Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Ajean, Dec 30, 2011.

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  1. Ajean

    Ajean Well-Known Member

    I'm really in fight or flight mode. I have chronic migraines and the more intense the pain is the more I feel like throwing myself of the nearest building.

    A little bit of background on me, since I am new here, there is nothing medically that can be done to make the pain stop. I have frequent violent panic attacks and am on anti-depressants and anti axiety meds. It's been over two years now of unending docotrs appointments, tests, and even a couple hospital visits because of the migraines. I had to drop out of high school and do nothing but cry, uncontrollably vomit, and lay on the floor wishing i was dead.

    I've heard all of the 'you have so much to live for' 'it'll get better' and just about all other supportive cliches.
    I'm so done. No one understands how it feels to be a prisoner to your own body, to never have the peace to just comfortably be for a moment. i am NEVER not in pain. I've completely forgotten what it felt like to not hurt. I've even come to a point where I hate people that are just going about their lives, without pain.

    I wish I had never existed. no one would suffer because of me. No one would cry because they had lost me. They wouldn't have ever known I existed, for I wouldn't.

    No one close to me realizes how truly suicidal I am. Yes, a couple of people know I'm unhappy, but no one would understand if i told them I wanted to die. My friend once sat on my front porch and cried, I told her I spent the night perched on an overpass just watching the traffic race by on the freeway beneath me. I don't know why I didn't jump. I guess I just needed to day goodbye first. It just didn't feel right not to tell them. But if i do, they'll try to save me. I don't feel like I want to be saved. I want to be fixed. I want to be normal.

    I really don't know why I'm here anymore. I don't even live, I'm not even a person anymore.
    What am I supposed to do?
    Lay here and cry in pain for the next 70 years, until my heart finally gives out?
  2. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    ((Ajean)) sorry life for you is just one big pain and total discomfort.. not a clue what more to say than i do wish i could make it easier and better somehow for you.. do care, Jim
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hear you you want dam pain to stop god hun have they not tried newer medication to prevent these migraines so many out there now ones you take everyday so the migraines never come on i think one is called sandomigraine and there are new ones Have you had MRI hun there has to be a reason for these I do hope you get another opinion from a specialist a neurologist hun sorry that they are not helping you the way you need it. Keep pushing okay keep yelling until they do find help for you hugs
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