here again

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by invisi.ble, Feb 19, 2015.

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  1. invisi.ble

    invisi.ble New Member

    hi guys.

    i've been here a couple of years back. i am forever grateful to all the people who took the time to message me back then and thanks to whom i am still here. but it's all wrong again and i somehow felt i needed to turn to you once more. i don't really know why though - i'm not sure i can be helped anymore. i told you back then i'm the kid who 'has it all' and who 'made it out' of that little town in that little country. i don't deserve any of this - what i have - all the opportunities - if anyone else were in my place they would not be this way. nothing i've even been through can excuse my lame lack of motivation, my spoiled teenager behaviour my crying, my emptiness, even if i'm way past the age i can afford acting like this. how do i do this. i really want to pick myself up, i've been trying for years now, but it never lasts. i recently tried counselling but i gave up because funnily enough my counsellor started feeling sorry for me and looked like they were going to burst out crying - hell i don't deserve to be felt sorry for, i needed help.

    how did you do it, those of you who managed to get out. what do i need?! what is wrong with me?! do i need a slap , someone to tell me how others have it worse and still go on, how i'm just shallow and have no ambition ; do i need more drama, more shit happening to me so i can start realising everything i have?! how do i get past it, how do i ignore the fact i am so lonely and so different from what i seem to be, how do i stop wanting to be invisible?
  2. Jabez

    Jabez Well-Known Member

    Hi invisi.ble;
    I wish I had some answers for you. I hope someone else does.
    I also have a really wonderful life - great husband and kids, good job, nice home. Everything to live for. Anyone would be happy to be me. But so often I can't feel happy. I feel like I'm very ungrateful and don't deserve everything I've got if I can't make the most of it.
    I guess what I've found out is that that is depression. It's an illness. It is horrible. im told it's not my fault, but it sure feels like it is!
    Maybe you could try counselling again? It took me a few tries to find someone I am comfortable with. And there's heaps of different approaches which work for different people in different situations. The approach that was great for me a few years back hasn't been helping this time. But a different one that would have driven me nuts back then is actually working out to be really helpful now!
    Hang in there. And definitely you don't need any more crap, you're dealing with enough with how you are feeling! Be gentle with yourself.
    Hope you find some answers and feel better. Thinking of you
  3. Jabez

    Jabez Well-Known Member

    Not saying that you have a wonderful life... Just that you seem to feel you should be able to do more with the opportunities you have. Sorry...
  4. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    You suffer from depression. With depression, it really does not matter how wonderful or horrible a life somebody has. I guess the only advantage to "having it all" is that it might be a little easier to realize that it is in fact depression instead of being lulled into the the very false belief that if some single thing changed then all the problems would go away (ie if had a girlfriend/boyfriend, if had more money, if wasn't shy, if looked different, if had not been bullied/abused etc). When you lack reasons to put the blame on it is easier to come to the proper and correct conclusion that it is not an issue causing the problem, and it is not you as an individual that is the problem, but rather the real problem is a illness that is nearly always treatable with some combination of medication, counseling, awareness, or lifestyle changes. Just like many physical ailments, there may be no "cure" - high blood pressure , diabetes, and a gazillion other physical ailments have no cure as well, so it is a lifetime maintenance and preventative routine needed to prevent symptoms from returning or worsening.

    I would really recommend you try professional help again. While you were upset that the therapist over empathized there are just a s many members upset that their treatment team seems detached and not to care at all. The point is that it is not a one size fits all solution. If you are fortunate enough to get counseling in the UK please consider returning as it is very difficult to get from the public sector and if it was private then simply choose a different therapist and talk to your GP. There are solutions for you if you give them a chance and do not accept that there is not one simply because the first try was not successful.
  5. invisi.ble

    invisi.ble New Member

    Thank you both so much, your replies do mean a lot to me :) I have quit blaming all the 'ifs' like 'if i were prettier, if i were richer' a while ago just because i understood that people who have much less can be much happier, so the problem is obviously not there. But with counselling again... I don't know if I can take that look in someone's eyes anymore, i just made me feel more sorry about myself and i'm really tired of feeling sorry . Also, the counsellor was the one from my university and I'm afraid of going there again because I don't want to risk my place here or getting my degree - it was not easy at all getting where i am. This is when i stopped ignoring the 'ifs' really - i thought if i managed to leave it will all be better - but apparently running doesn't do the trick, it's me who's the problem. After the last big low in my life I started drinking a lot, going out, doing drugs - all the stereotypical kids stuff - only that i feel like this is my only escape - the only time i really feel good about myself, that i feel happy and confident - even though i realise it's gone beyond just 'recreational use'. for me it's more like 'having a life' use. I don't have any real friends because no one really knows about my situation - everyone I meet gets to know the hippie-happy-fun & games me, and I think this makes it all worse.
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