Her and I .

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by pisces1, Jan 27, 2014.

  1. pisces1

    pisces1 Well-Known Member

    It is interesting how the mind reacts to things that happen to you. I think the thing that makes me mad is that I have never been one to dwell on things. Things happen and I just move on. Like my childhood and the things that happen to me. I have never sat around feeling sorry for myself because I had a bad childhood and truly I dont have very many memories of it. But five years ago it seemed like all this past shit just hit me like a mac truck. All the sudden I started remembering things I wish I had not. It is like someone busted the bubble I guess I have been living in my whole life and now I clearly see just how ugly people an my husband were to me. It is hard not to have any control over your own mind an emotions and feeling like you never will again, that scares me. It makes me mad to because I think my husband sees when I start feeling stronger and more confident. When i do he dose everything he can to put me back in that scared weak state of mind were I cant function. I wish I knew how to fight this and not let my past and him keep me in this paralyzed state of mind, but i am so mentally and physically exhausted. There are days when she ( the sad and scared little girl in me ) comes out. Hopefully i can figure out when she dose so i can calm her down because she pushes others away that are trying to help me.I know she just needs love, love she never got when she was little but she making things hard for us both. The more I think about it, I think what is going on with me is just as much about her as what is going on in my life right now. I think I have been guarding her and her secrets all these years. Only letting her out to play when I felt it was safe. When it was just me and her or my kids were there to help me entertain her. We played with her. Singing , dancing, running , playing games and giggling. All the things she was never allowed to do. I felt so happy, inside and out. I think maybe because of what my husband did to me I am afraid to let her out anymore because I dont want her to get hurt again. I dont want her to feel anymore pain because she suffered so much. I think that to is why I am so numb. I dont want her to feel the horrible pain I am trying to block out. The thing is. That unbearable physical pain that I feel in my heart, that makes me want to die. I think that is her. She is sad I wont let her out anymore. So now she is all alone in the dark scared and crying. I feel so bad to because I do think she is feeling my pain and she is having to suffer all over again and she dose not deserve that, she has enough pain of her own to last her a lifetime. That is where that agonizing pain I feel at times comes from. It is her pain and mine.I try so hard to tell her everything will be ok and that I am trying my hardest to protect us both. But I think she knows how tired and confused I have become and that scares her even more because if I dont find a way to get it together she knows we will both be done for. I think sometimes she sneaks out because she is so lonely, but when she dose ,I dont know it because I am exhausted. I dont think she is a little girl anymore, I think she is almost 16. That is when my mom kicked me out if the house, said it was my fault my dad was still a drunk. I do not have any memories of my mom from when I was little up to that day. I think when she sneaks out she dose not know how to trust people. I think to that she tries to protect us both and ends up behaving badly towards others to scare them away. Maybe she just wants me to play with her and dosent want anyone else around. I dont know how to entertain a 16 year old. I dont know how to comfort her or myself anymore. Guess that is were alcohol and my meds come in. I think to that I am very angry with her for chasing everyone away because I know we need help. I think she is just as angry with me for not letting her out anymore. I think if we dont get help soon we will end up destroying each other and die. What am I suppose to do ? If I try to get help again she will just chase them away again.
     
  2. AnnieK

    AnnieK Well-Known Member

    when you say "get help" do you mean therapy? hospital? you mentioned meds, so i assume you have a psychiatrist. for many years i was the one who totally had gotten over an abusive childhood. i had disdain for those that hadn't, and such false pride that i was stronger than them. and then the walls came crashing down probably a couple of years ago. major depression, borderline SH back, 2 hospitalizations in 2 years, then therapy and psychiatrist none of which works. when the childhood shit hit i started yelling at her to leave me alone. that she was holding me down, couldn't she see we made it to adulthood. then the therapist suggested i speak kindly to her, take care of her, tell her she's ok nobody's gonna hurt her ever again, because i would protect her. now i feel like i've regressed and I AM her. i can't function, stand up for myself, take care of myself, and just hurt every day. i don't know the solution to this. i started going to some adult children of alcoholics meetings, which sorta helped and then got some workbook to do, but i just looked thru it and put it away. someone suggested a trauma therapist but i am so far gone i don't know if that'll work.

    i think i can relate to what you're feeling. i'm alienating everyone again. on short term leave from work. don't even care. i'm tired of trying to take care of her and am starting to believe the child within crap is just crap. that i'm just fucking unable to deal in the real world. that i'm just weak.

    sorry if this isn't helping. i'm not being very positive and i'm sorry. i just wondered if you've tried anything before that worked with the inner child and if so can you try it again?

    i wish you well. and care for you as i know what you're going thru.
     
  3. pisces1

    pisces1 Well-Known Member

    I do not have a psychiatrist. The meds i mentioned are for a back injury. I have not had the means and still do not to seek professional help regarding childhood abuse or the abuse from my husband. I have been hospitalized three times for suicidal issues, one for attempt 6 months ago. These had to do with my husband abusing me sexually. What little i have been able to see of doctors has left me unwilling to ever go back even though i know i belong in the hospital as i write this. trying to deal with past and present abuse has left me unable to do anything to help myself anymore. I have tried in the past but no one understands when you have no one to turn to , family or friends it is impossible to leave an abusive marriage when you are mentally fucked up from a life that has been filled with nothing but abuse. I just dont feel like a human being anymore. As far as the inner child stuff. i do believe from what i have read that to some extent my emotions are that of a child at times. I sense a different me when i attempt to communicate with others which is not very often. I am grasping at straws right now to at least understand why i am the way i am in an attempt not to blame myself for being a failure at life and to give myself reasons to keep holding on. I do very much appreciate you response as it helps to know i am not the only one struggling with this stuff. I will tell you that i do not think you or i are weak. It takes a very strong individual to endure and survive abuse. WE are just tired.

    Sending you Peace and Light
    Take care
     
  4. AnnieK

    AnnieK Well-Known Member

    very tired. thx for writing all of that. let's stay in touch.
     
  5. pisces1

    pisces1 Well-Known Member

    You are welcome. Pm me if ever you would like. Take care