and cannot afford private therapy so whilst all parties agree that it’s necessary, I’m on a waiting list to get an appointment with the person who can make the referral to get me on the waiting list for therapy, I’m told it will be months if not years so who knows!

 

[Niamh137]

Sorry as I know this isn't much help, but I'm sorry for all you're going through, but just know that you aren't alone in this.

This is the first time I’ve discussed how I feel in a really long time, or spoken to anyone other than my immediate family about anything for that matter so honestly I can’t tell you how much it helps to hear that, I’m genuinely overwhelmed by all the support, thank you

 

[Champagne]

Hello, @Niamh137 welcome to SF It is lovely to meet you I'm so glad you joined us here.

If it helps any, I don't know anyone that celebrated NYE and I didn't celebrate with anyone just went to sleep but I understand your frustration. I got lots of happy new year messages from my friends here on SF which means a lot to me. Like you, I don't socialise much and I get a lot of your post and where you are coming from, please know that you are most definitely not alone. That is a certainty

I have made the most amazing friends here on this forum and I'm sure you will too, you seem like a lovely down- to- earth person. The people here are extremely supportive, caring, empathic and will be here to support you through good and bad

You have been given great advice here and I wish you the best for 2021. May you find happiness, friendship and all that you wish for. 💕

 

[Niamh137]

Hello, @Niamh137 welcome to SF It is lovely to meet you I'm so glad you joined us here.

If it helps any, I don't know anyone that celebrated NYE and I didn't celebrate with anyone just went to sleep but I understand your frustration. I got lots of happy new year messages from my friends here on SF which means a lot to me. Like you, I don't socialise much and I get a lot of your post and where you are coming from, please know that you are most definitely not alone. That is a certainty

I have made the most amazing friends here on this forum and I'm sure you will too, you seem like a lovely down- to- earth person. The people here are extremely supportive, caring, empathic and will be here to support you through good and bad

You have been given great advice here and I wish you the best for 2021. May you find happiness, friendship and all that you wish for. 💕

Thank you so much, for being so understanding and welcoming

 

[ib4uib]

Keep this one under your belt for the future, I spoke to them a few years back and was offered a free stay, but I fell out of the system and had no address so I couldn't go. But I still spoke to them every now and then by phone. You might find calling them will be a bit more helpful than 'The Samaritans' as it's more of a expertise area.
I mean the people running it understand everything only to well!

Maytree Clinic

 

[ib4uib]