Help

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by iva, Oct 12, 2011.

  1. iva

    iva New Member

    This is my first time talking to anyone about this. Well i talked to my mom , but as many times in life she wan't too supportive.
    I'm 30, and i guess all this started a long time ago, maybe at 14 or something like that. I'm sorry to make this a long message, but i guess i would like who ever reads this and could maybe help to know the whole story.
    I lived with my parents yntil i was about 5, and then moved to live with my grandparents(the happiest time of my life living with my grandma).
    Looking back now, i think i had sort of an OCD when i came to live with them, but it started to go away, and i remember having fun, being and feeling safe...
    And than at 13 my mom and father decided that i should move back with them.
    That was horrible news for me, but i didn't really now why, i just knew i didn't want to go back.
    After a while living with them obsessive thoughts and feeling frighten were returning. At 14 i developed anorexia, which lasted for 4 months, and i ended it when my mother threw food at my face for not eating, it really ended because i was so mad at her that i thought that i will not let her see me fall.
    I tried to leave home a couple of times but didn't(wish now i had).
    I've learnt 5 months ago that i am gluten intolerant, i'm mentioning this because since childhood i had weight problems, which were getting worse in my teens. Also i suffered from facial dermatitis so i would get sores on my face, not pleasant.
    I was, at that point having trouble, low self esteem...
    I was also having problems with my menstrual period , and that was all in the open, because my mom sad that it was all because i was nerves and if i would relax it would go away.
    Since as early as i could remember, for each birthday, or any event my parents had a fight that was started by my father, later, i remember him saying, when my mom wasn't arround that it was my fault they ar going to split. I felt scared that i really was.
    Also my father hated that i wanted to shut the doors of my room, he would barge in every half an hour, make a scene, call me crazy...That at later years became so extreme that i couldn't be alone to change my underwear (i'm not kidding).
    So at 21, i was really low on self esteem, and i had to repeat a year in college
    , and that's when i started having fears that i would not know how to think, to breathe. But my nightmare was just starting. Soon i started to be scared that i would hurt somebody (which i know now i would never do, but i guess i knew then too, i jut didn't believe myself).This lasted until i moved away from my parents and stopped talking to my father.
    My mother, when she caught me talking about boys or something would with disgust say that sex is nothing, and made me feel really bad.My father , on the other hand always walked almost naked arround the house, and u could sometimes see his genitalia. Now that is something i did not, nor ever will want to see in ,my life. I asked to stop, both of them, but nothing. My mom will later say that i never said anything, but when i confront her she will say that she didn't think i was serious or that it mattered.
    I never had a boyfriend, and that it still true in my 30. year(with all of this crap i'm not sure i ever will, cause who would want to deal with this). And that's the fact that hit me the most.
    Anyway, at 22 i started having fears that i would want sex with my father(never did, want or anything), but i would be so scared that i would imagine that, and it would make me sick.
    So at that moment i decided to tell my parents what was going on and get some help. My mom was surprised, bu oddly my father acted like i said nothing new to him. That puzzled me, and it still does.
    But, i decided o to fight this crap, and so i did for 8 long years to come, and when i decided to move out from their house, i actually got rid of all of this.
    Not kidding at all.
    I was all happy, but, long story short, my 10 months younger cousin, who has put 0 effort into her life last year got to go to study abroad and now she has a boyfriend(also like me, never had one before). When i heard that hte person that pushed me of a chair on a wedding just to sit next to a guy i was sitting next to (just pointing out that in my opinion she was not an a cool person), it just boiled out all the crap, and i started to think really seriously about suicide (that was a couple a months ago). I started to blame myself again for everything, i don't see a way out.. I tried to cut my wrist 4 times, 2 of the times i wasn't trying to kill myself, but to ease the pain, to make sence of this all crap. But lately i really cant find any other solution in ,y mind but to kill my self. Now, the thing is I just can't do it, but i spend days trying to convince myself to go for it, that it's easy, that i won't be a loser the way i am now...
    So there, i've actualy bored myself with this story, but if anyone reads this, i could do with some help. Thnx.
    Iva XOXO
     
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Iva,
    Sounds like you can use some therapy to get those thoughts out on the table and discuss it with someone who is impartial..Please don't harm your self...These things can be worked out...You have put up with alot from your parents..Your dad sounds like a major ass.. You don't treat girls and women the way he did you..Check with your school and find out if they have counselars.. You can talk to them also..Keep posting here and you will make friends.. My PM box is always open so you can PM me if there is anything I can do for you...
     
  3. pancake111

    pancake111 Well-Known Member

    You've been through a lot, and you should really see a therapist to get this all out. You're not giving yourself a chance. You're letting all the things that your parents said and did to you run your life. You've moved away from them, so this is your chance to start a new day.

    Cutting doesn't help anything, trust me on that one. You just get addicted to it, and just gives you even more problems. And you are not a loser. You've made it through so far, so just have faith in yourself. You're a strong person, without a doubt!
     
  4. iva

    iva New Member

    Thank you, i was afraid that people, even here would judge or not believe me (i also get that from my parents, that i'm making all up, that it's all in my head and because i want it and i want to be sick). I think one of the reasons for that i started to cut myself was that it was the first thing that nobody could tell me wasn't real, it's real, and everybody can see. But pancake111 is right, you get addicted, it's still starting with me, and i would like to get out before it gets any further.
    Thank you for saying that you shouldn't treat a girl like my father treated me. I thought that too, but after a while i guess i started to believe i was wrong and that it's like that for everybody. But you brought up a good point, all of my life i never felt like a girl, i felt ugly, not worth of love but still desperate to find it, i would dress really ugly, guess to make my self look ugly and i think in my mind be safe form my father (sounds strange).
    I'm not making the two of the sound like worst parents, i know that there are worse, but for me all of this was too much.(I wrote this couse i think that u'll think that i'm making it up and blaming them...)
    I do want to talk to professional, and sounds funny, but i was so happy to post this here, and especially to get replies, because i feel like this is my first step in opening up and really dealing with this. I'm really scared at the same time, about reactions, about all the time and my own milestones i lost in life...
    THANK U SO MUCH
    Iva
     
  5. shub11

    shub11 Banned Member

    1. Consult a therapist

    2. Hit the Get get in shape get beautiful

    3. Find something that can consume most of your time so that you dont thhink much

    4. Boyfriend , they are important but I dont have any suggestions

    5. It is certain that to overcome this situation wont be easy so hang on.
     
  6. iva

    iva New Member

    I was happy and hopeful since i joined the forum, but today i'm starting to think that i maybe made a mistake, that i'm stupid to think that people won't find me pathetic, won't hurt me by what they say (that's a big problem for me, cause even when i know that they didn't mean anything bad i got to be so protective of myself that i'd rather isolate myself, then risk being hurt, because i know that the dot in my brain that's depressed will try to use it against me).(The dot is the part of my brain that i feel every time i'm having fears, well any of the crap. So i think of it as a depressed part, which is surrounded with not depressed part of my brain, that is trying to fight of the depression ).
    Right now the bothering thought it's the part were most people, even trying to be helpful, when you say i've never had a boyfriend find it so strange(i already think i'm pathetic for that, don't need that kind of a reaction), and usually say very wrong things, which unfortunately i tend to hold on to and then fears start, and one of the things that my fears got to evolve into is first they (in my head) show me pictures of graveyard, and then they're like oh you don't belong in this world, see everybody else gets to have a life, to love, and you must be a mistake and bad not deserve anything, because, what more of a proof you need than no one wanted you all this time. Now you're old, and nothing will change, but you have a way to change it if you kill yourself (i don't know if can say this on this forum, fell free to modify my posts). Now most of the time, i'm like, i;l ignore it, i know i't an illness(which is another self confidence destroyer, cause how can i expect anything or anybody with all of this,so i actually think it has a point.
    And now i feel like, i have to be the most idiotic person for naming this as a problem, and why even write this.
    Still,It's nice to have a way to talk to people, i'm really holding on to that right now. There are so many doubts in my head, but i;m glad that i decided to open up and seek help. I still haven't found a therapist, and sometimes i'm scared that i'll chicken out, and close myself again. But i won't, i hope (not being dramatic, just a small fear).
    I appreciate all of the posts, but stranger1 and pancake111 were really helpful, so maybe you could give me some advice on how to find the right therapy and therapist
    Hugs
    Iva