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What do I do with this ball of pain growing up inside. I just go through days not thinking about it and now it is half-present all the time unless I focus on something else that is more rational or accomplishment-oriented but anything that is close to simply emotions brings it back and now I am paralyzed. I can't even explode and yell or go outside barefoot and punch someone in the face like I fantasize to because I don't even have the strength. My heart is just a black hole of powerless despair and I am crushing into myself.

Psychologists do nothing. They explain problems rationally back to me and do nothing to help. I have been rejected too much and now I can't "accept" any sort of acceptance and I overreact at any kind of rejection. I can't accept any sort of love and I do not love myself. I cannot love myself. It is impossible. I don't even know what it means concretely. Trying to even think about it only brings out paralyzing pain which grows or diminishes according to the focus I give it, which is low because I have attention deficit disorder.

I just CANNOT DO ANYTHING. NOTHING. I can't just blow a fuse and do something illegal because then I'll have money problems. But soon that's what will happen if I don't do something. But there is no way I can look inside myself and help myself. I have too many barriers all around my heart protecting it from everything including myself. It is burning BLACK. And no intelligent, rational thinking can help me out of it.

What do I do now. Please.


Staff Alumni
Print this post and show it to your therapist. If you feel that the treatment s/he is providing is not useful, there is a rupture in the relationship. So many times in treatment, my therapist sounded like he was talking some foreign language which I had not translation for...I would leave the session feeling like I could not be reached and there was no one even trying. It was not until I was more self-disclosing that I felt I had a truer relationship with him.

I also know very well the feelings. or lack thereof, of being in a vacuum, a dark space filled with a void..unreachable, untouchable and seeming like an alien inside...this was the estrangement brought on by my defending against the dire pain I was experiencing. Nothing was clearly better than agony. When I could finally approach the agony, I was surprised I could deal with it. The unknown is clearly more frightening than that which one reveals.

Hope you continue to post and know that I am sure that there are many people who can relate to what you are saying
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