Here Goes Nothing

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by BigEyedFish, Sep 6, 2010.

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  1. BigEyedFish

    BigEyedFish New Member

    I'm Chris, 27, in the middle of a quarter-life crisis of sorts.

    I'll be really honest here, I've been having very dark thoughts, but I don't think it's reached crisis level yet. My goal is to seek advice to keep that from happening.

    First, some notable details of my life. I live in South Carolina at the moment, and I hate it. I live with my mother. I have been diagnosed with depression and seasonal affective disorder.

    I used to be a happy go lucky kind of person, the type of guy who would take everything all in stride. I find myself contemplating the unthinkable on a daily basis. I find myself holding contempt for humanity in general and the world. It doesn't mean I'm going postal or anything like that. I tend to think deeply about psychology, people's true motivations for things, the decay of society in general, and probably expending mental energy that could be better focused.

    My depression began in 2002 with the death of my grandmother. She was the anchor for me, and today would have been her 83rd birthday. I was a sophomore in college at the time. I've always been one to internalize things, so it never really hit me. I never cried at her funeral. I've always wanted to appear tough to the outside world, so I'm...anti-emotional...I guess? But sometimes I like to just go off and cry for hours, and write music. I consider it a therapeutic outlet.

    I made it through the rest of college, graduated with a bachelor's degree. I guess that's where things went wrong. You see, they don't tell you during advisement that your degree is essentially useless. So I struggled to find a job for a few months before applying to law school, and I was accepted to a bottom-of-the-barrel law school in the middle of nowhere.

    I guess it's here that things intensified. I became socially isolated (as an only child, I've always felt this way, especially moving around alot during my childhood due to things like evictions, expulsions from school, etc.), the short days in the mountains really didn't help my SAD nor my depression. I began to drink very heavily, I abused marijuana and prescription medication. This wasn't unusual for law school, and I felt that it help me get through.

    In June of 2007, after two years of law school, I was academically dismissed after a terrible semester. In law school, grading is based on one final exam, and at the time I was going through more than I could possible handle. The previous semester, my Aunt, who had been more like a mother to me than my own, passed away after a battle with diabetes. During finals, the school refused to give me any leeway, such as allowing me to take the exam at a later time. According to their policy, she did not constitute the definition of immediate family.

    I should add here that in the semester proceeding my dismissal, I first attempted suicide. I'm not going to go into the details, but let's just say that the only reason I'm alive is either an amazing physical system or a miracle. I also tried again upon my dismissal, the same method, the same results. I never told anyone a thing. It was as if I was leading a double life. At the time, I had moved from law school in that hell hole back "home" with my father and my common law stepmother. Living in an economically depressed area, I struggled to find work. Despite some interviews, I couldn't get past the fact, I couldn't explain to someone that I had flunked out of law school. How do you do that?

    I should add here that during law school my apartment was raided by police because someone decided it would be convenient to concoct a story about how I had threatened to harm others. I may have been a loner (i.e a New Yorker in the middle of nowhere in the South) but I sure as hell wouldn't do anything like that. After that, I was forced to undergo a psychological evaluation and therapy. They both were largely unproductive because I suppressed everything. I learned enough in my psych courses to do that.

    I got a job with a large health insurance company a few months later, where my job was basically to be yelled at all day, chained to a phone...or customer service. I was treated like absolute crap there, struggled to be independent and pay my own way despite having to pay back student loans. I began to drink heavily again and abuse marijuana, although as time passed marijuana was where it was at for me. I would come home from work each night and smoke until I passed out.

    I sought help, realizing that I had a problem, but I was, I felt, ridiculed and put on the back burner, so I stopped pursuing it. After a year on the job, I decided that I couldn't do it anymore. The company had denied hundreds of thousands of dollars of claim payments to a young leukemia patient who had died, and I listened to his mother commit suicide on the phone. I remember that day I sat there off the phone for a few minutes until being berated by my supervisor. When I explained to her the situation, she just told me that I was being placed on warning and I should have transferred the call. After attempting to go back to work I decided to take the rest of the day off. After much thought, I tendered my resignation the next day.

    A month of so later, after suffering from anxiety-related insomnia and days of not sleeping, I was hospitalized for 72 hours, self-admission on the advice of social workers at the hospital, while it was a positive experience, I saw that compared to others, I wasn't crazy!

    IT (quitting my job) was an ill-advised decision from a financial standpoint, but I couldn't take it anymore. I became homeless for a short time, but I was sober and reality got to be too much. I moved in with family down south, looking to make a new start. So far, it has been terrible.

    My mother has been addicted to drugs her entire life. With the way my father describes it, it is a real miracle I turned out the way I did. She continues to this day to abuse them, and manages to hide her abuse with pharmaceutical medications. My father was a recovering alcoholic who has got his life together and he has been the rock in my life, a stern, critical, but caring person.

    Anyway, after job hopping here for a couple of years, I find myself in serious financial dire straits. I have defaulted on all of my student loans, some of which my father co-signed, placing him in a bad situation, my mother has just given me 30 days notice to move out, and I've never felt more alone in my life. So I thought I'd turn to some strangers on the internet. After using pot on and off for the past two years, I've decided that this is not a productive course of action for me. I've been largely alcohol free for the past two years with the exception of four relapses, triggered by crises situations. I have not attempted suicide, either.

    I did find myself in a co-dependent relationship when I first made the move. It was not until I was dating her for a few months that I found out her history of self-harm (cutting) and suicide attempts. I had to end that. I've had trouble finding quality friends and a support system here because it seems like everyone are substance abusers and sociopaths.

    I wish, sometimes, that I could just start a new life. I sought professional help at the local county mental services board, but I was turned away...twice. The second therapist was so nasty that I told her she should find another line of work. I visited a private psychologist who recommended that I attend some group home situation in Maine for at least a year, but at $10,000 per month, I don't know any normal person who could afford that.

    I've reached the conclusion that much of the industry (mental health) is absolute b.s. I do believe that mental illness is a very real thing that affects people, but capitalizing from it is wrong. Maybe I'm wrong, but I know it's all in my head and I wish I could just get it out of my head.

    Right now I'm looking to get a new start outside the United States. I've reached the conclusion that I hate it here, and it would take care of my financial problems. Normally I'm of the belief that you can't run away from your problems, but in this case, it's probably the best course of action.

    Anyway, I'm writing this to introduce myself, as a survivor of suicide who still struggles, and to hopefully get advice as to what I should do with my to live a little better, coping strategies, etc.

    Thanks for reading and be well.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Thanks for the introduction and welcome to SF
  3. BigEyedFish

    BigEyedFish New Member

    Thank you.
  4. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum, Chris ~
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