Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sui caedere, Oct 14, 2007.

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  1. sui caedere

    sui caedere Well-Known Member

    i feel this is my last place to go for help.

    i been on the phone to the help lines and it is not working.

    my wife of 5 years has left me for a woman she has been seeing for 4 months and i do not know what to do

    i have not slept or eaten since thursday i feel so week and worthless

    she told me how happy this person makes her feel and what she gets upto in the bedroom when i close my eyes i see then it just makes me sick.

    i find myself getting back to oldways i have tryed to kill myself be for i meet my wife 10 years ago and im going back to the old thing again i have writen two letters one to my wife and one to my family im even playing the song i had the last time i felt like this.

    the only reson im here is if i kill myself it will hurt her but the more day after day im finding out new things by thinking putting all the things in place what she done and told me how she told me she loves me when haing sex with her im starting worry that i may not care about hurting her and doing it.

    but i feel it be the only way of stoping the pain im feeling

    pls help if you can

  2. sui caedere

    sui caedere Well-Known Member

    my last 7 days
    saturday of last week i find out my wife is seeing a woman and sleeping with her i tell her i forgive her i dont want to lose her she told me she wants to stay with my

    last thersday i go out for i few hours come home to find she and all her stuff have gone

    saturday last night my sister is in a road smash some guy speed over 80mph driving a volvo hit the jeep she was in the police tell us if it was not a 4x4 but a normal car she be killed

    today sunday just got back from the vets with my cat that i have had for 13 years to find out she my be dying.

    so i have lost my wife almost my sister and close to loseing my best friend my cat.
  3. newname4me

    newname4me Member

    sounds like your in a bad spot to say the least...
    try eating something even if its a hot pocket (i hate them) get an hours rest and think about what your actions will do to those around you.... am still here only because i know my dad, cousin and freind will kill them selfs after me... i wish i was really alone, knew no one and had no1 look at me, but we have to play the hand given sometimes, and right now i have the worst hand i can think of and i bet you do to. sorry to hear that your wife left you, and your sister almost died, as well as your cat...i not gonna sugar coat it, it sucks but give it some time and thought before you do anything
  4. sui caedere

    sui caedere Well-Known Member

    thanks newname4me

    i do not feel in contol anymore i have switched into the old me been out and got the blades i used last time and now playing the them from mash suicide is painless which i played last time i have it set so it keeps playing over and over.

    im just so fucked up i do not want to feel like this but i want the pain to go more.

    i hope my wife sees this so she know how much im hurting i have the letters ready i have text message ready that im going to send her.

    i want her to come and watch me do it.
  5. newname4me

    newname4me Member

    i feel simliar in a way... i feel like shit but the more i feel like shit the more i want to feel it, i like the way my heart beats when i think of ways to end it...if that makes any sense. I feel like i dont live for myself but for others and what they think of me. anyway hang in there
  6. sui caedere

    sui caedere Well-Known Member

    I have not used a blade to cut myself with for over 11 years.

    the best thing i enjoy about it i can feel the pain flowing away.

    last time i done it the police turned up i was out cold if the police had turned up a few mins later it be all over so for the last ten years i was thankfull for that but now i wishs i did go all the pain i felt then is nothing to what i feel now.

    but i know it well happen tonight at the same time but not the same place.

    so till then im here.
  7. amadeus

    amadeus New Member


    I'm sorry to hear of your situation. I work in the line of suicide prevention and your story rings alot of bells in my ear. I work for an emergency response towards situations revolving around suicide, mainly when they are in progress. I cant say where or what i do for confidential reasons.

    Many of the people that I (as part of a team) have prevented from taking thir own life have said it is the best thing that could have happened to them, just when they were on the edge someone was there to help them, not to lecture them about what they have done, nor to lock them up in a secure ward... i believe that these are no the correct methods of treating it.

    Although your situation does seem to be bad I can see one positive thing that you have wrote and its something you should be very proud off! Your sister must have been very lucky to survive that car crash and im sure she is very grateful for being in a 4x4 as you say. Now things don't always work out for people and thats just they way life is! we all have our ups and downs but we often manage to pull ourselves back up!

    you have said that you have attempted to take your life before... you must have a very strong mind and willpower to have come through so much and im sure if you look around you and just try to pull yourself through this difficult time..... try to be there for your sister... im sure she could do with having family with her!

    keep hope alive buddy!

    feel free to contact me if you would like a chat.:cool:
  8. sui caedere

    sui caedere Well-Known Member

    thats it i can not take the pain no more iv just driven past my wifes mum and dads iv seen her car outside so i know she has not moved in with the bitch that has stolen my wife from me.

    but i know that she is seeing her this is the text my wife sent to me which was ment for that bitch.

    Morning beatiful.
    just gonna have some breakfast and have a shower.
    then i b on my way to u.
    your baby

    to me it is using the word baby as i can not have kids with out help from ivf and she new it was some thing i wanted so bad and she knew i wanted kids with her and i just worked this out when she went for a ivf appointment she was having sex with this bitch.

    that is what makes me hurt so much it now outways the pain for my family
    i have been up now for over 91 hours with no sleep each time a close my eyes i can only see them laughing at me.

    i can not eat as it makes me throw up can not sleep as what i see hurts to much

    so yvette if you ever see this all i can say is thanks.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 14, 2007
  9. kannier

    kannier New Member

    I hope you will read this. I have been where you have been and I am on the other side now. You will be too soon. You are mourning a break up. You have to mourn that get past it.

    I know that someone telling you it will all be ok never helps. But I do know that if you do one thing at a time you will feel better. First of all you have to sleep. A night's sleep can change prospective on anything. Try to rest, my friend. I promise you that things will go up and down. Life is funny like that. But please Take One Step At A Time. Thats vital.

    Your sister needs you.

    You said that you wanted children. You will have them one day. They need you.

    Please, just rest, eat something small. Take one bite and then the next. And things will become easier. Maybe you should turn off your cell phone so you don't get text messages... put some walls up to guard your heart until it will heal.
  10. sui caedere

    sui caedere Well-Known Member

    well this time it is not as easy to do thenit was last time.

    the only reson i can think of is i still love her want her and need her I WANT MY WIFE BACK.

    but deep down i know it is over she never come back god im hurting so bad iv not had any sleep know for 4 days 96 hours.

    and it is not getting any better in fact it is getting harder soon i have to tell friends about this.

    how do you tell some one that your wife has left you for a woman for fuck sake.

    im so close to ending my life just to get rid of the pain i have now it is untrue but something just will not let me i hvae put the blade to my wrist but i just can not cut.

    i went to jump got over the rall held on lent forewad but i did not let go.

    right now i feel i do not want to live but something will not let me die.

    how can this be i feel so weak not being able to do it.
  11. sui caedere

    sui caedere Well-Known Member

    at midday i meet my wife she is not sure what she wants but is sure that we are finished she told me she loves me as a friend and that is it.

    i told her that she still more then that to me.

    she is not going to move in with that bitch this year if ever and we meet again at chritmas to talk about it but she is 99% sure that me and her are finished
    but she is still going to see her makes me feel like shit still.

    so im sort of happy i did nothing last night it was good to see her again and hug her as we both still have love for each other.

    but i told her if she moves in with that bitch i do not want to see her.

    so that is were i am at this time better then before but still shit

  12. sui caedere

    sui caedere Well-Known Member

    tuesday 16th

    last night and today are not going good iv not eating since last tursday and had almost no sleep just a hour here and ther.

    my wife has gone to spain today with that bitch she be out having fun with her then back to bed for fun and games.

    and me i be at work or sitting at the computer i just can not tell how bad the pain im feeling is.

    i do not want to sleeep due to the things i see and i do not want to be awake due to the things i think off.

    if i goto the doctors he have me in hospital then i lose my home and job.
    if i dont go to the doctors i lose my home and job and even end up killing myself which at times i want to do.

    all i want is for this to go away but most of all i want my wife back i forgive her for whats gone on and in a way it is my fult my wife has ocd and part of that is she needs to be loved and mad to feel loved.

    i love her more then anything but i did not know how to show it and this bitch has showen her what she wants so now has her.

    i know i have lost her for ever and never be albe to hold her or kiss her again or feel her warm body next to mine.

    when im awake i think of that bitch kissing my wife playing with my wife going down on my wife then she come home but then i do it not knowing that someone has been doing the same things a few days before.

    how do you cope with that

    im told it get better but it has not it gets harder and harder im told forget it you find someone new but if i did the new person will allways come second in my hart for my wife.

    i can not hate my wife for this and i forgive her for it and i still love her and need her and want her back.

    but i know she never come back.

    the only light at the end of this tunnal are the lights of a oncoming train
  13. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    its not weak to not go thru with it, there are lots of us here who want to do it but we all find something to wake up for tomorrow.
    who knows what tomorrow will bring, maybe it will bring strength to see another day.
    hold on shane, be strong for today and take it one day at a time.
  14. sui caedere

    sui caedere Well-Known Member

    Well my friends im sorry thanks for trying to help me but i can not take not sleeping any more with out the dreams im dreaming.

    so now it's time to sleep with no dreams ever again.

    the room is empty all that is left is to turn off the light.

    any one who knows me and sees this im sorry.
    yvette if you see it dont think bad of me i allways have and allways will love you.

    to my friends and family pls do not hate my yvette for this it is what i had to do dont do anything to hurt her she is my wife and i love her.

  15. Nessarose

    Nessarose Well-Known Member

    Hold on. Please stay safe. Do you want to talk?
  16. pannic

    pannic Member

    I hope your ok mate and feel e litthe less wound up today!
  17. sui caedere

    sui caedere Well-Known Member

    well foks as you can tell im not dead i went to work playing to cut my wrists after at the place i first meet my wife but some thing went wrong.
    as far as i can tell i just lost it had some sort of brakedown my friends somehow got hold of the suicide letters i had and that was it my family were all over the place the police were trying to find me as well as a ambelance.

    i have now seen the doctor eho told me that to much coffee no sleep stress and shock made me loss it so im going to let my wife go it hurt but not as much as it will trying to get her back my ex who im in contact with is being a big help as are my family in fact my sisters partner has helped me no end and helped me open my eyes a lot.

    so for me now is to get on and sort my life out i know i find someone new and have kids with as if i dont i regrate that most of all.

    i know i have good days and bad ones but i all so know that my friends from work are with me my family are with me and my ex is with me with all that help i at lest have to try for myself.

    and who knows i may end up with something good as for my wife she may end up with nothing that be a shame she has made her bed and now she has to lay in it.
  18. sui caedere

    sui caedere Well-Known Member

    Thussday 25 oct

    Well just when things start to look up along comes a big fall.
    so im back to being low again and it just seems to be getting wose wednesday moring 03.10 droping some staff home when the police pulled me over a had some stuff in the car that i forgot i had due to all this shit going on nothing major but it was braking a court order so i got nicked what i did not know was my wife/ex wife told the police that i was a suicide risk and so sis my probation officer so i spend 30 hours in a police cell with the door open and a police officer sitting outside and with the new non smoking laws in place ment no smoking.

    so 12.30 today im in court getting baill to go back to court in 3 weeks time not what i need right now im trying to keep my job and my home and now this happens.

    ok i now i broke the law and need to be punished but this time i was cleaning out my car which only happens twice a year saw this item im not ment to have put it aside to throw away next thing i pick up is a bill from something i got for my wife i broke down crying went inside and forgot about it later that day went to do the night shift still forgeting the stuff in the car till i had to take the staff home so to make room on the back seat i pushed all the things under the seat so i get pulled over as the police see me and notice the car as being driven by some one who is reported as wanting to commet suicide
    so the police check my over then the car then thats it im fucked.

    so i get bail i have to stay at my own home which means im now alone wheach means that if i feel low i can not even go and stay with family for the night if i told the court i dont feel i can stay at home by myself from time to time i now be locked up.

    so down i keep falling never seem to be hitting the bottom which is wose as i dont know how to start getting back on my feet again.

    all i know today is im happy and thankfull that two of my sisters turned up at court today but im all so upsert the my two sisters had to hear about the things i have down in the past.

    so i know i feel that im being held up so i can be kicked down again.

    this may not make much sence to many off you but this helps my get things and in the open.

    and as for my wife well she is still going out with her girlfriend having fun and im here alone.

    i feel like something that has gone out of date and just thrown away as rubbish

    her girlfriend is happy she has my wife my wife is happy she has her girlfriend and what to i have time to think to much time about what she is upto and maybe to much time to think why go on.

    with my past with the police i find it hard to get a new partner as well as job i need time off but can not take it as i have no money to pay the bills

    it just seems im going round and round and round
    and it is never ending

  19. Nessarose

    Nessarose Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you're still here, Shane. I was worried. I'm sorry to hear that your life is so hectic right now, but you can get through it. Stay positive. As you said, it's your wife's loss, and there are many wonderful women out there who would love and never leave you.
  20. sui caedere

    sui caedere Well-Known Member

    ok so time to cut the bull and open up.

    when i meet my wife ten years ago i was just got my own flat after spending a few years in a hostel for suicide and shit like that.

    5 yeasrs later she then became my wife but day ever but then things started going wrong the thing is i ran away from home i was about 19 and did not tell any one the only reson i moved back to london is that my younger brother got killed he was hit by a car.
    two things still eat me now are he got killed not knowing what had happend to me and i feel gulty about being happy on my wedding day.
    if he had not been killed i never will had come back to london and never have meet my wife.

    so i started drinking and i mean drinking as well as abusing drugs things went from bad to wose and i ended outside a bedroom window where a couple were having sex so i get down for being a peeping tom and placed on the sex offenders regesrter for 5 years i can not get over the shame of it and now all this happens how can i get a good job with this and how can i find a new partner so as you can see im just so fucked up i do not now what to do or say what i do know is a lot of pepole are or have been hurt due to the fact that i can not tel pepole what im feeling so i just bottle things up then things go wrong and i mean wrong.

    so i can not see any thing for me now at all no hope and all i want in life or 3 things 1 a good job 2 a good wife and 3 happy kids i so much want to be a dad it hurts but i can not even do that with out ivf

    so what do i do next

    but still the wost part is i still love my wife id kill for her lie for her even die for her

    i now i have done some bad things but i never ment to hurt anybody it just seems i can not help it my head is so full of shit i can not work it out and from time to time i just go bang and hurt people with out meaning too.

    all people see of me now is the bad things never the good i once jumped in to a over turned van that was on fire to pull the driver out.
    maneged to keep a 18 month old baby brithing to the ambelance got to him and a few other things but nobody remembers the good things i have done in the past only the bad.

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