Safety & Support
So I have had my gorgeous fiance over for the past week. He is asleep next to me as I write this. When he is here he keeps me calm and keeps me sane but he goes home tomorrow. He says he doubt he will be able to see me again for a month. He knows how much I am struggling at the moment. He has held me tight all week and has really looked after me. I feel useless because I have had to go to work and placement while he has been here and now I know I wont see him for a while I feel guilty for not making the most of my time with him. I know and he knows I havent been my usual self because of how I have been feeling of late and it makes me feel ten times worse that I am putting him through all this. I am feeling extra shitty as theres a family feud going on and somehow my names been dragged in and now my uncles ex gf has cut off all ties with my cousins. One of my cousins is extremely ill with a rare lung disease and nows shes been taken away from me and I cant contact her I would never be able to live with myself if something ever happened to her. I am lying here with my heart pounding thinking of ways to hurt myself when my fiance goes home. I cant go anywhere now without thinking about how I could die and plan my suicide. I dont know what to do anymore and I feel so stuck. I feel totally helpless.