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  1. Right at this point, right now, I am freaking out. Today has been the kind of day to bring me completely to the surface. I hate being here. I'm usually hidden behind any number of things so I don't have to experience this feeling of ... insanity? No, that's not right. I don't know. Its like I'm going to jump out of my skin. I want to scream, but that's impolite, I guess. I don't know.

    Right at this moment my life and existence are completely insignificant and meaningless. Everyone in the world would be better off if I didn't open my eyes tomorrow. And I don't know how to bring myself back down to Earth again. I don't know how to calm down. So I thought I'd ask for suggestions.

    Well, I guess a quick backstory is in order. I moved out of my mother's house when I was 15. Me and my older sister, who is one year older than me but we're practically twins, lived with her boyfriend. I couldn't stand living with my mother anymore. Over the years she has battled many different types of drug addictions, from dangerous street drugs to pill popping.

    Over the years, this has continued to affect my life negatively. She was married to a drug addict when I was nine who would take me to a house where he bought drugs. I never found out if he knew what was happening, or if he "sold" me for drugs, but I was repeatedly molested here. I was never raped, but it scared me all the same. When I was older I was homeless for six months, living in a car with my older sister, having to make the choice between spending our last six dollars on food or gas for the car, just in case we needed to move it if things got scary where we were parked.

    I've had to deal with waking up to the neighborhood kids knocking on my door when I lived in the same apartment complex as her, telling me there's a half naked lady passed out underneath my window. She even went so far as to popping pills without my knowledge, then asking me to go with her to run errands while I was babysitting my two year old cousin. I didn't notice she started slurring until it was too late and she ran a stop sign, causing us to be t-boned by an 18 wheeler. If we had been six inches farther back in the intersection I would have died. My baby cousin would have died if her carseat had been behind my chair in the car.

    And just now, about a week and a half ago, my boyfriend that I was living with broke up with me, causing my twenty two year old self to have to move back in with my mother. And I can't stand it. I can't breathe. Not even twenty minutes ago she pulled this huge stunt. She was fine until her new boyfriend got home and suddenly she was "throwing up blood" and in so much pain that we needed to call the ambulance right now. After I called them and they took her away, the poor guy was so scared he didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to tell him. Yes, she has a hereditary condition that causes tumors to grow in your stomach and intestines. Yes, she plays this card at any moment. Growing up she would take us to the ice cream store just to tell us she was going to die in her forties.

    Worst thing is, I have the same thing. And my whole life she's been telling me I won't live long. That I'll die of this when I'm young, too. What's sick is that I'm terrified of it every minute of every day. And every other one of our family members that has it has lived into their 60's or 70's. Yet I still believe her.




    So... right now I'm kind of freaking out. And I need some suggestions or tips on how to calm down. What do you do when you're in a crisis situation? What do you do to bring yourself back down again? Because, really, I don't know what else to do anymore.
     
  2. cloudy

    cloudy Well-Known Member

    do you have to live with your mom?
     
  3. Its either my mom, or homeless right now. I'm looking for roommates and somewhere else to live, though.
     
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