Discussion in 'Welcome' started by eternum, Sep 2, 2014.

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  1. eternum

    eternum New Member

    Hi there all!

    I'm going to be 32 in October. Been warring with suicidal tendencies since I was 13. My last and final attempt was in 2007. Had a profound, pro-life moment during those hours when it was just me and the abyss. Does it mean my suicidal tendencies and dark feelings ceased haunting my footsteps? Absolutely not. But it may as well be carved in stone that I won't do anything to force my death before my time.

    Which leads me to last night. I found this forum via Google when I was in a funk.

    This is the odd Batman Syndrome about my life, nowadays. I'm the strong one. There's no situation too dark or heavy, no fear. I can roll up my sleeves and dive in. I am helping others all the time, talked people out of suicide that I hardly knew. My own endurance through my pain and secrets has created this inner strength that others are drawn to and lean on.

    It's a double life. Emotionally speaking, I seem together, grounded, safe, solid. I care when others won't. I refuse to be apathetic or complacent, and I refuse to get caught up in my own problems. People assume that I'm open, assume I'm not carrying anything heavy.

    The end result? I'm on Google looking up suicide when my strength falters. I don't have a single connection in my life that actually meets my needs. I don't need someone to have had similar experience to mine, I just need someone around that doesn't panic, flail, deny, brush off, run, fall apart, give me useless generic bad advice, or--the worst one--play enabler to my darker tendencies.

    I'm wondering if anyone else has ended up with this sort of double life? Any thoughts? Anything?

    Thanks for reading. :)
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Many many of us put on that mask a nd play a different part i am one of them oh yes carer for so many but unable to carry my own pain and do not want to put it onto others
  3. Null

    Null Well-Known Member

    Hello eternum, welcome to the forums.

    I just turned 32 (a few days ago) and for the most part everyone thinks I have my life together. Sometimes I think I have my life together, but the reality is far from evident.

    On the outside I have a good job, somewhat successful career, nice car, nice apartment, loving pet and loving family. But on the inside it is a completely different story. On the inside I feel like a failure. I'm scared out of my mind and I want to end it all.

    Just this morning, the same familiar issues popup at work and my first course of action is to panic. The second is to think about how to end it all. When approached at work it is all “Oh don’t worry, we will figure it out!” At home the world is crashing down around me.

    Sorry, I guess I don’t have much to add to the conversation. I just wanted to say, it’s not easy and you are not alone.
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