Hi there all! I'm going to be 32 in October. Been warring with suicidal tendencies since I was 13. My last and final attempt was in 2007. Had a profound, pro-life moment during those hours when it was just me and the abyss. Does it mean my suicidal tendencies and dark feelings ceased haunting my footsteps? Absolutely not. But it may as well be carved in stone that I won't do anything to force my death before my time. Which leads me to last night. I found this forum via Google when I was in a funk. This is the odd Batman Syndrome about my life, nowadays. I'm the strong one. There's no situation too dark or heavy, no fear. I can roll up my sleeves and dive in. I am helping others all the time, talked people out of suicide that I hardly knew. My own endurance through my pain and secrets has created this inner strength that others are drawn to and lean on. It's a double life. Emotionally speaking, I seem together, grounded, safe, solid. I care when others won't. I refuse to be apathetic or complacent, and I refuse to get caught up in my own problems. People assume that I'm open, assume I'm not carrying anything heavy. The end result? I'm on Google looking up suicide when my strength falters. I don't have a single connection in my life that actually meets my needs. I don't need someone to have had similar experience to mine, I just need someone around that doesn't panic, flail, deny, brush off, run, fall apart, give me useless generic bad advice, or--the worst one--play enabler to my darker tendencies. I'm wondering if anyone else has ended up with this sort of double life? Any thoughts? Anything? Thanks for reading.