Helped or enabled?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Cariad_Bach, Jul 24, 2016.

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  1. Cariad_Bach

    Cariad_Bach Staff Alumni

    My support network have very different approaches to help me.

    One part will do whatever they can where they see I'm avoiding or failing to perform some daily activity or another. Not washing my clothes? They'll do it. Not managing finances? They'll do it. Not running errands? They'll do it. Whatever it is, they will take it on for me. At my worst, they were running baths to get me to wash and bringing food/drinks to me in bed to get me to consume something.

    I'm not ungrateful. Or maybe I am, I'm not sure... It's just that I don't have responsibility for anything. It's quite easy now, to think as soon as something is a bit of effort that someone else will do it. I don't have to fight or work through the fatigue, because my backup is always there. Becoming more and more front line.

    Another part of my support network tends to, well, join in, I guess. I want to sleep or lie in bed all the time and they are happy to do so too. I don't clean or tidy and neither do they. I eat badly and they order Chinese. I am never judged. I am never condemned. I am still accepted, and cared for, and the lack of self-care is unseen, or perhaps just ignored. I can't be sure, which is nice.

    And I'm not ungrateful. Really, I don't think I am. I see how special and precious it is to be seen for what you are - to be seen fully at your worst - and to be loved and cared for regardless.... It's just that when motivation is lacking, unconditional acceptance and companionable involvement isn't massively conducive to change. If they will not only put up with it but also join in with it, why would I bother to do anything different?

    Another part of my support network listens. Do not ever underestimate how much this helps me, emotionally. I get to speak out freely, with no fear of judgement or reprisal and receive understanding and empathy. It saves my life regularly in more immediately obvious ways than the other parts I have described.

    And I'm not ungrateful, I really don't mean to be is just that... What does talking really do? Practically? I voice my fears of anger or concerns and afterwards I feel better but nothing ever changes. I don't change. I go back and continue as I did before, crisis averted but living or *existing* just as before.

    I must be ungrateful. I have a lot of support. Some even that I haven't written about here. And yet boring is changing. I am still the same. Please don't tell me it's a disease and no one can help it. There is help for it and I've got it. So why am I still standing, prone where nothing has changed and nothing ever will....?
  2. Brittless

    Brittless Well-Known Member

    I would say both. But I'm wondering what you think they're enabling you to be essentially.. Is it they're enabling you to continue bad habits, or to get stuck in a depressed cycle? I mean... do they know what you want? Do they know you want change? Do you know how you want to change? Because it seems to me if you recognize that you want and need to change and staying in the same pattern is causing you to feel the same, that enabled or not you're ready to take a healthy step forward.

    In my opinion, support can be tricky. People can only prop you up, offer their devotion but the rest is up to you. Perhaps you can set some goals, tell them how you want to change, and they will support you in that. I don't know the full story with you, but that's my take on it. I don't think you're being ungrateful at all. I just think you're recognizing that what's going on right now isn't helping you.

    Also I'm not sure if your support system are professionals or not, but perhaps (if you haven't already) seeking professional help may aid to guide you in the direction you want to head toward because they tend to have experience with that sort of thing.

    That's my take and all I have on it. Hope it made sense. Take care.

    Cariad_Bach likes this.
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