here again

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by silent_chaos, Oct 26, 2012.

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  1. silent_chaos

    silent_chaos Well-Known Member

    It's been a while since I've been here. Last Sept I attempted suicide. I was in the hospital for a week. I didnt know I tried to commit suicide. I didn't know I was alive I was so in and out of it. Memory loss.
    Things have been touch and go as far as new meds go. Atleast I wasn't feeling suicidal.
    I feel like I'm slipping. The days are passing me by like hours, or I completely miss the entire day. Im feeling suicidal.
    I talk to my caseworker tomorrow but if I tell him or even show any sighn I'm feeling harmful, he won't hesitate to turn me in. He won't just let me talk and get my feelings or thoughts out to try and fix them. Instead he gets over dramatic and gives me ultimatums. One being going to CRC. But Im afraid of being away from home to long I freak out.
    I have had a lot of time to think way to much this year. I lost my job because of my suicide attemp, I lost my place to live. I have almost nothing. A few material things.
    do the world a favor and kill yourself
    Screams over and over in my head.
    The only thing I care about is my bird I've had her over 12 years. I care about what happens to her. Sounds sad but thats literally the only person/ soul I havnt driven away. I'm lost, done, tired.
    So here I am again where I know people care, listen, and actually understand.
  2. dragonfly93

    dragonfly93 New Member

    hey Jenn, you know we are all here for you, whenever you need support.

    PM me if you like. i will try to help you, or just listen if you prefer..
    K. xx
  3. silent_chaos

    silent_chaos Well-Known Member

    Thanks! Kayley
    This forum has saved my life more the once.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Jshawn 78 good you are reaching out here hun let go of some of that confusion that sadness here ok hugs to you
  5. silent_chaos

    silent_chaos Well-Known Member

    I really don't understand the concept of leaving the past in the past and get over it, or to learn from it a grow stronger. Sure its in the past but its in your memory just like learning to walk and talk you DON'T forget!
    Im a deep thinker and think of things that other people can't seem to understand. My caseworker always tells me can I word it different for him to understand. But its hard after finding the words to describe my grand/ deep thought, I forget the words I came up to describe the thought. Sometimes I can't even come up with words or how to describe it. It's frustrating. I see both sides of a situation and even a 3 rd side. Resolution/ mediator/ dispute solver. But people don't seem to understand my giberish I seem to be talking. It's like a part of my brain is deep thinking and the other part has no way of putting it into words, but I know there is some deep thinking worth talking about. Am I loosing my mind or becoming delusional.
  6. silent_chaos

    silent_chaos Well-Known Member

    im so stressed. my unemployment is running out in a couple of weeks. ive been looking for work, not as much as i could be. my anxiety is so bad i cant even leave my house. now that the dead line is near its only making me have more anxiety and harder to leave my house. i rather die then be forced to go outside with my anxiety being like this. i have no idea what im going to do.
  7. silent_chaos

    silent_chaos Well-Known Member

    My anxiety is so bad right now. I'm crying because I have to go pick up my meds, a friend is going with me. But I am still overwhelmed. I wish I would just die. I can't take it. It upsets me that its so bad I can't leave the house. I don't know what I'm afraid of. On the other hand I'm stressed cause
    My disability got denied again so now I need to involve a lawyer. That's stressing me out even more. I guess that where some of the anxiety is coming from. I know what its going to be to fight the denial and the only thing I have to fight is the anxiety to get out of the house to get it done.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 5, 2012
  8. silent_chaos

    silent_chaos Well-Known Member

    fuck it who gives a shit. im not worthy of getting advice from people who have been in the same position. 50ish views and 2 posts.
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