Hi, Swift,
It sounds like you are in deep despair and feel helpless and hopeless. The anguish you are feeling is temporary - though it seems it lasts forever. Instead of giving in to the what your mind is saying - that you want to die - can you try to make it be quiet for awhile and just be still? I know that you have an incredibly creative mind - you write beautifully. I don't know what to say to help you. I also feel very desperate at times. But I do know that it will get better. Perhaps in the facility you will meet someone who will be kind and responsive. Can you tell me about the facility? I know that some of those places can be awful with uncaring staff and stupid rules - group every day (now everyone let's talk about why we are here.... and you think - Jesus, you do not get it, lady) and therapists who don't know what they are doing and have no compassion for the people there. But, sometimes there are good caring people there who can help. Listen, I've got to go vote - it's an hour drive, but I will check back when I get home. Take care of yourself and remember that you are loved and your life has real value. You may be so deep in pain - I see from old posts that you have suffered a long time, but you are loved.
marie