Here Comes Trouble (Maybe)

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Eugene2013, Jul 15, 2013.

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  1. Eugene2013

    Eugene2013 Banned Member

    I don't know what the traditional introduction format would be for a place like this. I admit I've been putting off joining a 'suicide' forum for many years now, but of late my life has taken such a big dive that I'm going to need all the help I can get. Even though my hatred refuses to allow me to accept any help I recieve (most of the time), I'm at war with myself and I'm not giving up just yet. This fight has been ongoing for 13 and a half years straight, longer than any recent modern wars. The thing is, I've been going it alone, mainly because I am a very outcasted individual, yet there are those few people who seem to want to accept me, but with limitations. I don't think there's a such thing as a 'true' friend in this world. At this point I don't want any friends (yet I have like 10 IRL, but only 1 of them is worth being called a friend). My emotions are a right mess right now, so excuse me if my banter seems un-organized, plus I'm listening to Iheart radio, which is interfering with my concentration.

    Let me give a brief bit of background. First and foremost my name is Tyler, I'm a 21-year-old black male, I happen to also be both gay & a furry. On a note about those last two, I'm extremely sensitive about my sexual orientation and about the fact I'm a furry, so if anyone dares give me shit about either, expect hell in return. It's not a threat, just a dead serious promise.

    I'm also very anti-religion, anti-republican, anti-conservative, and a multitude of other things. I'm not an atheist, I do believe there's a God, but I currently hate him for numerous reasons. I'd advise those of you with religious backgrounds/ties to kindly leave me alone. Same goes for any Republicans or Conservatives. Oh and anti-gay/anti-furry people too. I hate them the most.

    Now with all that squared away, let's go into my suicidal background. My suicidal idealations (psychiatry term) started back when I was around 8 years old, which is the first time I allowed the thought of self-inflicted death cross my mind. As far actual suicide attempts, that started back in 2009. Plans were made, never followed through as I didn't have the heart or nerve to do it, plus there was a fear of being caught. I finally came to bear with the enemy (suicide) last year. (mod edit. actual methods in suicidal attempts)

    I don't wish to share why my life is in decline, I don't wish to share my past or present, I don't forsee a future for myself. As it is of now, I'm undergoing another suicide attempt. I wont say what it is (one of the ones on that list), but needless to say, I'm down to my last straw with life, God, humans, and myself. I know for a fact my birth was a huge mistake, and that this isn't the proper world to be born both black and gay. That's not the worst of it, but I can't mention those things here. I'm way too deep for my own good, so to unearth me would be like taking 1/4 of the universe and making it the size of a golf ball.

    What do I desire out of this forum?

    I don't want friends, it's likely all I'll get is enemies (many people online/offline just don't seem to like me). What I do want though, if it's remotely real, is one person whom I can confide literally anything with and wont be judged or rejected by said individual. I doubt such a human exists. Talking to God is no longer an option. I hate him anyways. I was told by one friend IRL that I need a man. I called her on total BS, as a boyfriend wouldn't do me any good. My heart no longer works, corrupted by many years of hatred, anger, sadness, loneliness, and other negative things. I practically feel like I have the heart of a demon, a heart that blocks love and doesn't project it either. No human can reach my heart, nor can God. I belong to Satan I think, and maybe he created me.

    I just genuinely don't know who or what I am anymore. I just feel like something this world doesn't want nor need, as such I feel compelled to kill myself at any chance I can find, but something is keeping me going. What, I haven't a clue, but whatever it is needs to die. I'm fed up being here on earth, I want out! I want out now!

    Before anyone suggests therapy/counseling, did four solid months of it in 2012, didn't work. Actually I'm worse now then I was back then, so no psychiatrist or therapist, or counselor in the world could fix me. I don't want to be 'fixed', I want to be solved. I'd rather solve myself but that's impossible.

    I'm just......I don't know. At any rate, I suppose I'm looking forward to meeting & greeting people, but I already forsee that one or two of you will piss me off from day one. I wont cause any trouble here if I can help it, I'll just utilize the Ignore list accordingly.


    P.S. If anyone has any questions about me, you are welcome to ask and I'll provide the best answer I can. Bear in mind not all my answers will be the truth.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 15, 2013
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Welcome and I hope you find support here...may I suggest that, when reading a post/response, you step back and see the intent of the member...cyber is a very limited medium, and one which is hard to evaluate according to intention...our community is one of caring and support, and yes, there are times when a post is written that may not be congruous with our individual ways of communicating, but mostly, I have found people mean well...also, as we are a global community; for many people, English is not their primary language, again complicating the welcome again and please continue to let us know how you are doing
  3. snarrylover

    snarrylover Well-Known Member

    That was quite an entrance!

    I think you'll find this to be quite a welcoming site - lots of different opinions, but an altogether accepting atmosphere. The Soap Box part of the forum is the best way to air those opinions and gain a feel for who agrees or disagrees with your stance, or start a diary on here if you don't want people to comment. I can honestly say I haven't had any serious arguments with a member of the site, though there are a few I've clashed with once or twice and I am very opinionated on certain matters (like you, I'm quite anti-religion and I hate anti-gay people.)

    I hope you get out of the forum what you are looking for. I'm sorry the world is such a shit place for you - I hope you find reasons to stay on it though.

    I look forward to conversing with you in various threads!
  4. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hey Tyler. i hardly have much to add after reading what sadeyes and Snarrylover said. I too am not intereted at all in religion. AND anti gay people make my blood boil. As was said before here, this is a really good community. Caring people. I have only read comments by one person that was honestly agressive. And I have read thousands of posts here.

    I keep a "diary' Here. People can read but not comment, as Snarrylover said. Here's the link to access the two different kinds of diaries/journals you can start And Snarrylover also mentioned soapbox. People talk politics and religion there. I personally can be very triggered by religion. And I am not alone. So the fact that you are opposed to it personally is no problem at all. In fact, discussion of it is limited to soapbox area.

    I hope you find some people here with whom you can talk. You might even like the chatroom area. Glad you are here
  5. Eugene2013

    Eugene2013 Banned Member

    Okay so appearantly a recent discussion held in chatroom wasn't allowed, and i wasn't trying to incite anything I just wanted some advice, but before I could even finish talking, someone decides it'd be nice to boot me. Then I aksed for a link that was shown, but the pop up was blocked, now it's un-blocked but I still need the link. It was to a hatred forum, I think, which I'm in dire need of. Look I'm sorry if I broke a rule but damnit I'm new here and full of way too much muck inside. If ya'll want me to leave just say it, don't go randomly Lording it over me with your mod powers.
  6. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Eugene, the discussion in chat was inappropriate and was bothering people. We are not a hate site and don't promote that here. I asked you to please read the rules, but to continue to discuss and ask for links to hate sites, Hitler, etc., is disturbing to other individuals who are in chat. I apologize that it may have felt like I was "Lording" over you, but I was really just merely protecting the other users. Thank you for understanding.
  7. Eugene2013

    Eugene2013 Banned Member

    I only asked for it after it was posted but the pop-up was blocked. Further more, I didn't ask for sites to Hitler and etc I'll have you know.

    But whatever, I've sent a message in LTM, hopefully it'll be answered soon. I'm pissed at this whole forum already, and it's all thanks to you. You said it yourself in chat, this might not be the place for me. Well then, I know when I'm not wanted and that's practically everywhere. It's a big internet, but where do I belong?
  8. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    sigh. Thanks pickwithaustin for helping :hug:
  9. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    hello and welcome.

    hope you find support here

    i guess with the format for intros, it's diffrent to all members... you just share what you feel safe to
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