please. anybody. i just don't know what to do any more. the smallest bits of life seem like too much to bear - just walking across campus seems as if it's my last great journey before a final sleep. but i know deep down that i need to keep going, that 20 year olds need to keep living, only i don't know how. everything seems so helpless; i take medication for one thing and then a whole slew of medications to counteract the side effects of the first. i'm becoming a pharmacy, and i'm losing my memory and my physical strength in the process. i just don't know what i can control anymore, if it's even anything. if there's even anything worth saving. i feel like a drain on the system if i stay; sure my mom is glad to have me around, but surely my pain is the same as hers and the drugs that poison me could save someone else. even now, i'm selfish, selfish, selfish. registering for classes soon. thinking of the future. is this some sick joke? i don't want a future; i want to be gone before i have a chance to fail yet again. please. if someone is out there, i'm calling to you.