Her Father

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Hematomania, May 6, 2014.

  1. Hematomania

    Hematomania New Member

    Hey everyone. After years of being alone i finally decided to let a girl love. But the only problem is that we're both 16 and her father is an alchoholic who likes guns and my girlfriend said he was going to pull a gun on me to scare me. Her mom is great and likes me, but her father is stern and mean. I have anger problems and i'm scared im going to go off on him if he pulls a gun because i get nervous and i doint want to stab the guy. I know i would never do anything stupid because my dad is a cop and wouldnt let me do anything stupid. I really like this girl and want things to go right. Can anyone lend me a hand in things to say or do to help ease my nerves? Any help would be appreciated. Thanks.
     
  2. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Hello Daniel. I am encouraged by you reaching out. I am also encouraged by your desire to do the right thing. I am a mother and I have a son. So I am going to give you the same advice that I will be giving my own son someday. He is four now so it will be a while. :)

    First; I will teach my son what fathers want for their daughters.
    They want a young man that can respect their position as a father. First and foremost. Why? Because their position is to protect their daughters honor. And this is an honorable task that rests with them. That's their baby girl and they are not going to let anyone ruin her life in any way. (Not saying you will)

    They want a young man with a plan for the future. What are your hopes and goals for your future? My husband will reject anyone that isn't an honest hard worker. He wants to trust that his daughter will have a secure life with the man who wants to just talk to her. Why? Because my husband is a hard worker, and his dedication is to the woman he loves, and the family they make together.

    Third and just because this is third doesn't mean it doesn't trump the others in importance. Fathers want a stable young man that will respect their daughters choices when it comes to their bodies. I am not assuming anything about you here. What she allows: hugs, kisses, holding hands, etc. That is her choice and you are to respect that if you want to date a man's daughter.

    Lastly; a father will want a young man with a good character to date his daughter. One that is patient, kind, respectful, and one who has a cool head when it comes to arguments. As a parent we know that relationships are hard work. We would be naive to believe that there will never be some kind of disagreement. It is inevitable, but a father wants to trust that when this situation comes up; the guy his daughter is seeing will not lose self-control and hurt her or anyone or thing else in anger. No matter the age this is traumatizing for a girl or woman. I know this from personal experience.

    Second; I will teach my son how to win a father over. If he truly cares for a girl; he will take things extremely slow, and respectful. He will have to ask her father for permission to even talk to her. Why? This is respectful and it assures him, father, that you do not have any ill intentions. It also shows good character. I will teach my son to make a plan for his life financially. The woman he is with needs stability in all situations. And for him to work hard to get there through his schooling. I will encourage him to share these things with the father of the girl or woman he likes. Always open doors for the girl because its a small way to make her feel special. Keep a comfortable distance from her when you see her. Too close and it gives the wrong idea. Wait until the dad says you can go on a date. Accept it happily if he wants you to go on one that is chaperoned; its a nice way for each of you to get to know one another. This will also help with temptation from hormones.


    Now this next part is something I will stress a lot when my children are old enough. Look at your crush as though you were interviewing them to be your possible husband or wife. Study their parents and see what type of upbringing they have had. Do not act as though you are married (sex) and it won't be as devastating if it doesn't work out. In fact; I am going to teach the importance of saving ones self for marriage. I have two girls and a boy. You may not agree, but I want you to understand so I will explain.

    I am going to tell them that their bodies, and experiences with them is something special. If you wait until you are married it will mean more, and it will be the best gift that you can give to your spouse. An adventure that you saved to experience just with them. I don't assume anything about you nor do I want to know; it's not for me to know. I am just sharing the teaching I am giving to my own children.

    Keep a good attitude, stay clean and presentable, respect your girlfriends parents, treat your relationship in all seriousness. Learn self-control, and get a plan for your life; work hard to achieve it. Look at your girlfriend as a possible wife candidate and take it slow. Get to know her for her. This is the advice I will give to my son.

    I have anger issues. The good news is that it can be fixed; with the desire to do so and effort. Bad anger management is a learned habit. I learned it from my step-dad. Slowly but surely and with practice I am slowly getting myself under control. From me to you; Get a hold of it now before it becomes a character trait. Seeing that you are only sixteen you can still accept or reject character traits that you do not want to mold you as an adult. It is a hard habit to break when you have lived with it as long as I have. Trust me. And it can ruin your chances to happiness. If you let it. Forgiveness is the key. Trust that you have control and use it positively. You are at the age of self-exploration. Where you can decide what type pf man you are going to become. Look at all the positive traits of your own father and make it a goal to apply them to your own life. Reject any negative traits in your upbringing. Need help? Look into reading books that will help you get the character you can be proud of. Spiritual books, self-help, etiquette books; all of these are great for character building. There are several programs on the internet to help with your studies if you struggle in anything.

    You may or may not like my advice but I am sure you will be able to find something useful in it. I want only the best for you. :hug:
     
  3. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Also it sounds as though you made a bad first impression with her dad. This can be changed. I encourage you to apologize for any misunderstandings. Assure him you respect him and his family. Especially his daughter. Ask for a second chance to prove yourself. If he says his daughter is too young to date etc. Accept that agreeably with a smile. Tell him you understand. Ask if you can at least be friends that chat on the phone to get to know one another. This a way you can both still grow into the successful adults you are meant to be, and you will have one another to keep company along the way. This can also build a strong relationship if you were to marry one day. Be open and honest with the guy. He was a young man too and you won't get away with anything. Not saying you will try.

    Of course; my advice is optional. But I do hope you consider it. :courage:
     
  4. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    My concern here is that you envisage yourself potentially stabbing someone. If you were dating my daughter that would definitely give me some serious worries. If the father is a mean drunk then the chances are that reasoning with him is going to be basically ineffective and he is not a problem you can control or ameliorate. YOU, on the other hand, have control over yourself and your own future. Seek some help with the anger issues - for your own sake but also the sake of your girlfriend or any future relationships - work on YOUR issues, ignore the father's issues - and move yourself to a place where your only reaction to having a gun pulled on you is to remove yourself to a safe distance and, if appropriate, call the police.
     
  5. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    A drug- or booze-addled person with a weapon of any kind is dangerous. It wouldn't make anything better if the drunk threatened someone and that someone went after the drunk with a weapon of his/her own. Bluntly, if you were to lose it with your gf's father, YOU could be in a great deal of very serious trouble.

    Your gf and her mother are probably trying to figure out what they want to or will do - stay with dad, leave, kick him out if he doesn't get help and stop drinking. He has to figure out what he wants to do about his substance abuse issues.

    My suggestions for you are similar to Freya's in the post above.


    1. Get your own anger management issues under control. Deal with your feelings, control your angry impulses.
    2. Encourage your gf to deal with her issues - she likely has many related to her dad and his problems. (You can be supportive to your gf - kind, caring, encouraging - but only she can resolve the issues in her life.
    3. Avoid contact with her father. Stay out of his sight, stay off his radar.
    4. If you are in his company and he threatens you, your reaction, as Freya noted above, needs to be that you remove yourself to a safe distance and call the police if that's appropriate.