Have started to think about methods, first time if im honest with myself. The only thing that is truely giving me any strength is disappearing before my very eyes and there is nothing, and i mean nothing i can do about it. Again i have had almost no sleep, again as i woke up in a ball in the corner of my bed i could smell him. What i would not give to have another person cuddle me and not go away. They always go away, either they just choose to or i push them away myself and in my forties this still keeps on happening. With no family alive and no close friends left i know i will not be missed. My children tear at my heart but they are not enough to keep my heart afloat and have all they need with their mother and plastic dad. All around me is a darkness, i have no future. Christmas looms and i am dreading it, sat alone with only the ache of despair to keep me company. Although so many have shown love on here, many have also triggered me in my own selfish thoughts. Somethings will never leave me, no matter how strong the meds or how good the words are, im tired of just trying to deal with it, tired of looking ahead at the ever diminishing light that only ever seems to cast shadows on my soul. Guilt, despair, lonliness, memories, depression, loss, no money and a heart broken beyond repair, not even the finest love surgeon will ever repair that. My time draws near.