Helpless

So I have had my gorgeous fiance over for the past week. He is asleep next to me as I write this. When he is here he keeps me calm and keeps me sane but he goes home tomorrow. He says he doubt he will be able to see me again for a month. He knows how much I am struggling at the moment. He has held me tight all week and has really looked after me. I feel useless because I have had to go to work and placement while he has been here and now I know I wont see him for a while I feel guilty for not making the most of my time with him. I know and he knows I havent been my usual self because of how I have been feeling of late and it makes me feel ten times worse that I am putting him through all this. I am feeling extra shitty as theres a family feud going on and somehow my names been dragged in and now my uncles ex gf has cut off all ties with my cousins. One of my cousins is extremely ill with a rare lung disease and nows shes been taken away from me and I cant contact her I would never be able to live with myself if something ever happened to her. I am lying here with my heart pounding thinking of ways to hurt myself when my fiance goes home. I cant go anywhere now without thinking about how I could die and plan my suicide. I dont know what to do anymore and I feel so stuck. I feel totally helpless.

 

Tell him Lexi, either ask him to stay, let him offer or travel down and stay with him.
I hope you have the strength to talk a little to him too, love is the most powerful thing in the world.
You have a great future ahead of you, i know you have study and money to earn, but your health is more important.
Planning your death is a negative thought, turn it into a positive one and plan your future instead.
Perhaps have another look at what is troubling you so much, i know we have talked of this before, but without intention nothing will change.
You are a lovely young woman, you love your boyfriend very much and he does you, try to hold on to that. Please.

 

Pete summed up everything I wanted to say - you are an immensely strong person and if you can use your fiance in a more supportive way, there's no doubt you can come through this.

Here to talk if you need...

 

I wish I could ask him to stay but he has got assignment deadlines and a month of exams coming up. I know this break has to be done because his education is important. I wish I knew what was troubling me Pete. I wish I could pin it on something but I cant. I do have a few family problems going on atbpresent though. It is not the root cause but it is shit to add to the pile I guess. Just fed up of everything.

 

Your user name is very apt.
You are just wrapped in the cocoon stage right now.
I reckon its the caterpillar stage you havent moved on from yet.
If you make that space and clear your mind a little, one day a lovely thing will occur.
Don't seek happiness Lexi, just try to get some contentment as and when you can.
I think you have to cast away the old easily pushed around Lexi and become firm but fair.
As long as you are always nice to yourself and others you can do no wrong.
Rewards.........endless

 

Lexi, I have to say that I agree completely with everything Pete has mentioned here and to make the most of things. Look at things in a positive light, you have mentioned that you have a fiance that loves you, that has cherished the time they have spent with you and also have made sure that you are safe. I think that goes to show how much they love and care for you and I know that you feel the same way about him. Keeping all these positives in mind should help keep your mind off any negative thoughts that you might have. As was mentioned, plan your future, plan what you would like to do for the next time you see him. You have everyone here to support you hun as well as myself included and you have your placement which should also keep you well busy. I'm a PM away if you need to talk. :hug: