It is interesting how the mind reacts to things that happen to you. I think the thing that makes me mad is that I have never been one to dwell on things. Things happen and I just move on. Like my childhood and the things that happen to me. I have never sat around feeling sorry for myself because I had a bad childhood and truly I dont have very many memories of it. But five years ago it seemed like all this past shit just hit me like a mac truck. All the sudden I started remembering things I wish I had not. It is like someone busted the bubble I guess I have been living in my whole life and now I clearly see just how ugly people an my husband were to me. It is hard not to have any control over your own mind an emotions and feeling like you never will again, that scares me. It makes me mad to because I think my husband sees when I start feeling stronger and more confident. When i do he dose everything he can to put me back in that scared weak state of mind were I cant function. I wish I knew how to fight this and not let my past and him keep me in this paralyzed state of mind, but i am so mentally and physically exhausted. There are days when she ( the sad and scared little girl in me ) comes out. Hopefully i can figure out when she dose so i can calm her down because she pushes others away that are trying to help me.I know she just needs love, love she never got when she was little but she making things hard for us both. The more I think about it, I think what is going on with me is just as much about her as what is going on in my life right now. I think I have been guarding her and her secrets all these years. Only letting her out to play when I felt it was safe. When it was just me and her or my kids were there to help me entertain her. We played with her. Singing , dancing, running , playing games and giggling. All the things she was never allowed to do. I felt so happy, inside and out. I think maybe because of what my husband did to me I am afraid to let her out anymore because I dont want her to get hurt again. I dont want her to feel anymore pain because she suffered so much. I think that to is why I am so numb. I dont want her to feel the horrible pain I am trying to block out. The thing is. That unbearable physical pain that I feel in my heart, that makes me want to die. I think that is her. She is sad I wont let her out anymore. So now she is all alone in the dark scared and crying. I feel so bad to because I do think she is feeling my pain and she is having to suffer all over again and she dose not deserve that, she has enough pain of her own to last her a lifetime. That is where that agonizing pain I feel at times comes from. It is her pain and mine.I try so hard to tell her everything will be ok and that I am trying my hardest to protect us both. But I think she knows how tired and confused I have become and that scares her even more because if I dont find a way to get it together she knows we will both be done for. I think sometimes she sneaks out because she is so lonely, but when she dose ,I dont know it because I am exhausted. I dont think she is a little girl anymore, I think she is almost 16. That is when my mom kicked me out if the house, said it was my fault my dad was still a drunk. I do not have any memories of my mom from when I was little up to that day. I think when she sneaks out she dose not know how to trust people. I think to that she tries to protect us both and ends up behaving badly towards others to scare them away. Maybe she just wants me to play with her and dosent want anyone else around. I dont know how to entertain a 16 year old. I dont know how to comfort her or myself anymore. Guess that is were alcohol and my meds come in. I think to that I am very angry with her for chasing everyone away because I know we need help. I think she is just as angry with me for not letting her out anymore. I think if we dont get help soon we will end up destroying each other and die. What am I suppose to do ? If I try to get help again she will just chase them away again.