Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Jenny:[, Oct 11, 2007.

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  1. Jenny:[

    Jenny:[ Active Member

    i've posted here a few times before.
    my name is jenny, i'm a 19 y/o college student.
    i got out of a year + relationship with a 23 y/o firefighter in june.
    i'm gonna try to be quick and simple..
    everything, everything i do/see reminds me of him, STILL.
    i know that i'm still in love with him.
    i've hooked up with other people since, and i know he has, too.
    we talk/text each other just as much as when we were going out.
    his family hates me now because they don't know the real him, he used to beat the shit out of me and tell me to go drown myself, blah,blah..
    we broke up because he said, "when we get into fights you always talk about other things and it pisses me off and you keep bitching."
    well, i wouldn't bitch, but he always cut me off and said stupid shit about how he didn't need me, but we would always be fine later that night..
    once we started going out, i never saw any of my friends, and as a result, i have VERY FEW now.
    he goes out drinking all the time with his friends..
    we still see movies, chill, eat... but always have sex after.. which i know is my decision too, but i'm not gonna say no to him...
    i still love him, and i always will. nothing will ever change that, not even him; it's something that is uncontrollable.
    the night after he broke up with me, i had a little flirtation with about 80 tylenol pms and duct tape over my mouth, which... obviously didn't work.
    i woke up about 3 hours later, puking.. dragged myself to the bathroom, puked, drank water, ate bread, puked, and repeated that for about 5 times.
    i don't know how my parents didn't find out..
    i still have everything he gave me..
    our families think that we no longer talk to each other.
    he won't talk about anything, and i'm just... back and forth with emotions, not knowing what to do, slowly, but surely dying.
    i'd like to just do 90 into a brickwall, but then i'd never know what could have been..
    i honestly don't know what do anymore.
    nothing i do helps any situation.
    any advice would be greatly appreciated.
  2. jryan3434

    jryan3434 Active Member

    If you both still keep talking to each other every day and seeing each other it sounds like you both still have feelings. Why did you break up in the first place?

    Regardless, your current situation sounds bad for the both of you. Break it off for real- no talking, no hanging out. If he does still want to be with you he will realize it and eventually tell you so. If not, then it is over and it will not drag out and be any more painful than it has to be. I know that breaking things off will be hard to do, but just because the answer is simple doesn't mean it is easy. If you do want him back, I would suggest not having sex with anyone else for a while after ending it. If you do, he may stay away out of jealosy and pride even if he does care.

    On a final note, be kind. It may be that you two are not right for each other, even though you are both in love. In spite of what most of us think when we are 19, being in love does not always mean being compatible. The feeling of being "in love" is a biological mechanism that waxes and wanes with time. For a relationship to last, a lot more is required than feelings. No two people who spend their lives together feel "in love" all the time.
    Being older he may intellectually recognize that the relationship is headed nowhere, but could be too emotionally involved to break it off for good. He may not have broken up with you due to a lack of caring but for what he saw as insurmountable practical differences (age, you going off to school, belief systems, ect.), and yet can't stay away. I doubt he is still seeing you because he just wants sex. Guys don't get in fights or get emotional with booty calls.

    Also, are you saying that he used to beat you physically? Obviously if he really is physically abusive then you shouldn't talk to him anymore and it is definitely over. If he didn't, then don't suggest he did. I once had a girlfriend that told me her ex used to beat her and as such I kicked the shit out of him, and more than that, she totally destroyed his reputation by telling this story to everyone in town. I later found out that she lied about the whole thing. Don't do that to people.
  3. Jenny:[

    Jenny:[ Active Member

    :sad: but i'm not ready to let go of him.
    he doesn't know that i've been with anyone else, but i only did it because he went out with some chic.
    he is older, but he doesn't act it.
    he'd always interrupt me with something stupid that was on tv while i was doing hw, he'd say extremely childish things, and yes, he was physical with me, i wouldn't say abusive because he wasn't always like that, but he got too free with his hands and squeezed my arm so hard that i had his handprint on it, as well as throwing me against my bedroom walls and breaking my cell phone and a few other things.
    i found out after we broke up that he has PTSD from his childhood/iraq that he never told me about...
    but still, he had no right to do that.
    i still love him, and i don't want to give up. it's something that i can't do, but i need to find a way to get through to him.:sad:

  4. jryan3434

    jryan3434 Active Member

    Im sending you a private message
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