Helping Myself to Help Her

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by hooverian, Mar 22, 2014.

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  1. hooverian

    hooverian New Member

    I'm new here and I'm not really sure where to post this as it considers the suicidal feelings of more than one person. But anyway this is the situation. I have myself had thoughts of self harm for quite a while now and about 3 years ago on Christmas Eve I seriously thought about taking my own life. I have never told anyone about this before as I do not want people to worry about me.

    Now, about a year ago I stated talking to someone online and eventually became very good friends with them and even developed a crush on them. They began to tell me about themselves and their own life and revealed that they had a condition that would mean that they would eventually become completely paralysed within the near future. Through this and a number of other factors they were very depressed and suicidal. I became extremely worried about them and I still cannot stop thinking about what will happen to them if I do not help them. I have stayed up night after night trying to stop them from taking there own life but I myself have been on the point of ending mine, and I have begun to self harm, and spend most nights in a state of distress.

    I have told them that I want to try and help them, but they keep telling me that they'll be alright and will get by, yet every time they tell me they are going to give up and then disappear offline, its everything I can do to stop myself from ending my own life, as I feel that I have failed them yet again and I would never be able to recover from losing them.

    The both of us feel we cannot talk to any doctors or ring a suicide helpline, so this is why I've turned to here for help. I want to make her believe that she can make it through and in doing so, so can I.
  2. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Sadly, the most effective way to get better is to talk to a Doctor. While peer to peer support such as this can help with the down times and be of benefit to reduce the loneliness and isolation often associated with depression, it is no substitute for professional help on the road to recovery. If you happen t be one of the rare individuals able to do it by yourself without any additional supports then that is great, but that would definitely be a rarity. I am unsure why your friend does not want to talk to a doctor as she clearly talks with a doctor a lot based on the other issues , and personal experience with my Doctor tells me that discussions of depression and coping with severe and terminal diagnosis referral to counselling and support groups is fairly standard.

    The best thing you can do for both you and your friend is concentrate your efforts on making yourself better and worry about her only in as much as it is not having a negative effect on you. I will also caution that if you have never met this person in person, then allowing yourself to become overly upset by anything being said online can be a mistake. I offer this caution to all, even people you may meet here as internet messages and discussions have a very high rate of exaggeration if not blatant deceit.

    Take Care and Be Safe

  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hi. I have a cousin who was quite unhappy. Suffice to say she did not look at the positive of things. when she was in her 30s she got MS. As the years and decades passed, she became lighter and more positive. Now she cannot move her body at all. With the exception of her head.

    Her days of not being in a wheelchair or in bed are long gone. And yet, she is profoundly positive and loving. So with the right help, inspiration and desire, even this disease that has lead to parallysis has led my cousin to open her heart in a way that is remarkable. What a changed person she is. The disease was and is a terrible limitation for her. And also had the potential to help her to open a door that was previously shut. It was her decision to make. And she chose the way of the heart.

    I used to go to Al-Anon. I remember they always used to talk about getting help yourself if you ever want the other person to get help. Even then it is not a guarantee they will reach out for help. But the success stories were much more apparant with those who chose to work on things themselves. It seemed the other person would often have a much greater chance of getting on board themselves once they saw that the other person was working on their own stuff.

    Either way, I really recommend you get help for yourself. It is often the only way to 1) not be dragged down further 2) help the other person by your own actions. When words do not suffice. Remember the story of what the flight attendnts say to passengers. In the event of an emergency put on your own mask before you try to help someone else put on theirs.

    Glad you are here. This is a good place to come to not feel alone and get some support re next step to take. Do you have a therapist or counselor you can talking with about this? If not, would it be possible to find someone? To help yourself. So the other person can see this as an inspiration to reach out themselves. I do believe that we can only help others to the extent that we have helped ourselves.

    For what its worth, I totally agree with what NYJmpMaster said. I think his words have a lot of wisdom. Ultimatly the only person you can have total power over helping Right?
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 22, 2014
  4. hooverian

    hooverian New Member

    I forgot to mention a lot of people in my close family are suffering or have suffered from depression, caused by many different factors, such as illness, work etc. This means that people in my family have gone to talk to therapists but they still haven't recovered and at one point a social worker came to work with our family. But although they were the first person to ever acknowledge my existence and realise that I might be affected by this, all they did, apart from making me physically sick with dread at the fact I'd have to talk to them when I returned home from school, was write up a report and dismiss our case, and said that there was no problem. This on top of being prescribed medicines as a child that never seemed to work, has led to my complete distrust of doctors or any sort of therapists. I also do not want to worry my family and my friends with my problems.
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