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I don't want to die, but for me I can't see any other way out. I'm 17 and i've suffered with depression for 5 years. I've self-harmed for about 4 years. Since I was 13 i've gotten through life by promising myself that I will explore all options of 'help' and if nothing was useful I would let myself commit suicide on my 18th birthday (in 12 days).

I wish there was another way but i've tried ever kind of 'help', from pills, to counsellors, to psychologists, even homeopathic remedies, but nothing seems to work for me. I've literally had constant suicidal feelings for the past 5 years, but knowing the impact my suicide would have on my mum and little sister has made me wait until my 18th, when I felt I would have tried every kind of help. And I have.

When my psych called me yesterday, I stupidly told her that I 'felt like doing something', and because I missed my appt with her last week she asked if I was still coming to my appt on the 7th June (2 days after my birthday) and I said I don't plan on being around then.

She also works with the crisis team who i've never needed before, but now she wants to come and see me today with someone else from the crisis team who I haven't met. She wants to see me at home even though she knows i'm living with my mother again who doesn't even know that i'm seeing anyone for my MH issues, she thinks i'm all better.

So now i'm really struggling to stay alive because my mother is really abusive emotionally and physically and when she finds out i've been lying to her about where i've been going when I go to appt's i'll be in big trouble. My psych knows she can be emotionally abusive but i've never told her the extent of it, or that it's physical aswell. My mother puts on her best 'amazing parent' face when anyone from outside the family comes round and I don't think my psych realises what kind of trouble she'll cause for me by coming to the house, she thinks now is a good time to tell my mother because I need her 'support'.

I don't even think I can survive today, i've got the tools to do it with and I know I wouldn't be found :(


Well-Known Member
I am really sorry you feel so bad. I know its a terrible place to be and I really hope you can get through it with the help of your psych and the crisis team. You never know, they could be the key to your happiness. They may also know of a way for you to get out of the abusive situation you're in now. All I can really say to you now is, hold on, things might get better yet :hug:
Thankyou :console: but i've been holding on for the past 5 years, and I don't want my psych to know about the abuse, it'll break my little sisters heart if I get mum in trouble because she's always so nice to my sister, she's never hurt her, my sister will blame me for getting mum in trouble :(


Well-Known Member
But you really need to do what's best for you at the moment. You need to get yourself out of the bad situation you're in so you can get better
I know I do. I don't know why I keep protecting my mother, I just can't help it, I do it automatically. I'm feeling okay at the moment, but only because i've decided to end it tonight, after crisis has been x


Well-Known Member
but what about waiting for your birthday?

you need to be honest about your plan hun to crisis. they may be able to help
Crisis just left... I just feel even worse now, I said that my psych had misunderstood what i'd said, that I wasn't going to kill myself, just that I was going away to see old friends around my birthday. Luckily my mum slept through the whole thing, but only after she'd opened the door to them, so she knows who they are. She's gone back to bed but i'm so scared of her waking up, she'll be so angry. I don't want the stupid crisis team involved, i've only just got to know my psych, I hate meeting new people :( I think I might try to hold on, at least until my birthday, because I can't get to the place I want to be when I end it :(
you're 18 the world is yours, pack your bags and leave. you have a long beautiful future on your terms in your place. please try living your life not your mothers.
is there a relative that you trust that you could live with? grand mother, aunt?

I wonder if it would be possible to get your mom to go to counseling

here are some links that might be useful
Freephone 24-Hour National Domestic Violence Helpline
Run in partnership between Women's Aid and Refuge: 0808 2000 247

Refuge's network of safe houses provency accommodation for women and children when they are most in need.

Women's Aid
Women's Aid is the national domestic violence charity.
They work to end violence against women and children, and co-ordinate and support over 500 domestic and sexual violence services across the country.

when pills and counseling don't work there are still lots of options for treatment.
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