Helpless and desperate

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Peeved_Dragon, Jan 31, 2015.

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  1. Peeved_Dragon

    Peeved_Dragon New Member

    I've never come out in the open and really shared my thoughts. I guess I just need to get it all out before I snap and do something stupid.

    A first look at me, and you'd probably think I'm one of those happy-go lucky type girls, which is all just a big facade I'm far from it. I'm not okay.
    I've been suffering from depression for as long as I can remember...6th grade and probably earlier. It was probably the day I was big enough to understand that I was actually molested as a kid. I still have those flashbacks almost everyday, which makes it really hard for me to live normally. I feel like I'm damaged, impure and just not worth anything in general.

    No one knows. Not my parents not my brothers. They aren't very understanding... in other words they do not care. My mom wanted to leave me in the hospital the day I was born. She told me that one day. She didn't want me, she just wanted to up and leave me in a trashcan because my father didn't care for her. Words from the person you try so very hard your whole life for them to accept you ...just unbelievably hurts in words you cannot describe. It made me feel unloved and unwanted.

    What my family does know is I've been suicidal, my mom read my diary one day when I was in 6th grade came to school during lunch break and slapped me in front of everyone. The pain the humiliation...
    Its been downhill for me ever since. Depression mounting up further, I repeated a grade, I was forced to accept the ridicule, the taunting and to see all my friends in another class and very soon they abandoned me.
    I try to see the bright side of life, but it was just endless disappointments after disappointments for me. I accepted it as a part of my life, I had no blessings I could give thanks for.
    My mother is more than eager to get rid of me, wants to get me married to the first guy that comes our way, which might as well be forced prostitution.
    I am Indian, and they believe in the concept of arranged marriage. I don't think I can live with any man, I am too damaged. I am scared and too mistrustful of men. I have never been in love, never had a boyfriend either. I would never see a psychologist or accept counselling because that is just one step away from a mental institution in my society.
    I was caught for malpractice in my university exams which made my parents further ashamed of me. I'm not able to get a job and I sit at home day after day my resolve to try and live weakening.
    I'm now 22 years old and I am unable to study to further better my future. My thoughts are too overwhelming for me to remotely concentrate on anything.

    I am just broken and desperate for nothing. I really don't know where to go on from here..
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    welcome to the forum. Sorry to hear that you are in.a.state. You are young and.your life is important.

    Yes, your days are hard and the peer pressure from your parents is not nice. Remember YOU ARE IMPORTANT and YOU MUST REMEMBER THAT.

    I understand from your cultural background it's going to be hard to leave your parents but.the important thing is your safety. Is there any women refuge organization you can contact in private.

    The emotional abuse from.your parents is not nice and you should be treated fairly. You need to be strong within yourself. I understand it's hard at the moment but you have to deal.with on a day by day basis. I understand there is cultural difference but your well-being is paramount.

    It's a very difficult situation you are in but please remain calm and safe. You life is important and we can help you through this tough time. YOU ARE NOT ON YOUR OWN, JUST REMEMBER THAT.

    We can help you as long as keep posting here. I know you are crying tears of pain but we understand. You have done nothing wrong and you feel that your the world is crumbling. Let me re-assure you have us and we will help YOU. You are not alone.

    I know it's hard to remain positive but please take some comfort from these words I.write. I feel your pain and it's not nice but just think someone in the world does care for you.

    Do not worry now, just deal.with one problem at a time. You can PM anytime to talk in private. Don't worry now my friend.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 31, 2015
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