I never have the courage to ask for help when I need it since any time I’ve tried I normally make things much worse. Maybe I’ve chosen the wrong people but it seems while 99% of the time I don’t want or ask for help, 1% of the time I have enough clarity and courage to ask for help because that’s what people say you must do if you feel suicidal, tell someone.
The only occasions I’ve brought myself to reach out its been met with absolute rage by the person I’ve told. I’ve got Aspergers so maybe my confusion is down to some emotional illiteracy connected with that but to me in those moments I’m trying to reach out because its what you’re supposed to do, it’s written on posters, they tell you it at the hospital, it’s everywhere, as painful and difficult as it is to do, so are the multiple people I’ve confided in coincidentally all exceptions to this rule or am I missing something?
The latest example of this is my mother who I’ve moved in with temporarily due to complex circumstances. after spending time in foster care and then moving to a different uk country for a few years she still took me in when she found out about me being abused and has gone to great efforts to help me. Based on this, in a moment of weakness and desperation I thought it would be okay to confide to her I was having suicidal thoughts one night (31/10/20) but I have never seen her angrier. I’ve been trying really hard since then not to slip up but I don’t have a phone because social media was affecting my mental health to such an extent, so when I’m feeling like I do now where I might have called the Samaritans I have to ask my mum to use the house phone. I don’t have any friends or extended family or anyone outside of these 4 walls that I speak to so my mum knows the only number I have to call is the Samaritans and therefore refuses to let me use the phone.
I really want someone to talk me off of this ledge before I do something I‘ll regret because my mood swings so quickly and with such intensity it’s a high possibility, the main thing holding me back is the thought of my last suicide attempt when I was in an abusive relationship before moving home. If I were to be unsuccessful again I would have to answer to my mum, the same way as last time I came to in a hospital bed after a day or so just to be sent home with the man who had driven me to that point, unable to say any different because he was right there the entire time.
This is how I’ve arrived here tonight, I‘m suicidal, I have no means of contacting anyone by phone yet I know myself and I’m getting progressively closer to taking action on it, my mother is angry at me but for now in the next room celebrating the new year with my siblings while I am crying alone knowing that the whole world over people are celebrating the promise of the new year together. I just wish I had one person, a friend that I could exchange “Happy New Years!” with and then maybe I wouldn’t find it so hard to believe it won’t be as painful as the last.
The only occasions I’ve brought myself to reach out its been met with absolute rage by the person I’ve told. I’ve got Aspergers so maybe my confusion is down to some emotional illiteracy connected with that but to me in those moments I’m trying to reach out because its what you’re supposed to do, it’s written on posters, they tell you it at the hospital, it’s everywhere, as painful and difficult as it is to do, so are the multiple people I’ve confided in coincidentally all exceptions to this rule or am I missing something?
The latest example of this is my mother who I’ve moved in with temporarily due to complex circumstances. after spending time in foster care and then moving to a different uk country for a few years she still took me in when she found out about me being abused and has gone to great efforts to help me. Based on this, in a moment of weakness and desperation I thought it would be okay to confide to her I was having suicidal thoughts one night (31/10/20) but I have never seen her angrier. I’ve been trying really hard since then not to slip up but I don’t have a phone because social media was affecting my mental health to such an extent, so when I’m feeling like I do now where I might have called the Samaritans I have to ask my mum to use the house phone. I don’t have any friends or extended family or anyone outside of these 4 walls that I speak to so my mum knows the only number I have to call is the Samaritans and therefore refuses to let me use the phone.
I really want someone to talk me off of this ledge before I do something I‘ll regret because my mood swings so quickly and with such intensity it’s a high possibility, the main thing holding me back is the thought of my last suicide attempt when I was in an abusive relationship before moving home. If I were to be unsuccessful again I would have to answer to my mum, the same way as last time I came to in a hospital bed after a day or so just to be sent home with the man who had driven me to that point, unable to say any different because he was right there the entire time.
This is how I’ve arrived here tonight, I‘m suicidal, I have no means of contacting anyone by phone yet I know myself and I’m getting progressively closer to taking action on it, my mother is angry at me but for now in the next room celebrating the new year with my siblings while I am crying alone knowing that the whole world over people are celebrating the promise of the new year together. I just wish I had one person, a friend that I could exchange “Happy New Years!” with and then maybe I wouldn’t find it so hard to believe it won’t be as painful as the last.