Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Carver, Jun 17, 2007.

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  1. Carver

    Carver Member

    Hi. <personal information removed at members request> I really dont know what to do anymore. I cant take it. My mind is always awake with thoughts of everything that is wrong and i keep seeing images of knifes pop into my head and that its the only escape, the only way to get away from everything.

    My relationship with my folks doesnt exisit. They are both middle to upperclass snobs high up in their social worker careers. I was an accident. So i was born into a house full of hate for me. The first bits of abuse i can remember was when my father would drive needles into my thumbs to draw out blood. I dont know why he did that and he would say it was for my own good. I would cry alot. I was young but i dont know hold old. Play group age. My next memory spawns from when my father started spanking me and making me do things that were pointless. I remember as soon as i got home from school he would make me stand in the corner. Day after day he would make me do this. He would then scream at me right in my ear at the top of his voice about how bad I was and how much he hated me. If i went to move he would push my head into the corner untill i got bruses.

    As i grew up into an age where school becomes something I was the runt of the class. No one wanted to know me. I was the strange geeky kid who always got picked on and bullied. My grades were allways highest and i was a smart kid. Time was spent at school on my own being the loner and then going home to be screamed at. My mother would always be elsewhere when my father was screaming. He would scream at me that i was worthless, stupid. That i was a failiure and that i would never be anything. He would smack me alot and never give a reason. It was the norm. I was about 10. Mum would have her moments when they had been screaming where she would slap me several times. She would drag me by my hair or my ears or clothes that would break and throw me outside or lock me down the shed at 11 o'clock at night. She would leave me down there for hours in the pitch black of night - im really scared of the dark.

    Around age 12. Once i had started going to secondary school, dad had an affair with someone he met at a swimming pool. Mum and dads arguments got worse and the anger was vented onto me. My fathers smacks got harder and more violent. My monther got more violent and picky. Anything would set them off from accidently leaving the toilet seat up to who was going to do the ironing. It would always come down to me being locked outside with broken clothes in the cold listening to my pearents storm about the house breaking things screaming at each other. My father stopped addressing me by <name removed> and started calling me Stupid. This went on for a year. Since i was 10 my father had called me worthless and stupid and it was really starting to depress me.

    My teachers at school were starting to notice the drop in my school work. My grades started to drop and I was starting to find it really hard to follow what was going on in the class room. My tutor took me to one side and started counciling me in confidential sessions. Unfortunatly she then blabbed to all the other teachers about our sessions and their content which then became common knowlege all around the school. From there things nosedived down hill. Dad and mum had sorted out their problems and their attention turned from being angry at each other to anger towards me. My GCSE's were approaching and the pressure from my pearents grew. I was getting home and being told daily that i was going to fail. That there wasnt any point in me even turning up my exams. One day that stays in my mind all the time is the day my dad tried to kill me. He had worked himself up so much that he grabbed me by my neck and squeezed as hard as he could shaking my head. Mum stood there laughing. I punched him and he punched me back and then I ran. I ran away from home and kept going. I got 16 miles before being picked up and taken back. Later on in the week he tried again but that time mum made him let go.

    I was 15 and i was downstairs one evening where i over heard my folks talking in the bath that what ever the outcome from my GCSE results i was out at 16. Depression started to get deeper and i started looking at porn on the internet as a release. My GSCE's passed and I did average. Better than i though i was going to do. My folks said i wasnt going to college. I had to go get a job. I was locked in at home with no means of escape. My bedroom was my prison. Internet porn was my only escape and i was unable to get anywhere. Depression took over. Mum and then dad would come home and scream and beat me amd screaming that i must get a job. They started trashing my room. Every day they would come home and dump every last bit of my room into a big heap in the middle of the floor. Bed would get up turned. Posessions broken. Dad took a block of wood to my bedroom and left dents in everything. This went on for 6 months. This was the first time i attempted suiside.

    At this point in my life i was nothing. I had ambitions i wasnt aloud to follow. Id never had a proper friend. A girl had never even looked at me. My life was just screaming and internet porn. To make matters worse my brother was going into passing his GCSE's with A* 's. No body was there for me. Everyone hated me. I vegitated into nothingness and eventually got cought by my mother sitting in my bedroom with a knife. I was beaten black and blue for weeks after that. Mum dragged me down to an MoD recrutment centre and tried to pawn me off into the army. Luckly my gran stepped in and found me a job as a teaboy in the Navy as a civilian.

    The Navy used and abused me untill i was forced to quit by my CO. My pearents were livid that i had been kicked out. They finaly let me go to college. Again I was the loner and it was very hard trying to concentrate on the 6 a levels they had made me take while all around me people were having relationships, having friendships and enjoying themselves. All I had was my folks who were still screaming and hitting me for not doing good enough or for failing.

    Then a good bit. The only good bit. The one time in my life where i was free. I met a girl. She met me. We fell in love. We moved in together. It was the fairytale rescue i had dreamed of for 18 years. I was a blank CD and she wrote life onto me. I was 18 years old. All the things my folks had never let me do as a child - "the things that only peasent kids do" - like eat candyfloss, icecream, go on a bouncy castle, drink alcohol, have friends, have sex, have a life. She did all those things for me. She took me away and huggled me and saved me and for 3 years i built a life. It was the best 3 years of my life. We got engaged on a beach in Italy. 6 weeks later she left me. Bang gone. I had to move back in after 3 years with my pearents. They had dissowned me. It was that or live on the streets. At the same time i had to leave my job because my boss hit me. Life crumbled.

    Christmas 06 passed and the depression set in once again. The screaming started again although they knew they know they cant hit me anymore. I had a car crash. My car was my only escape to this prison. I am in debt to the bank by -700 as they always seem to find something to fine me about. They have had over 1000 off me. I cant escape.

    its 10pm - my bed time the screaming has started. I have to go before the electricty gets cut off to my room...i want to die..and im scared i will take my family with

    <name removed>

    edit: sorry for the life story. I know i should get overmyself, grow up and stop being stupid.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 28, 2007
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to SF Carver. Sounds like you have had a lifetime of mistreatment behind you. I hope you are able to move beyond that and get to a place you can be free from abusive situations. Thank you for taking the time to share about your self with us. As you move around the forum, I know you will meet many people willing to giveyou support. Take care and stay safe. :hug:
  3. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

  4. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    Hey, welcome to SF <name removed>, I'm sorry to hear about what you have to go through. :hug: Feel free to send me a PM if you ever need to talk.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 28, 2007
  5. Carver

    Carver Member

    lo folks,
    Thanks for the warm welcome *hugs*
    That day was a dark day. Today is a not so dark day. Today i get to be happy and embrace life for what i have yet to make of it...
    Its nice to know there is support for the darker days.
    thank you sooo much *snugs*
    <name removed>
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 28, 2007
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