hi guys. i've been here a couple of years back. i am forever grateful to all the people who took the time to message me back then and thanks to whom i am still here. but it's all wrong again and i somehow felt i needed to turn to you once more. i don't really know why though - i'm not sure i can be helped anymore. i told you back then i'm the kid who 'has it all' and who 'made it out' of that little town in that little country. i don't deserve any of this - what i have - all the opportunities - if anyone else were in my place they would not be this way. nothing i've even been through can excuse my lame lack of motivation, my spoiled teenager behaviour my crying, my emptiness, even if i'm way past the age i can afford acting like this. how do i do this. i really want to pick myself up, i've been trying for years now, but it never lasts. i recently tried counselling but i gave up because funnily enough my counsellor started feeling sorry for me and looked like they were going to burst out crying - hell i don't deserve to be felt sorry for, i needed help. how did you do it, those of you who managed to get out. what do i need?! what is wrong with me?! do i need a slap , someone to tell me how others have it worse and still go on, how i'm just shallow and have no ambition ; do i need more drama, more shit happening to me so i can start realising everything i have?! how do i get past it, how do i ignore the fact i am so lonely and so different from what i seem to be, how do i stop wanting to be invisible?