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Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by swimmergirl, Oct 7, 2010.

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  1. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    This is fucking hell. I am falling apart and I don't know what to do anymore, please help me.

    Every time I think of my father I suddenly get a weird feeling in my mouth, then a wave of repulsion comes over me and I feel like I am going to vomit.
    I remember that first time I saw his flaccid, uncircumcised penis. Now all I see in my head is a ball of wrinkled up skin with white milky stuff at the end of it. The penis was long and hard and always near my mouth. I also see a hand guiding it. But that was all I saw because I had to immediately close my eyes; the thought of it being my father’s penis is beyond what I can describe to another human being.

    I am not even looking at him, my eyes are closed and then I feel this warm wet feeling. AFterwards he takes me naked and carries me and stands me in front of the mirror on the back of the bathroom door. He says you are so beautiful. I close my eyes ashamed of my naked body. He makes me look at myself, I hate myself and I am only 8 years old. He keeps saying, Why are you afraid your such a good girl. He keeps rubbing his dick, but I close my eyes and seems like long time but he finally takes me back to my room and puts my p.j's back on and tucks me in with a kiss on the cheek. I don't think I slept at all that night, I felt like I had literally gone crazy, I no longer felt like I knew what was real and what was a dream. I felt so lost, and I still feel that way. I feel so broken, and like I will never be able to be put back together again. I am just broken, garbage, permanently damaged, just disgusting. He's disgusting, and so am I.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You were very helpless at that age you are NOT now he is the useless piece of shit not you get it HE is the useless piece of garbage you are a beautiful young lady please keep saying that okay
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    He is disgusting....not you..
    I can't even imagine how terrible it was /is for you...
    violet is right ..keep telling yourself you are a beautiful young lady and believe it..
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 7, 2010
  4. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    I just want to die because i can't stop thinking about all this shit. I can't do this any more. sorry for being so weak.
  5. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    keep fighting it ..don't let him win.....
    I understand how hard it is to get horrific images to stop ( I wish I could do it)
    I don't know the answer....
    just wanted to give you a *hug*
  6. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    :hug: swimmergirl :hug:

    I'm so sorry for what your father did to you at such a young age. It wasn't your fault. You have to understand that. :hug:
  7. mantrou

    mantrou New Member

    there must be something wrong in his head to do this to anybody, especially his own daughter. fathers should be protectors, not the ones needing protection from.

    Keep hanging on and don't give up, you can make it through. it may not be easy, but you can do it. a good song helps me. whenever you get a flashback or feel sick, take out that song and plug you life into it. live in that song until you live like that song. all you have to do is find the right music.
    my song? "Read my Mind" - The Killers
  8. rounder63

    rounder63 New Member

    Like everyone here this is saddening to hear. I can understand your repulsion and disgust at his actions... but try to understand his problem. He has a sickness and you were a victim. There is nothing you could have done. The next step is going to be hard beyond belief, but i think u must come to the realization that what he did was wrong and u should just believe that he is sorry and try your best to forgive him. never forget though and stay strong.

    i whole heartedly wish u the best
  9. kalii

    kalii New Member

    unfortunatly it happend to you ..you were unlucky to have such a monster coward like him as a father...it was never your fault..it must be very very hard for you but i think by sharing this horrible nightmare and talking bout it, shows how brave and strong you are even if you dont realise it..i know it very easy for us to tell you dont dwell on it and move on..it not that simple but you really can rebuild your life and i hope that you can start to enjoy your existence..
    lots of love xxxx
  10. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    You are not the one that is disgusting! You did absolutely nothing wrong, and could not have stopped it.
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