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I'm sorry...I've been trying to get myself sorted instead I ended up worse, my ex never did leave me alone so i moved again, but he's like an addiction, i deserve to be hurt, he hurts me, its the only time i feel anything other then numb. I'm a heroin addict and alcoholic. I've had to move again to escape my ex, to escape the past, the addictions..but now I have no support, I don't know anyone in the area I've moved to. I sit in doors curtains shuts, my mood is getting lower, i've been saving tablets, life is dark. Financially i'm messed up, emotionally i'm already gone, mentally I never sood a chance. I'm struggling to find a reason not to die. Everyone in the world appears to be pregnant or having children..I won't ever have that as my baby I aborted when I was 14, I didn't want too, I had no choice. the man who was hurting me got me pregnant, beat me up and then arranged for the abortion, and instead of saying no, I went along with him. I killed my baby..and I want nothing more then to be reunited with the baby I killed and ask for forgiveness, I can't do that here on earth can I. I'm struggling not to bang up and od. I'm sorry. I'm very very lost, I have no reason to be here. I won't ever be happy, not here on earth. I want to die.

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
Hun you go to the hospital emergency okay and tell them you are suicidal go to hospital for a few days and they will help get you on right path again you won't feel so alone there. YOu will get help you need to move forward okay tell them you need help now so you don't harm you. hugs


Well-Known Member
I have been sectioned before and alth it helped whilst I was there, when I left I was on my own again...my case worker was tooo busy too see me, my social worker said I cant see her because im not in catchment area...the mental health team where I live say they can't help until i'm clean and discharged from the drug and alochol service..but drug worker says she cant help with mental health and I need to speak to mental health, they say nope speak to drug worker...the message I get is that no one wants to know, nobody can help, they all see that i;m waste off space. the doctor just ups the anti-depressants which then make me fat and makes me feel worse about myself..I just seem to be stuck and the only way is out. I've tried so many times and for so many years to get help and always end up back here wanting to die..but this time its different because I want to be with my baby more then I ever have. sorry.


Well-Known Member
Hi lost child. I remember you from the last time I was here under a different name. I'm sad that things are still bad for you ::( you do have reasons to keep going. When you get off the crap you were addicted to and get straight you will have a much better life. Now your rid of your lowlife ex you have a much better chance. I think your worst problem is your isolation. I wish I could help but your best bet is to find some groups. I find that the Quakers offer great groups for drug and depression related matters. You also meet new people in the area. Most places have centers and they are not pushy at all with religion.

I hope you find a future, you deserve it. Keep fighting.
you are not to blame for having an abortion. Even if you had chosen to do it yourself I think that would have been your right to do, but in this case you were so young and pressured by someone to get it.

you deserve happiness and to heal, and I hope that you can.

goldenpsych seems to know about how the system works in the uk, you might want to ask.

there should be a way that you can see new medical people in the area that you are in

maybe this can help?
Women's Aid


Well-Known Member
This ex of yours sounds like bad news. You met him aged 14 - and I'm wondering how old he was when you got pregnant, assaulted you with violence, forced you into an abortion and got you into heroin.

Aged 14 you think your a woman - but your still a child. The age of consent is 16 in the UK for a reason and depending on how old old this ex was - he might be some kind of predator.

Those kind of men choose young vulnerable girls because a mature woman would spot them a mile off. He likely isolated you - shutting you off from friends and family. Some men are vile bas***** who really do look for some poor woman/girl to basically bully, intimidate and have as a free slave. Most men like this are loners, I mean, who the hell would have a friend who done this? No man I know! We'd beat the whatever out of him without even needing to ask why. Gut instinct tells me this man is a wrong-un. You ought to actually take out an injunction to put your mind at rest. Tell some family perhaps - if you have family. I hope you do. I know what I'd do if anyone I knew went through this. I'd want to meet the 'gent' in question, see if he really cannot control his feelings and maybe punch me.

Most men who hit women, generally don't like fighting other men. I hate fighting but would any man here sit back and let some woman they love take this treatment?

You were a child when forced into this abortion. You had no support which might have led you to be able to make your own mind up. You are not to blame - do not deserve punishing and you need to understand that you were just a child. You are carrying the guilt when there is no judgement against you.

I suspect what you need is a man who cares. Someone your own age. There is no reason why you cannot get your life together and be happily married in the not too distant future. This second chance to get it right is something owed to you.

My prayers for you and your child. Don't get too caught up thinking bad things and God will forgive you for being young, frightened and controlled by an evil man who I dislike immensely though I've never met him.

Forget this creep - put a big FULL STOP on that part of your life. Put that heroin addiction into order. I know lots of heroin addicts and I know quite a few woman, who, like you, got into drugs through some waster. The ways out are to first ditch the waster, and then to make sure you get out of the heroin habit. Education is a great help and maybe you ought to go back to college or something, perhaps pick up the basic skills you maybe never picked up and hone the skills you do have and get some qualifications.

Medication for depression might help as might counselling.

Isolation is bad when its not a choice. I've lived in areas in which I knew nobody. I ended up moving back to were I grew up and at least there I know plenty of people who I grew up with. If you still have family, I wonder if that might be good for you to move were they might live? Or have you isolated yourself fro the family still?

Get your life into some order - step by step, and I'm sure that at some point you will meet someone who can treat you with the respect and dignity you and any woman deserves. You've missed out on the romance we should have when young - the fun and spontaneity and the chance to share a love which is real.

You have a lot of good things owed to you in my books - Karma works both ways and something tells me that there are good things waiting for you. Hopefully you will be a success story and come back here soon and announce your engaged to a coffee addict.

Good luck, you've been through a lot and its great that you've taken so much abuse and are still here. Sure, you might be feeling frail and have little confidence, but you can find confidence and become stronger.

Maybe when you are feeling better you might be able to help other young girls who are going through what you went through.

I'm sure your story here, the fact your still alive, does represent some hope for others.

I feel humbled myself, like my problems are just some kind of a joke amongst the very real bad things some here go through. Being depressed is one thing - but being depressed through some horrible experience is another.

Hold on in - you offer hope without knowing it!


Well-Known Member
Sorry it wasn't my recent ex who got me preganant..it was the man (jim) who abused me from when i was 8 to 15. He was my friends grandad.

One man (dan) got me into drugs from a young age, but I moved in 2008 to get away from soft drugs (coke, pills and that) and my ex of 15 years but in July 2009 I then meet another man who was into hardcore drugs (heroin), I started using in August 2009 I was only a friend, I wasn't seeing him as anything more, but he wanted more, and I ended up "being with him", it was a case of he would give me the drugs for free (to start with), then it escalated which is too difficult to say.

I went from smoking it every other night, to having a dig several times a day. I have been trying to get off heroin but its so difficult, like today I want to use, I want to get wasted, I need it so that i don't feel, so that I dont feel so ill, so the world "seems nice & warm" instead of evil and cold...Heroin and alochol were the only friends around when I needed someone, the only friends who don't turn they back on me in my hour off need...but at the same these friends have destroyed my health, finances, other friends, work..but with friends like H and A its a struggle to leave behind!

I have no self esteem or confidence without substance, I don't know who I am without substance..20 years I've used some sort of drug, and I don't know life without it..Drink/drugs have helped to stop the mind thinking, the memories appearing, and given me confidence to do things I wouldn't do sober.

I had control, now I don't...I have no control over anything, the one thing I have control over and I need to be sure that it works is ending this life, everything else has control over me, or is out of control.

Ending this life is the one thing I can do for me, the one thing I want so badly as I'm tired of fighting, tired of using, tired of trying, tired of failing, tired of existing, tired of being rejected, tired of the battles in my head, the battles against this body, tired of living in fear, tired of waiting for the day to be killed by my ex, or by heroin, or drink...I even choose to stop heroin so that if I get the amount right I will end up OD as my tolerance has dropped.

My thoughts are now not about living, the future, but about how I can end this life without causing harm to others and without being given medical care to "save" me...as I am past that now..there is nothing to save.


Well-Known Member
S*it that sucks. You must have hope for something / someone? You do have a future but you just need to take the right path. I know its easy for me to say that never smoked brown but I've seen close friends do it. You do have a lot of other past and present issues though which I think anyone would in your shoes would find hard not to think about suicide. But your an amazing person and I really hope you can have a good future. Please keep going,


Banned Member
I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your baby lost child. But you were only 14 and it would have been very difficult to care for a child at that age. If you believe in reincarnation, then maybe your child has already been reborn into another family? Also, please do your best to stay away from drugs. They are very addictive and very harmful to your body. Please don't give up. :hug:
Hello Lost Child. I am both a drug addict and alcoholic. I also lost a child when a girl friend had an abortion.

However, I stopped both drink and drugs about 10 years ago, with only one relapse. I am not clever for doing it - you can as well. I started by living the next hour clean. Yes it hurt, but I'll just go the next hour then reward myself. Instead of rewarding myself at that point, I'll just go another hour.

Soon it was I'll go the morning / afternoon / evening, and so on. Before you know it, you will be going the full day.

As for your lost child. I wanted something just for my child. I bought a Rose bush, and went to talk to it each day. That was my way of keeping me close to my daughter. If you do not have a garden, a house plant bought especially for your child could be the same.

I hope this helps you in the way it helped me.
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