I have lost everything: my friends, my job, my looks, my material possessions, my reputation. I have basically not gotten out of bed for the last 4 months. I can not stop having constant intense fantasies about suicide! However I still do have a loving family. My parents and my sister. And killing myself is just not an option because of them. My parents abused me in every way possible except sexual while I was growing up however they have changed a lot over the years as has my relationship with them. I also have a sister who I love but I don't have much of a relationship with her because she is a successful 24 yo a law student and I am a 27 yo loser. I have been cutting myself a lot but basically I don't think I am actually going to die because it would destroy them. I need help. Like I said I can not get out of bed. I can not be around people or I will throw up. I have been diagnosed with many things from borderline personality to bipolar but I haven't been in therapy since my teens. My life has been one horrible decision after another and I am paralyzed. I was in a long term mental hospital when I was 16 and it helped me a lot. I would very much like to go back to a hospital like that. I just can't seem to find a way out of the darkness. My family has been completely supporting me financially these 4 months and I hate to ask them for money for help but I just don't know what to do. I have tried to force myself to go to therapy or an outpatient program but I can't leave the house. Aside from the financial question my family lives half the country away so I don't know what to do with my stuff if I go into the hospital. My mom will not pay for the apartment if I am not here. And the biggest problem I suppose is my cat! My cat is my lifeline and I can not put him in a shelter and no there is no one here to take care of him. So please, please I beg of you, anonymous internet in all of your collective wisdom please tell me what to do. Please don't say things like, "think positive!" because it is really beyond that. I wish I could write about how intense and explicit my suicidal feelings have become but I don't know if that's allowed here. But if you have seen the movies Martyrs or Cutting Moments that will give you some idea. I need some direct advice, like do a, call b, and go to c. Please help. I just don't know what to do anymore.