Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by LadyLoki, Nov 16, 2010.

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  1. LadyLoki

    LadyLoki New Member

    I dont know what to do anymore.

    All my life I've felt like I'm a burden, and It feels like I hurt everyone around me.

    I have bad confidence issues which have completely been completely shattered recently and I have paranoia and trust issues with some people. Its driving me mad.

    Some people in my life have completely destroyed my trust in them and have betrayed me, which in turn weakens my trust in others and increases my paranoia.

    Ive self harmed numerous times in the past and contemplated suicide so many times. Even at the age of ten Ive felt suicidal (I cant remember why I felt that way back then though).

    Im scared. At times I can be happy, but all it takes is one thing to go wrong and all my past memories and feelings come rushing back and it takes over me and when that happens, I feel so pathetic, useless and stupid. The pain is unbearable and I get the nagging urge to end it all and I cant shake it off.

    I cant talk to anyone. All the people Ive told about my problems and my feelings always tell me to "Cheer up" or "things will get better" which seriously does not help since it just seems like they havent been properly listening and are trying to force me to be happy, or they tell me not to commit suicide or self harm because theyd miss me or if I did, theyd commit suicide as well, which makes me feel guilty and conflicted. I once got called an "attention seeking *****" by my ex (was current boyfriend at the time) when I mentioned I had self harmed, which obviously make me feel very unwilling to open up to others. I also feel unwilling to talk to people about it since when I do, they get upset or depressed, and I feel so so guilty and again clamp up about my problems.

    I just need some advice. How can I get rid of these feelings? Im so conflicted. I dont really want to die, since Ill miss a lot of people and when Im happy, I really enjoy life. But when Im depressed, the feeling of suicide or self harm is so seductive that at times its hard to control.

    I need help. Is there anything I can do to come to terms with these feelings properly and deal with them?
  2. KatyKate

    KatyKate Antiquities Friend

    Hi.....Welcome to the has helped me so much...i hope it does the same for you.

    we are all here and will hopefully help you to find a way to reason this all out and carry on...everyone is great in the chatroom...please don't be shy....join in...or you can PM me anytime.

    Love, hugs and support Kate xxx
  3. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    First thing I'd say is welcome to the forums. I'm sorry that you feel this way, have you consulted your doctor about these feeliings? Are you taking any medication at the moment? Have you considered counselling or therapy?

    You're not attention seeking, at least not in the negative sense. Suicidal thoughts are just a result of pain outweighing the resources for coping with it.

    Remember what you wrote that you do not want to die, you may not want to live either, but not wanting to die is a thought to hold on to and work on. Do any of your close friends or family members know about these feelings? Can you talk to them about it?

    All things to consider, I hope that maybe it springs something for you,

    My PM box is, as ever, always open
  4. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Firstly, you have an illness and that is not your fault. Don't forget that. Whatever's going on it sounds like it began in your childhood. Did you have an abusive childhood? You might not realise that you did but if you were thinking of suicide at the age of 10 then there was something going on.
    I can remember thinking of suicide at an age that young and it was years before I realised that I'd learned that behaviour from my mother. She suffered terribly from depression and was in an abusive marriage but neither of those things were ever acknowledged openly and were never talked about at all. It took me a long time to 'unlearn' those behaviour patterns.
    A lot of what you're saying in the first part of your post may be down to learned behaviour. You've learned to react to things with fear, you've learned to be paranoid, you've learned to feel pathetic, useless and a burden.
    YOU ARE NONE OF THESE THINGS. It may be that someone has taught you to feel this way without you even realising. It may be that you learnt it yourself because you didn't have a better role model to follow.
    You need to go and get some therapy. If you're able to afford it, great, make sure you get a therapist who's worth the money. If you can't afford it, then you'll have to phone a crisis line. You can't talk to people because you're not talking to people who are trained to listen to these sorts of problems. Once you find someone who is trained in this way, it will get easier, I promise you.
    You may also need some form of meds so should consult with your doctor.
    More than anything though, you've got to stop beating yourself up. You have an illness, that isn't your fault. Like any illness, the path to health can be a long slow difficult one and you need to recognise that it won't be easy. You may never be totally well but you can improve. Sending hugs. xxx
  5. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    a lot of people don't understand depression or suicidal feelings. They think it is something that you can just "snap out" of, they don't understand that it's a disease.

    You might have better luck posting here
  6. Oloriel

    Oloriel Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum - I'm pretty new too, so we will be learning together. :hug: I understand where you're coming from - I have self harmed and felt suicidal since I was about 12, and I tried my hardest to hide it for years because I was terrified of being called an attention *****. Now that everything is - unwillingly - out in the open, my family can't offer me any advice other than "try to not be sad." "Sad" doesn't even begin to describe how these feelings feel, and it's hard for a lot of people who don't understand them to understand you. I have also been threatened with being deprived of the few things I enjoy - my mother tried to prevent me from studying abroad if I didn't stop cutting, when the prospect of my trip was the only thing keeping me from suicide. It's just hard for people to fathom how low depression makes you feel. It's not your fault. You can surely find people here who will understand, and be more than happy to help you through it.

    I am also in constant terror - the tiniest things set off my panic and despair. It's okay - I feel like a hypocrite telling you things I don't even believe, but it will get better. And it will help to have people who can talk you through the hard times. That's what we're here for.

    Like others have said, please feel free to PM me at any time if you want to talk, or just vent.
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