This is my first time talking to anyone about this. Well i talked to my mom , but as many times in life she wan't too supportive.
I'm 30, and i guess all this started a long time ago, maybe at 14 or something like that. I'm sorry to make this a long message, but i guess i would like who ever reads this and could maybe help to know the whole story.
I lived with my parents yntil i was about 5, and then moved to live with my grandparents(the happiest time of my life living with my grandma).
Looking back now, i think i had sort of an OCD when i came to live with them, but it started to go away, and i remember having fun, being and feeling safe...
And than at 13 my mom and father decided that i should move back with them.
That was horrible news for me, but i didn't really now why, i just knew i didn't want to go back.
After a while living with them obsessive thoughts and feeling frighten were returning. At 14 i developed anorexia, which lasted for 4 months, and i ended it when my mother threw food at my face for not eating, it really ended because i was so mad at her that i thought that i will not let her see me fall.
I tried to leave home a couple of times but didn't(wish now i had).
I've learnt 5 months ago that i am gluten intolerant, i'm mentioning this because since childhood i had weight problems, which were getting worse in my teens. Also i suffered from facial dermatitis so i would get sores on my face, not pleasant.
I was, at that point having trouble, low self esteem...
I was also having problems with my menstrual period , and that was all in the open, because my mom sad that it was all because i was nerves and if i would relax it would go away.
Since as early as i could remember, for each birthday, or any event my parents had a fight that was started by my father, later, i remember him saying, when my mom wasn't arround that it was my fault they ar going to split. I felt scared that i really was.
Also my father hated that i wanted to shut the doors of my room, he would barge in every half an hour, make a scene, call me crazy...That at later years became so extreme that i couldn't be alone to change my underwear (i'm not kidding).
So at 21, i was really low on self esteem, and i had to repeat a year in college
, and that's when i started having fears that i would not know how to think, to breathe. But my nightmare was just starting. Soon i started to be scared that i would hurt somebody (which i know now i would never do, but i guess i knew then too, i jut didn't believe myself).This lasted until i moved away from my parents and stopped talking to my father.
My mother, when she caught me talking about boys or something would with disgust say that sex is nothing, and made me feel really bad.My father , on the other hand always walked almost naked arround the house, and u could sometimes see his genitalia. Now that is something i did not, nor ever will want to see in ,my life. I asked to stop, both of them, but nothing. My mom will later say that i never said anything, but when i confront her she will say that she didn't think i was serious or that it mattered.
I never had a boyfriend, and that it still true in my 30. year(with all of this crap i'm not sure i ever will, cause who would want to deal with this). And that's the fact that hit me the most.
Anyway, at 22 i started having fears that i would want sex with my father(never did, want or anything), but i would be so scared that i would imagine that, and it would make me sick.
So at that moment i decided to tell my parents what was going on and get some help. My mom was surprised, bu oddly my father acted like i said nothing new to him. That puzzled me, and it still does.
But, i decided o to fight this crap, and so i did for 8 long years to come, and when i decided to move out from their house, i actually got rid of all of this.
Not kidding at all.
I was all happy, but, long story short, my 10 months younger cousin, who has put 0 effort into her life last year got to go to study abroad and now she has a boyfriend(also like me, never had one before). When i heard that hte person that pushed me of a chair on a wedding just to sit next to a guy i was sitting next to (just pointing out that in my opinion she was not an a cool person), it just boiled out all the crap, and i started to think really seriously about suicide (that was a couple a months ago). I started to blame myself again for everything, i don't see a way out.. I tried to cut my wrist 4 times, 2 of the times i wasn't trying to kill myself, but to ease the pain, to make sence of this all crap. But lately i really cant find any other solution in ,y mind but to kill my self. Now, the thing is I just can't do it, but i spend days trying to convince myself to go for it, that it's easy, that i won't be a loser the way i am now...
So there, i've actualy bored myself with this story, but if anyone reads this, i could do with some help. Thnx.
Iva XOXO
I'm 30, and i guess all this started a long time ago, maybe at 14 or something like that. I'm sorry to make this a long message, but i guess i would like who ever reads this and could maybe help to know the whole story.
I lived with my parents yntil i was about 5, and then moved to live with my grandparents(the happiest time of my life living with my grandma).
Looking back now, i think i had sort of an OCD when i came to live with them, but it started to go away, and i remember having fun, being and feeling safe...
And than at 13 my mom and father decided that i should move back with them.
That was horrible news for me, but i didn't really now why, i just knew i didn't want to go back.
After a while living with them obsessive thoughts and feeling frighten were returning. At 14 i developed anorexia, which lasted for 4 months, and i ended it when my mother threw food at my face for not eating, it really ended because i was so mad at her that i thought that i will not let her see me fall.
I tried to leave home a couple of times but didn't(wish now i had).
I've learnt 5 months ago that i am gluten intolerant, i'm mentioning this because since childhood i had weight problems, which were getting worse in my teens. Also i suffered from facial dermatitis so i would get sores on my face, not pleasant.
I was, at that point having trouble, low self esteem...
I was also having problems with my menstrual period , and that was all in the open, because my mom sad that it was all because i was nerves and if i would relax it would go away.
Since as early as i could remember, for each birthday, or any event my parents had a fight that was started by my father, later, i remember him saying, when my mom wasn't arround that it was my fault they ar going to split. I felt scared that i really was.
Also my father hated that i wanted to shut the doors of my room, he would barge in every half an hour, make a scene, call me crazy...That at later years became so extreme that i couldn't be alone to change my underwear (i'm not kidding).
So at 21, i was really low on self esteem, and i had to repeat a year in college
, and that's when i started having fears that i would not know how to think, to breathe. But my nightmare was just starting. Soon i started to be scared that i would hurt somebody (which i know now i would never do, but i guess i knew then too, i jut didn't believe myself).This lasted until i moved away from my parents and stopped talking to my father.
My mother, when she caught me talking about boys or something would with disgust say that sex is nothing, and made me feel really bad.My father , on the other hand always walked almost naked arround the house, and u could sometimes see his genitalia. Now that is something i did not, nor ever will want to see in ,my life. I asked to stop, both of them, but nothing. My mom will later say that i never said anything, but when i confront her she will say that she didn't think i was serious or that it mattered.
I never had a boyfriend, and that it still true in my 30. year(with all of this crap i'm not sure i ever will, cause who would want to deal with this). And that's the fact that hit me the most.
Anyway, at 22 i started having fears that i would want sex with my father(never did, want or anything), but i would be so scared that i would imagine that, and it would make me sick.
So at that moment i decided to tell my parents what was going on and get some help. My mom was surprised, bu oddly my father acted like i said nothing new to him. That puzzled me, and it still does.
But, i decided o to fight this crap, and so i did for 8 long years to come, and when i decided to move out from their house, i actually got rid of all of this.
Not kidding at all.
I was all happy, but, long story short, my 10 months younger cousin, who has put 0 effort into her life last year got to go to study abroad and now she has a boyfriend(also like me, never had one before). When i heard that hte person that pushed me of a chair on a wedding just to sit next to a guy i was sitting next to (just pointing out that in my opinion she was not an a cool person), it just boiled out all the crap, and i started to think really seriously about suicide (that was a couple a months ago). I started to blame myself again for everything, i don't see a way out.. I tried to cut my wrist 4 times, 2 of the times i wasn't trying to kill myself, but to ease the pain, to make sence of this all crap. But lately i really cant find any other solution in ,y mind but to kill my self. Now, the thing is I just can't do it, but i spend days trying to convince myself to go for it, that it's easy, that i won't be a loser the way i am now...
So there, i've actualy bored myself with this story, but if anyone reads this, i could do with some help. Thnx.
Iva XOXO
