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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Allara, Jul 6, 2007.

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  1. Allara

    Allara New Member

    Help. That's what I need-- as simple as that-- why does help always come with strings attached? Two payments of $15.99. I'm nineteen, my 45 year old mother is suicidal. That's rare for me to admit to. My friends know that she has "problems" and they sometimes dare to ask why she spends so much time "in bed" but they don't know the truth. I don't want to weight them down. I don't want to be a drama queen. I want to find someone who understands!
    My father and I have been dealing with her rock-bottom depression for over five years now. She was diagnosed as Bipolar. We're a middle class family that feels like we're dirt poor most the time- we call it "Jones luck" because it seems life is always screwing us over. Even when I was a little girl she told me, "Change your name as soon as you can, you don't want to grow up a Jones."
    I always hear people say, "All she needs is a good support system." My mother has no support system. She hates God-- so why would she go to a church group? She doesn't want to hear other peoples' problems-- she has enough of her own! She has no friends. Her family refers to her as "crazy". She has nobody but my father and I.
    It's stressful. One minute she will want to run around town and test drive Mini Coopers and go shopping, then we'll get home and she will find something bad -- something wrong with life -- and go to bed. She'll wake up and stomp around the kitchen or living room and tell us, "I'm getting everything in order for you guys for when I'm gone." She writes letters, she calls relatives, she makes plans, she tells us about them, she does everything... except she hasn't gone through with it. No suicide attempts. She always says, "I wouldn't do it in the house. I wouldn't do that to you guys. I'll do it this weekend." It scares us to death-- we never want to leave her alone even on good days. We think, "Maybe today she will think about it and just go through with it."
    I think I've handled it pretty well most of the time. I tell myself, "She is just having a bad day." But then I think one of these 'bad days' is going to be too many. I went to a school counselor and he didn't know what he was talking about, he didn't understand. He kept saying, "Do you ever have thoughts of hurting yourself?" WAKE UP! I'm talking about my mom. I want to save my mom! That's what my mom always says too, "I'm fucking you up. I'm ruining your life. You'll be happy once I'm gone. You might be sad for a little bit but it will go away." I say, "No mama, it wouldn't. It would fuck me up if you killed yourself. Life isn't that bad."
    My poor dad is diabetic and he struggles with depression and now post traumatic shock disorder from his days working as a correctional officer at a maximum security prison. At night he will have nightmares and I will hear him screaming from their room-- he is hard to wake up during those nightmares. He's so tired, sooo tired, and he has blood sugar lows almost every night now. I wake up with him and make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and wait with him until he feels better. He's 49. I'm going to college this year and I'm supposed to live in the dorms on campus but I'm not sure I want to leave them. I don't know if my dad is a strong enough anchor. I'm afraid of what I would come home to.
    So Mr. Counselor, sometimes I do think of hurting myself. I think it'll wake her up. I think, "Maybe if I did something stupid like take a few too many pills-- they would take me to the hospital and I could say, "See mama, I'm not okay." I write in my diary a lot. I cry sometimes. I just have no fucking idea what to do. My mom has a therapist but he's just some pill-pushing idiot. He doesn't listen to her, he just gives her more drugs because he thinks that will cure her. Counselors at the school say, "Just tell her how much you love her." That works? That's it? No way because, you see, I'VE BEEN DOING THAT THE PAST FIVE YEARS! My dad says, "There is nothing we can do about it. We just have to wait. Maybe she will, maybe she won't."
    That's it? That's all the help that I can get?

    .. sometimes I feel guilty because I will think to myself, "Go ahead and kill yourself already. At least than it would be over! At least then I could say, "My mom committed suicide." And then I cry and cry and cry and pray and wish and hope that doesn't come true. I

    Somebody. Just anybody. I don't know... help?
    In case I don't check back here, email me at allara_gallagher@yahoo.com
  2. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Hi Allara. It's very sad what you and your family are going through. Have you spoken to your relatives...like your mothers or fathers side of the family about this? maybe they can offer more support?

    I can understand why your cautious about going to college dorms. If you feel that you should go to college from home then go for it.
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