I don't want to get better. I don't want to talk to my therapist about this and I don't want to talk to anyone who doesn't understand. None of my friends would believe me or respect me if I expressed my suicidal desires. Many of them joke about suicide and don't even know that I have a repertoire of plans for it at the forefront of my mind. They don't know, and when I start to talk about it they wince or laugh. My friends and I are all so successful, and that's just the problem. I'm a leader in so many areas with so many responsibilities and I don't want to let everyone down by quitting or admitting that I have a problem. :zipped: I feel especially betrayed by my therapist because they keep pushing drugs because they are "worried" about me. I feel obligated to live for my spouse, parents, and siblings. I feel obligated to to well in school (which I suddenly stopped doing this semester). Perhaps it's about time I do something that won't make anybody proud! I'm sick and tired of working for the high gpa, the proud family, and the proud self. I just want to end it. All I want for myself is peace. I don't know where to get the means to do it! I've searched. I wish there were a "How to kill yourself quickly and painlessly" guide available. Isn't there some suicide pill that astronauts get? I need one of those asap. I would appreciate any advice or criticism. lease: I am very lonely right now because of these crazy feelings that my therapist keeps calling a "chemical imbalance." How invalidating is that?! Reducing these big and very real emotions to a "chemical imbalance" is not therapy, it is medicalization of the human spirit and is wicked in my opinion. I need understanding, I need hope, I need an escape, not to remember any of this or think about anything ever again. Sorry for the length, but this is the only place where I feel like people understand me (suicide).