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here goes another silly story... this time its mine...

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I just wanted to post my story...
Its been a while since I last spoke about it (1 year)... So i just feel the need to talk about what I feel.
Well, it all started like 3 years ago, when I was 13 years old.
Since I was a small girl, I was into rock. I play bass. And the kind of people I met while groing up werent the kind you want your daughter to hang out with. Soon enough, I started abusing drugs. Started with pot ended with pills like Xtasy, when I went to raves just for fun even though I was a rock chick and a young one.
At 12/02/04 was my first attempt in suicide: <mod edit: bunny - methods>. This was due to my feelings. I wasnt happy, I ran several times from home, got drunk, abused physically and sexually.
After this last attempt, my parents started giving me attention, but I guess this wasnt what I was seeking. I always told them to fuck off and ran away from home. Due to this, my mom fainted several times as she had diabeties problems and other health issue. At the middle of this year, I had a boyfriend, a 20 year old guy... yes... he is old. In September 04, I found out I was pregnant. I told my mom, she went crazy, my bro wanted to kill the guy, my dad never knew... I had to stop smoking (I used to smoke 1 pack and a half) and stop drinking (I mostly drunk vodka or whisky...these r my favorites)
Since I live in a arabic country (MEA), pregnacy stopping is not allowed unless the child had some troubles in developping. In December I had to flew all the way to canada, where I have my sister and uncle. There, I did the abortion. I didnt want to know, but I think my baby was a girl... I wanted to name her Kaytlen, but my nom didnt let me keep her for i was indeed very young...
This led me to a major deression, as u can see, this was MY BABY, and I love children. I went deeper in drinking and drugs. Run away from home for one month living with a so-called friend. this is when i started going to raves and taking Xtasy & shitty stuff... I still remeber the shitty white pill with a mitsubishi symbol on it... I called every once in while my mom, I can still hear her crying on the phone and telling her I will come back dont worry, but if you come and get me now I will kill my self (I would)... and that dont worry,I am safe.
Eventually, I did come back home, I lost 1 year of school. When I returned, its was in (I think) July 05, after a couple of weeks, I took my dad's gun, and tried to kill my self,... Bad shot, didnt kill myself, i just hurt myself realy badly, now i have damage in one ear, coz the bullet passed right above and next to it. And I have a little scar on my head, right above my ear even though the bullet didnt touch me, but I guess it was due to the bullet speed.
After this, 6 days in the hospital. My dad refuse even to say I am his daughter, he doesnt talk to me, my mom crying her eyes out was thinking to end her life also, my bro looking at me in hatred, didnt say a word. My sister just called and cried on the phone from canada.
I was tired and I wanted to die. That's when, suddenly I woke up, I realy dont know why, and said I want a second chance and I want to start all over...
I joined for a while the red cross junior. We moved, I changed friends, phone number, e-mail and everything. I was willing to become a better person...
Now, all I want is to help depressed people, donno, it makes me feel usefull, not a total waste of human life, to repay everything I did, to thank God for giving me a second chance.
All of this I can forget... but never my little baby girl... I wish she was still with me... When my best friend knew I was pregnant, she knew I wanted a girl, and I wanted to name her Kaytlen, so she bought me this little baby pyjama, color baby blue, written on it Kaytlen (the name was added by her mom)... I still have it. you know this smell of baby powder that you smell in baby's shops? its still on it... She was my baby girl... Now, I am 16, and I still kiss the little suit everytime i think about her, or everytime I am happy, or sad... I miss my Kaytlen...
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wow, it sounds like you really did have a hard time. I'm glad you made it
through your troubles, I don't know if I could have standed the loss of a losing a child if I wanted to keep it, even at that young of an age.

From what I've seen of you from our msn conversation, you are going to become an awesome contributor to this site.

I hope you have a good time here, and you remain stable. On behalf of the SF site, Welcome!! *hug

One who listens..


Well-Known Member
Your story almost made me cry.i had tears in my eyes and i dont cry very often.i could hear your pain and suffering and especially regarding your little girl.YOu have been through such a lot for such a young age.i am 23 now but i cant imagine what it is like to go thorugh all you have by age 16.i know you may not always feel it but i think that you are very strong and brave.i think you were brave to write out your story and im so glad you found us.i hope you will be too.And welcome.

If you want to talk more on this thread we are here.And if you ever need/want a friend,would prefer to talk privately or just want some additonal support or just a chat then i am always here.Feel free to PM [private message] or contact me however anytime.i would always be priveledged to be your friend.

Please look after yourself and hope to see you around again soon.

Take care
Now, all I want is to help depressed people, donno, it makes me feel usefull, not a total waste of human life, to repay everything I did, to thank God for giving me a second chance.
that's a very intelligent and empathetic goal. you are going to use your suffering and heartache to motivate and strategize yourself in order to help others. great to see this advancement in you. don't forget to help yourself the most. the stronger and more refined and wise you are, the better quality of support/compassion you can offer others.

i dig the bass!
I have a lot of respect for people who have gone through so much, and yet still manage to pull themselves out in the end. Thanks for sharing your story! It is always inpsiring to see people move on after all those horrible things have happened. I wish you the best of luck to your future!

On a side note, I noticed you lived in Lebanon. If this is the Lebanon in Ohio, you live only 30 minutes away from me!!! (Forgive me for straying from the topic-I just felt the inexplicable urge to spontaneously inform anyone who cares about this.)
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