I have an intimate relationship with my best friend. It has been this way for 6 years. When we were first young and experiencing life I was submerged into her world by discovering the world of females loving females. Her mothers are very dear to me, and when I could not take my family they took me in as their own every time. I have my very first real Christmas celebration with them and even though I don't believe in god, it felt really good to be cared for and to have someone to enjoy the falling snow with. My best friend grew with me, through high school, adversity, drugs, alcohol, sex, and depression. We both always had boyfriends for the intimacy part, mostly because of my reluctance to making things weird when she first address me on our mutual feeling of intimate love for each other- more than sisters- maybe even the only girl I've ever loved and the only person I've never felt threatened by. Now that I've grown up and understood what she means to me I regret not letting myself fall in love when I had the chance. I've been compensating for the loss of the one person who gets me, because she's has a life, and since then has moved onto finding her own happiness through another guy, who I introduced her to. They've been together for a year and some months. I've been with my new boyfriend for 8 months but I still find her in my heart in turmoil, but I dare not tell her because she actually seems content this time. Last night on Christmas Eve I've discovered that she was using heroine to cope with life and it scares me. It's a step farther than I've ever gone with drugs and once I was drugged by someone intentionally to make me physically sick through heroine. It was awful and I wonder how she could do it, but it's her life and none of my business so I don't push on her buttons; the last thing I want now is for her to feel I'm attacking her. But I worry, and her boyfriend seems not to because he's been doing it forever, and they seem to understand each other in a way that I can't. So now I'm afraid to turn to her or my lover, ruling out my Family automatically because of avoiding them telling me to pray or to take my Celexa. What I really want is for her to be with me, and for us to not be like we are. But I cannot change people...I can't even change myself.