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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by findsomeonetocarryyou, Nov 30, 2011.

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  1. I have lost everything: my friends, my job, my looks, my material possessions, my reputation. I have basically not gotten out of bed for the last 4 months. I can not stop having constant intense fantasies about suicide! However I still do have a loving family. My parents and my sister. And killing myself is just not an option because of them. My parents abused me in every way possible except sexual while I was growing up however they have changed a lot over the years as has my relationship with them. I also have a sister who I love but I don't have much of a relationship with her because she is a successful 24 yo a law student and I am a 27 yo loser. I have been cutting myself a lot but basically I don't think I am actually going to die because it would destroy them.

    I need help. Like I said I can not get out of bed. I can not be around people or I will throw up. I have been diagnosed with many things from borderline personality to bipolar but I haven't been in therapy since my teens. My life has been one horrible decision after another and I am paralyzed. I was in a long term mental hospital when I was 16 and it helped me a lot. I would very much like to go back to a hospital like that. I just can't seem to find a way out of the darkness. My family has been completely supporting me financially these 4 months and I hate to ask them for money for help but I just don't know what to do. I have tried to force myself to go to therapy or an outpatient program but I can't leave the house. Aside from the financial question my family lives half the country away so I don't know what to do with my stuff if I go into the hospital. My mom will not pay for the apartment if I am not here. And the biggest problem I suppose is my cat! My cat is my lifeline and I can not put him in a shelter and no there is no one here to take care of him.

    So please, please I beg of you, anonymous internet in all of your collective wisdom please tell me what to do. Please don't say things like, "think positive!" because it is really beyond that. I wish I could write about how intense and explicit my suicidal feelings have become but I don't know if that's allowed here. But if you have seen the movies Martyrs or Cutting Moments that will give you some idea. I need some direct advice, like do a, call b, and go to c. Please help. I just don't know what to do anymore.
  2. MorganaNever

    MorganaNever Well-Known Member

    Hi. I am no wiser then you, but I would love to talk to you and understand you.

    I think what is important is for you to know you don't have to compare now to average standards of what people should have at whatever point in their life. To get up you will need so much patience and if your environment can't understand it, try not to let their comments and ideas get to you.

    Tell me more, if you want, what decisions do you think have really ruined most things for you? Don't overwhelm yourself with life, start taking it bit by bit.

    Maybe hospital isn't a bad idea as a starting point, cause sometimes you simply can't do it yourself and to even start you need to let someone else help you.

    Tell me more about your story, what do you think really ruined everything you had, was it actual events or pure state of mind (I know it is all connected)? Hopefully if we talk more we can see where to start with.

    These are two thoughts that help me a bit when I feel Ill choke: remember that nothing is determined yet and your future is still completely blank (it helps me cause then I stop feeling life is a movie and Im being pushed towards sure destruction), and don't panic.
  3. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    First off - my intense sympathies. I wish I could add more eloquently to this statement but it seems trite to say more.

    I think what you said about not knowing what to do is important - I think if you approach your parents with this basic principle they may have advice. Also I think bearing in mind what you've said -I would ask your parents to take you to an emergency room.

    Wanting to kill oneself is the surest sign that you are unwell - to my mind - medical attention makes the most sense. With the greatest of respect - things like your apartment and finances can wait when your health is so fragile.
  4. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you found us.
    I think you need to prioritize what's going on, and what your options are. How does your cat get fed, litterbox changed, etc? For you to do those things is a good start, but your mental health is more important.

    There may be a local mental health organization (possibly run by the county or state) that can help, sometimes there are outpatient programs, or they can refer you to an organization that will work with you.

    If you can present your parents with some sort of outline of what you want to accomplish through treatment, they may be more receptive.

    And keep coming back here, you can get lots of support and encouragement, also I think there are probably several people here who have experienced the same thing.
  5. crystalclear

    crystalclear Well-Known Member

    I honestly don't know what to say but I'll try to convey my thoughts..... you're going through a very hard time and it seems that words are not enough to comfort you.

    First, you shouldn't call yourself a loser. You're going through a tough time and you need help. That does not make you a loser.

    Family will always be family, maybe if you talk to your parents about how you want their help to get better, then they'll understand your situation. About the fact that you would not want to burden them, I don't think you should worry about that right now. You could always repay them when you get better.

    Talk to someone (us :handinhand: ) if you not comfortable around other people then maybe you could start online, befriend someone because talking to someone about your problems really help a lot.
  6. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member

    Sending heartfelt hugs and friendship, FSTCY. You've definitely come to the right place. I think it's safe to say that you will never hear "think positive!" (gag) in SF. We're "birds of a feather" here, and we understand from experience that it's never that simple. I want you to know that I truly feel your pain, and I truly care. I'm so glad that despite the history of abuse in your family, you seem to feel love and support from them. That helps, but I think it's obvious that professional help is what you really need right now. Do you have health insurance? If not, I understand. I'm in the same boat. But if you do, I would definitely call and find out what they will cover. It may be more than you think. As for what is not covered, most hospitals will work with you on a payment plan. But whether or not you have insurance, something tells me that it would be worth it to your parents to get you what you need to feel better. All you can do is ask. No matter what you do, I hope that you will continue reaching out through SF. And please count me among the many friends here who truly care and believe in you. :console:
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