I don't want to die, but for me I can't see any other way out. I'm 17 and i've suffered with depression for 5 years. I've self-harmed for about 4 years. Since I was 13 i've gotten through life by promising myself that I will explore all options of 'help' and if nothing was useful I would let myself commit suicide on my 18th birthday (in 12 days).
I wish there was another way but i've tried ever kind of 'help', from pills, to counsellors, to psychologists, even homeopathic remedies, but nothing seems to work for me. I've literally had constant suicidal feelings for the past 5 years, but knowing the impact my suicide would have on my mum and little sister has made me wait until my 18th, when I felt I would have tried every kind of help. And I have.
When my psych called me yesterday, I stupidly told her that I 'felt like doing something', and because I missed my appt with her last week she asked if I was still coming to my appt on the 7th June (2 days after my birthday) and I said I don't plan on being around then.
She also works with the crisis team who i've never needed before, but now she wants to come and see me today with someone else from the crisis team who I haven't met. She wants to see me at home even though she knows i'm living with my mother again who doesn't even know that i'm seeing anyone for my MH issues, she thinks i'm all better.
So now i'm really struggling to stay alive because my mother is really abusive emotionally and physically and when she finds out i've been lying to her about where i've been going when I go to appt's i'll be in big trouble. My psych knows she can be emotionally abusive but i've never told her the extent of it, or that it's physical aswell. My mother puts on her best 'amazing parent' face when anyone from outside the family comes round and I don't think my psych realises what kind of trouble she'll cause for me by coming to the house, she thinks now is a good time to tell my mother because I need her 'support'.
I don't even think I can survive today, i've got the tools to do it with and I know I wouldn't be found
I wish there was another way but i've tried ever kind of 'help', from pills, to counsellors, to psychologists, even homeopathic remedies, but nothing seems to work for me. I've literally had constant suicidal feelings for the past 5 years, but knowing the impact my suicide would have on my mum and little sister has made me wait until my 18th, when I felt I would have tried every kind of help. And I have.
When my psych called me yesterday, I stupidly told her that I 'felt like doing something', and because I missed my appt with her last week she asked if I was still coming to my appt on the 7th June (2 days after my birthday) and I said I don't plan on being around then.
She also works with the crisis team who i've never needed before, but now she wants to come and see me today with someone else from the crisis team who I haven't met. She wants to see me at home even though she knows i'm living with my mother again who doesn't even know that i'm seeing anyone for my MH issues, she thinks i'm all better.
So now i'm really struggling to stay alive because my mother is really abusive emotionally and physically and when she finds out i've been lying to her about where i've been going when I go to appt's i'll be in big trouble. My psych knows she can be emotionally abusive but i've never told her the extent of it, or that it's physical aswell. My mother puts on her best 'amazing parent' face when anyone from outside the family comes round and I don't think my psych realises what kind of trouble she'll cause for me by coming to the house, she thinks now is a good time to tell my mother because I need her 'support'.
I don't even think I can survive today, i've got the tools to do it with and I know I wouldn't be found
