I don't know what the traditional introduction format would be for a place like this. I admit I've been putting off joining a 'suicide' forum for many years now, but of late my life has taken such a big dive that I'm going to need all the help I can get. Even though my hatred refuses to allow me to accept any help I recieve (most of the time), I'm at war with myself and I'm not giving up just yet. This fight has been ongoing for 13 and a half years straight, longer than any recent modern wars. The thing is, I've been going it alone, mainly because I am a very outcasted individual, yet there are those few people who seem to want to accept me, but with limitations. I don't think there's a such thing as a 'true' friend in this world. At this point I don't want any friends (yet I have like 10 IRL, but only 1 of them is worth being called a friend). My emotions are a right mess right now, so excuse me if my banter seems un-organized, plus I'm listening to Iheart radio, which is interfering with my concentration. Let me give a brief bit of background. First and foremost my name is Tyler, I'm a 21-year-old black male, I happen to also be both gay & a furry. On a note about those last two, I'm extremely sensitive about my sexual orientation and about the fact I'm a furry, so if anyone dares give me shit about either, expect hell in return. It's not a threat, just a dead serious promise. I'm also very anti-religion, anti-republican, anti-conservative, and a multitude of other things. I'm not an atheist, I do believe there's a God, but I currently hate him for numerous reasons. I'd advise those of you with religious backgrounds/ties to kindly leave me alone. Same goes for any Republicans or Conservatives. Oh and anti-gay/anti-furry people too. I hate them the most. Now with all that squared away, let's go into my suicidal background. My suicidal idealations (psychiatry term) started back when I was around 8 years old, which is the first time I allowed the thought of self-inflicted death cross my mind. As far actual suicide attempts, that started back in 2009. Plans were made, never followed through as I didn't have the heart or nerve to do it, plus there was a fear of being caught. I finally came to bear with the enemy (suicide) last year. (mod edit. actual methods in suicidal attempts) I don't wish to share why my life is in decline, I don't wish to share my past or present, I don't forsee a future for myself. As it is of now, I'm undergoing another suicide attempt. I wont say what it is (one of the ones on that list), but needless to say, I'm down to my last straw with life, God, humans, and myself. I know for a fact my birth was a huge mistake, and that this isn't the proper world to be born both black and gay. That's not the worst of it, but I can't mention those things here. I'm way too deep for my own good, so to unearth me would be like taking 1/4 of the universe and making it the size of a golf ball. What do I desire out of this forum? I don't want friends, it's likely all I'll get is enemies (many people online/offline just don't seem to like me). What I do want though, if it's remotely real, is one person whom I can confide literally anything with and wont be judged or rejected by said individual. I doubt such a human exists. Talking to God is no longer an option. I hate him anyways. I was told by one friend IRL that I need a man. I called her on total BS, as a boyfriend wouldn't do me any good. My heart no longer works, corrupted by many years of hatred, anger, sadness, loneliness, and other negative things. I practically feel like I have the heart of a demon, a heart that blocks love and doesn't project it either. No human can reach my heart, nor can God. I belong to Satan I think, and maybe he created me. I just genuinely don't know who or what I am anymore. I just feel like something this world doesn't want nor need, as such I feel compelled to kill myself at any chance I can find, but something is keeping me going. What, I haven't a clue, but whatever it is needs to die. I'm fed up being here on earth, I want out! I want out now! Before anyone suggests therapy/counseling, did four solid months of it in 2012, didn't work. Actually I'm worse now then I was back then, so no psychiatrist or therapist, or counselor in the world could fix me. I don't want to be 'fixed', I want to be solved. I'd rather solve myself but that's impossible. I'm just......I don't know. At any rate, I suppose I'm looking forward to meeting & greeting people, but I already forsee that one or two of you will piss me off from day one. I wont cause any trouble here if I can help it, I'll just utilize the Ignore list accordingly. ~Tyler P.S. If anyone has any questions about me, you are welcome to ask and I'll provide the best answer I can. Bear in mind not all my answers will be the truth.