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  1. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    it's bad - i know it's bad but i don't know how to fix it

    crying all the time if i can hide to do it - spent 20 minutes in my car at the station last night screaming until i was hoarse

    trying to save my job, trying to take care of my family but i know i'm fucking it up can feel it all slipping away

    something has finally broken inside - lost all control over my emotions, my ability to cope with people, stress

    all i feel is constant anguish, unrelenting pain - only holding on for other people right now but that's getting harder and harder by the day and worse with christmas coming up

    tired of being shown how insignificant i am, how usless

    praying to god first thing in the morning to let me die again but he keeps ignoring me again like everyone else

    hurts so much i can barely breathe
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You're not insignificant, and not everyone is ignoring you. :hug: What's happening with your job, and your family?
     
  3. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    son out of hospital again for his colitis - fighting with insurance to get approval for IV medication

    fighting with company benefits verification services again to prevent them from dropping all my kids from coverage

    still trying to figure out why i keep getting debilitating headaches - next neuro visit on thursday

    my car won't pass inspection (due tomorrow) and is not worth the thousands of dollars it would take to fix it

    wife is supposed to be the one who pays the bills but still get the phone or the cable cut off then have to catch up - i pay the mortgage and my life insurance out of a separate account

    fighting to keep my manager from having me fired within the next month or so

    can't let my family know

    wouldn't get any support from my wife anyway - all i'd get would be anger

    there are no other jobs out there so i have to keep going in to and fighting to keep a job that i hate, that treats me like a disposable piece of shit and constantly lets me know it

    i hate my job, hate my life, hate myself, what i've become

    i'm nothing, i'm a doormat, i'm an atm, i'm a drone

    i have no identity

    i'm a wreck at my desk

    if anyone comes by and sees me right now, i'm in trouble because they will seriously question my sanity and will more than likely call the doctor
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Maybe that is what you need right now is some help so you can get stable
    You are taking too much on take one task at a time on not the whole thing
    I too had to fight to keep my girl on benefits and i did and i won but it was hard
    i too had to fight to get them to pay for hospital stay but it worked out
    take one thing and fight it not everythig at a time
    Get some help okay don't do it all on your own.
     
  5. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    i don't know what to do for me vi - afraid there's nothing

    meds don't work - docs, therapists, psychs don't work - hospitals, outpatient clinics don't work

    crying doesn't work, screaming doesn't work

    haven't tried drinking yet but if my father and brother are any example that won't work either
     
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I agree with Violet, you're fighting too much on your own. Try to deal with one thing at a time if you can. With everything you're dealing with, it wouldn't surprise me if the headaches are migraines because of stress. Good luck at the neuro though, I hope they find a way to help!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 14, 2010
  7. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    that's the only thing that all the doctors have agreed on - the headaches aren't migraines - they don't behave like them, don't respond to migraine medications and have tried several

    starting to think that the pain is nature's way of telling me it's time to die
     
  8. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    No, I doubt that. It sounds more like Nature's way of telling you that you're taking on more than you can handle.
     
  9. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Time to delegate some of those fights okay Get the wife to do some fighting too It is all too much so each day do one thing okay look at one thing only and accomplish that one thing. then cross it off the list.
    When that one thing is done move to the next important thing
    You don't know what boss is going to do really but get help with that as well talk to work board maybe take some sick time leave if you can.
    I can feel your stress level so please don't look at the whole picture look only at part of it for now.
    You can do this okay one part at a time
     
  10. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    most fighting wife does is with me lately
     
  11. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    im sorry that is happening she needs to stop that and help you more but i know that is easier said then done. Just take one task okay and don't look at anthing else until one task is done and if she says something tell her you would appreciatie if she took whatever it is she is complaining abt on. as yourhands are full. team work is more effective tell her.
     
  12. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    this is my life

    go to work hoping i remember to put on enough armor to deflect the knives

    go home to be alone with my family if i'm lucky

    only place i can have the privacy to breakdown is in my car which i'm going to do again today in a few hours

    it would be so much simpler if they would just fire me

    at least then my family would think they understood why i died
     
  13. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    :hug:
     
  14. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    This is definetly a case of too much stress for too long.
    Agree with everyone, you need to handle what you can and shelve the rest ....one thing at a time, one day at a time.
    Now to wife, I honestly think you need to go home, sit her down and tell her exactly what you've said here (omitting the bits about her).
    Marriage is supposed to be a partnership not a battle ground, maybe you've been coming home distant and brooding (understandable with all the crap you're trying to deal with) she could be thinking all sorts..affair, fed up with her etc.
    Maybe you two have burned out, who knows, but you won't know until you talk to each other.
    As to the job, I had a job I loathed beyond the telling of, would cry going in, cry coming home and had headaches non stop.
    One day decided to do something about it, get the hospital stuff sorted but in the meantime start putting out feelers for other jobs, so much better to take the bull by the horns and get out before being thrown out.

    oh and see if the doc can't give you some meds to help you cope better. :hug:
     
  15. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    looked for other jobs - been looking for years

    you know where the searches point to? my company

    went home feeling like crap

    fell asleep on my couch around 8:30

    9:00 told my wife i was going to bed and she starts snapping at me - what's wrong with you - you stopped the pristiq too soon - no concern, just irritation

    at least i got to cry myself to sleep in peace

    today is no better

    couldn't even pick up my coffee

    chest hurts from constant crying or fighting not to cry

    dropping everything - gloves, hat, pens, notepad

    dropped my backpack and everything fell out

    on the plus side an almost full bottle of xanax i forgot about was buried at the bottom - on the negative side they look like m & m's right now and i threw them in my desk because i'm afraid to keep them in sight too long

    can't keep my emotions off my face any more - people at work are starting to notice that something is wrong which is freaking me out even more

    just sit here pounding myself in the head because it's quieter than banging my head against the desk

    have no fingernails left - bitten them all down until they bleed

    can barely see this screen through all my tears right now and i have to keep checking to make sure no one is sneaking up behind me

    i'm scared - i'm totally losing control and i don't know how to stop it - don't trust myself to speak and the noises that are coming out of my throat are not even human
     
  16. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    can't stop my head from spinning

    sat at lunch and got lost in myself - when i got outi'd lost an hour and a half

    sitting here counting the pills in my bottle but there aren't enough by themselves

    otherwise i sit here crying and hugging myself because there is no one else to hold me and lie to me, tell me everything will be alright
     
  17. flyingdutchmen

    flyingdutchmen Well-Known Member

    it sucks that your wife isnt much of a comfort to you in depressed times, cause in the end thats all we ask for, to be loved and understooth right ? i remember you talking about how you allways would have trouble seeing a psych because its not easy for you to open up towads others. has that changed recently, or have you tried to see one lately to give that another chance ? it sounds like you are fighting this battle all on yourself ?
     
  18. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    can't do it

    can't do it

    can't do it

    hard enough being here
     
  19. flyingdutchmen

    flyingdutchmen Well-Known Member

    what is the reason for that ? do you think it is better not to "borther" other people with your isues ? it is cause you are afraid for others ? what is the reason you are having such a hard time communicating with others ? would you be willing to "learn" how to talk to others ? this situation doesnt make it any easier on you, especialy because your wife isnt reacting the way you would like her to. how about a chat session with one of us, is that do-able ?
     
  20. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    can't talk to psychs, therapists, etc... i lock down

    everything narrows - can hear them, but all i can see is the floor until it's time to leave and i'm worse than when i went in

    don't trust them for reasons i'm not going to go into because i really don't want to think about them any more
     
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