Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Allo.., Nov 12, 2006.

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  1. Allo..

    Allo.. Well-Known Member

    Help! Im at school, class is just starting, and i feel like cutting. Im on the verge of tears and want to cut so bad.. i havent done it for... AGES. the marks on my wrist from last time i did it are disappearing, thats how long its been.. Must have been over a month.. its ages... But im sinking again and i dont know how to stop it. I dont even know whats triggering it. I think i might just be tired but i really want to do it.. its getting so strong and i DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO! ='(.. help me.. please..
  2. Will

    Will Staff Alumni

    Hey Allo...

    You were doing okay a little bit ago, what's on your mind? Did maybe something at school trigger you?
  3. Allo..

    Allo.. Well-Known Member

    Theres nothing on my mind right now, i have no idea whats wrong or even the smallest thing in my life that im not liking right now.. Ahh.. Well i havent done it yet, and i just had art and we used stencil knives or whatever their called, ther really sharp and i wanted to cut so bad.. but i held off. I said NO. I still want to, but i restrained and now i have nothing to do it with.

    My friend wrote me a letter and i replied, she asked how i was and i told her. =). I told her i wanted to cut and that i was feeling really bad, and shes trying to help me.. shes trying to get me thru it, and i think it was the right thing to do to tell her because now she can keep an eye out and just talk to me when im not talking.. =)

    ARhh.. this is still killing me.. Why the hell do i feel this way?!.. whats wrong with me ='(
  4. Will

    Will Staff Alumni

    Maybe it's just the feeling of being depressed, since you hadn't been too bad in awhile.

    I'm not sure myself, but talk to me if you want to, ok?
  5. fading_dreams

    fading_dreams Well-Known Member

    yeah, we used exacto knives at school and i was so tempted to just stick one in my pocket and walk out... they look like they would be great to cut with they are so sharp... so i can understand your temptation, but i didn't do it, and i am so glad, so i can tell you from experience that if you can not take them then that's good... just don't take the knife... and DON'T CUT AT SCHOOL! there is WAY too much risk of getting caught.... and if you get blood on your clothes or something then you can't get it off. yeah... anyway, hope that you didn't give in, but wwe'll love you even if you did.

  6. Allo..

    Allo.. Well-Known Member

    Thanks.. I didnt do it at school, got thru the day.. Then that night i felt a bit better.. but not that much.. I couldnt hold back anymore tho, later that night, after id been good, I got back to how i felt when i posted before.. I went to bed... and tore up my arm, just after i told someone else not to do it. I wrote a letter to my friend, she asked me too, and i told her that i gave in and the letter made me sound Mad. Literally Mad. it said how i wasnt sorry i did it, how i loved it, how excited i was... I was crazy.. and i dont know whats wrong with me. Now i wish i hadnt done it, of course. Isnt that what its like for everyone? But i didnt wish i wasnt at the time.. Ohh dear.. im going insane..

    I wrote her another letter when i woke up this morning, saying i was going to give the other letter to her as well so she could see how i was, it apologized, and was what i should have written last night, so hopefully she will understand better by seeing both the leters.

    Thanks for everything guys, lets see if i can get thru another day at school.. Oh crap, art again today. Ill do my best. Take care, Ally _%
  7. Will

    Will Staff Alumni

    I'm sorry Allo...I must have triggered you...

    Did you make it through the day? Are you okay right now?...
  8. Allo..

    Allo.. Well-Known Member

    Xibyll, it wasnt you, everything was crashing down on me, and i just wanted to do all i could to help you.. It wasnt you, it was the world, my house, my family, my friends, my life.

    Its lunch time at the moment, 10mins till the end, I have Science left and thats it. Im not sure how science will be, we are in my homeroom so ill be really.. "in myself".. Like really thinking about stuff, so i dont think thats fantastic.. After school Im going up to the library to take back some books, then at 5 Ill go to the Gym to meet mum.. be there for an hour and a half.. get home around 7:15 i expect.. by then ill be buggered and wil have thought about everything so much.. which is really not good, but could be for the best. dno.. Im so tired.. I lasted ART =D they didnt have the knifes out so i didnt see them, i didnt even think about cutting =) Sorry im going on about everything right now, i just want to talk.. need to talk.. talk talk talk.. If its still raining when i get on the bus ill text mum and tell her im to cold so im going home and not the gym.. Fingers crossed!

    I have eaten so much today and yesterday ='( I couldnt stop.. I lost 8kg in 1-2 weeks. and im putting it straight back on. but i dont have the energy to go to the gym... Im stopping, going back to my old eating habits for at least a week. a FULL week. And if i dont ill punish myself, because this is something i have to do =D..

    Sorry about all this.. Right now, im just tired and really warm, cant be bothered moving, and i feel quite sick. i feel pretty miserable, but dont have the energy to want to do anything to myself... ARGH

    Sorry guys, just a bad time for me to talk.. Think ill write a letter to myself =) class starts in 5, im off. Take care and sorry _%
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