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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by perfectempire, Nov 15, 2008.

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  1. perfectempire

    perfectempire Active Member

    I don't want to get better. I don't want to talk to my therapist about this and I don't want to talk to anyone who doesn't understand. None of my friends would believe me or respect me if I expressed my suicidal desires. Many of them joke about suicide and don't even know that I have a repertoire of plans for it at the forefront of my mind. They don't know, and when I start to talk about it they wince or laugh. My friends and I are all so successful, and that's just the problem. I'm a leader in so many areas with so many responsibilities and I don't want to let everyone down by quitting or admitting that I have a problem. :zipped:

    I feel especially betrayed by my therapist because they keep pushing drugs because they are "worried" about me.

    I feel obligated to live for my spouse, parents, and siblings. I feel obligated to to well in school (which I suddenly stopped doing this semester).

    Perhaps it's about time I do something that won't make anybody proud! I'm sick and tired of working for the high gpa, the proud family, and the proud self. I just want to end it. All I want for myself is peace. I don't know where to get the means to do it! I've searched. I wish there were a "How to kill yourself quickly and painlessly" guide available. Isn't there some suicide pill that astronauts get? I need one of those asap.

    I would appreciate any advice or criticism. :please: I am very lonely right now because of these crazy feelings that my therapist keeps calling a "chemical imbalance." How invalidating is that?! Reducing these big and very real emotions to a "chemical imbalance" is not therapy, it is medicalization of the human spirit and is wicked in my opinion. I need understanding, I need hope, I need an escape, not to remember any of this or think about anything ever again.

    Sorry for the length, but this is the only place where I feel like people understand me (suicide).
  2. wastedmylife

    wastedmylife Well-Known Member

    you sound like me in a way, thought I dont really care about family, grades or anything, I just wanted to find peace, something that is hard/impossible to find in this world, especially hard for me to find now but that is a different story

    I would leave your therapist, he sounds like an old therapist I saw who wanted to control me by labeling things, you will probably get worse if you see that guy, I wish I left this therapist before it was to late for me, I was to scared to hurt his feelings

    And yea, I agree on the chemical imbalance crap, that is just the drug companies and doctors label for trying to control you because they dont know any better and it is very profitable

    I dont know what to tell you, everyone is alone in this world and you just have to find the peace however you can, I dont think people really care about anyone else
  3. Rosenrot

    Rosenrot Forum Buddy

    What you need is a new therapist that can understand your feelings and offer real advice. Your current therapist sounds clueless and they are not licensed to practice with medicene in the first place.

    A good therapist you should be able to talk to about such problems and get possible solutions and feel better.

    I hope you'll be able to get the help you need.

    As a side note, we're a pro-life forum, and members aren't going to offer advice on how to kill yourself.
  4. perfectempire

    perfectempire Active Member

    Oops, I didn't mean to make it sound like I was asking for that kind of help! :laugh:
  5. I fully understand about being "medicalized" :sad:
    You sound like you've come through a fair bit already even if others weren't aware. And that you're examining your 'prescribed roles'. To be diminished by having psychic and spiritual issues reduced to "mere chemical imbalance" is demeaning. Likely those dispensing this "diagnosis" have never set foot in either realm. There is no quick fix - and I have never thought of Depression as being any less than involves our entire being. Please, yes, seek other counseling!

    And keep writing!

  6. Oak

    Oak Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I find it amazine wearing masks of all sort to keep up with family and friends.
    Have you tied to drop it off and let them see who you really are at this point in llife? This goes for friends and family as well as a good therapist.

    A therapist or good GP or specialists is not found around the corner. Its like trying to find a pair of shoes that fits you well. Same goes for therapists and specialists. Keep lookng around till you find one that suits your needs.
    Family do know but pretend everything is alright as they hide their heads i n the sand. Try to appoch them by talking to them or if too difficult, write them a letter and explian how you are feeeling. This is one step ahead in communication and recovery.

    You sound down to eart so the better, you can vent and eplain verbally or writing all that is bothering you. If they get the points clean enough they will provide in helping you all the way. Hun there is no need to be ashame, it needs strenght to admit it and seek professional help in such time.

    I wish you all the best and if you need to talk, you can pm me or anyone in the forum. Hope to meet you in the chat room soon. Till then be well and stay safe.

    granny x
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey perfectempire,
    If you need to, take a hiatis from school for a year and just work on healing yourself. School will always be there. Instead of quiting your job why don't you take a leave of absence for medical reasons..
    By all means seek a knew therapist. There are good ones who care, and there are the others who are only in it for the money. I went thru three before I found Gina. She is great!!I never smile because I was in the Marines and they drill it into you not to show emotion. She gets a smile out of me everynow and then and sits there laughing her ass off at me. Then she will ask me doesn't that feel better than moping around.
    I hope you find the help you need and like I said work on yourself for now...Take Care!!~Joseph~
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