Here goes Nothing.

[Jess]

Literally.

Okay, I decided I owe you all, and myself some sort of an explanation. I don't expect much, let alone anything from this post other that maybe some clarification for myself as I've ruined a lot of friendships here. and irl for what ever that matters. I suppose this is more for me than anyone else as it's going to be long and why should any of you care about my stupid babble here... anyways, as the title says.. here it goes..

The past few weeks that I've been back in school have been disheveled. To say the least. I thought a lot about this last night while I lay awake in my bed, unable to sleep because I can't breathe but anyways, While I've been determined to do better this year that i have the past two years of highschool... I'm not doing too great. I'm trying though. and while that should be enough because, what else can we do? We try and try... but whether we succeed or not... is beside the point. I guess this year kinda freaks me out because it's Junior year for crying out loud. After this year I'm a senior.. then this mess, this life, this place I've put my entire life into, highschool... is over. I know I constantly talk about how I hate highschool and how I have almost no one there I can call a friend. While 99% of that's true. I know I'll miss it when I'm gone. Regardless of how much it's hurt me, the people there have hurt me, or how hard it's been on me emotionally etc. It's still all I've known. Wake up, go to school, come home. That's been my routine (not including vacations) since I was 5! almost 12 years....

I'm sure that all those adults out there who read this (if any do!) can understand this since you've all passed this point and have gone far beyond the tiny world of highschool corridors. Maybe I'm being pathetic with how I'm thinking about this.. but hell, this is the only explanation I can give myself.

Stress. By definition " To subject to physical or mental pressure, tension, or strain.". I think life lately has fit that definition. Between having work, school and sports. I quit soccer. I'm debating still, whether or not to play basketball. and I've been trying to make all the softball practices and strengthening exercise meetings as possible. But since school has taken over the week days for the most part, work has taken my weekends (and few days after school) that leaves almost no time for softball. I don't know if anyone here or anywhere knows how much softball means to me. I live for the summer days of having 5+ games in a day. Being totally exhausted... etc. I live for those days. Take that away and what do I have? work.. and school. I know that school now will take me far years down the road.. but what ever happened to living in the moment? you can't always look forward can you? I can't seem to.. and that's what's depressing me.

Call me stupid, call me what you will. But I don't care what's waiting around the corner when I can't stand what's right in front of me. I'd rather have nothing.. then have something I can't stand. and I can say that with all honesty.

I may not be the most popular person, but I do have few friends.. and having spent all my time on school and work, I don't get a chance to talk to them, let alone spend time with them.


I don't know what I plan on doing.. but somethings gotta change. before I really mess up.


sorry it's so long.. like I said, no need to read.. but I guess if you're at this point you have.. thanks... ermm....

 

[blub]

Really sounds exhausting, almost only goint to school and work. I don't know the rest of your situatian, but can't you work a little less?

 

[wienerman]

hun, you have said exactly how i thought you felt, and i wish i could help you more. like i have said before i feel you have far too much pressure on you for your young age, however you are handling it amazingly well. in my opinion you should give up your job, or at least reduce the hours you work to one day a weekend. you need to free up time for school work and your hobbies, you need to find a resolution that makes you happy, that is the main thing, you need to be happy. with regards to school you need to do well to get a good future but that shouldnt get in the way of you playing softball. it is a balancing act that you are learning, which is so useful for the future as well as learning to deal with a large amount of pressure.

i am sorry if it seems that i make a big deal of your age, but you are doing so well hun. you just need to hold on in there, and things could get really interesting very soon, like you could play softball professionally. i know how much you love it and how it is your life.

generally i am so proud of you hun in what you do, and i will be here to support you if you need, i am one friend who you cannot ruin unless you try really really really hard.

:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

sorry if this is a bit of a rubbish reply, but im just throwing my feelings out onto the page.

 

[Wonderstuff]

I can only agree with Alex. You're doing too much hun :hug: if you can just find a way to cut down on your work...All work and no play is bad for your health.
And sorry this is so short, but I can't really say anything that hasn't already been said.
You're such a great person Jess, just under a lot of stress and strain at the moment :hug: I hope it all works out for you!

 

[Jess]

Thanks guys, for the replies I mean......

I wish I could say I was deserving of your kindness here :sad:

Well.... I went to my counselor today to see if I could change levels for my classes.. to, not necessarily easier classes.. but less of a work load so I don't get so overwhelmed when I come home... but considering it's so far into the year... changing will be difficult if possible..

When I went to see him, I was near tears but he didn't notice. I sat there while he was looking everything up about my schedule on the computer wonder why can't you see how bad I feel right now? why?? am I that invisible to the real world?? but I sucked it up and he said that he'd have me back down to his office to figure the issue out later that day.... he never called me down...... maybe it was just busy.. I'll wait till tomorrow...


If someone trained in these sorts of things.. I mean, he's not just there to deal with scheduling issues.. he's actually a counselor... if even he can't see what's going on.. when I'm on the verge of tears.. who will? I hate to say that I'm too scared to reach out on my own irl... I lie a lot easier.... why can't someone just confront me? I know this is probably asking a lot and if I truly want help then I need to seek it.. but.... :cry: what if that means life or death?

 

[Sadeyes]

hi Sweetie...just sending you big hugs and caring thoughts right now...and thanks for the text...it really made me less anxious...we will talk soon and i hope things do get less stressful if your classes can be changed...as an end note, i was almost expelled from high school, and on academic probation for 2 yrs in college...so not everyone matures at the same rate...glad to say, i finally figured out the system! and i am sure you will too...love ya kiddo

 

[Jess]

Thanks Jackie,

No need to thank me for the text. I didn't want you to worry.. that's why I did it.. both times now :unsure: Thanks for replying.... much appreciated!

Okay, so here's the deal.. I can't drop the AP class afterall... my counselor's ignored me today too.. Great. Anyways, I can maybe, possibley.. not sure... drop it at the half year mark. I know I could do the class, my teachers know this and so does everyone else.. just the work is so much since it's basically college course and not having the time to sit down and focus enough to do it and practice.. blah blah blah... anyways, long story short I have to suffer through the first half of the year then instead I can switch to VHS or internship... ermm.. though I don't think there's any internship for me.... anyways... I'm just concerned about my GPA... this will kill it for sure....

oh yea... one last note. The fall this past friday.. I did get it looked at.. after turning fun colors and well... I'll leave out the gruesome details... but I possibley need surgery.. I still have to go see a hand specialist.. I partially tore a ligament in my hand. my UCL... for those who will know what that means :blink: I do now... but yea..

Will try and keep y'all posted on what's going on...

Sorry I'm never around anymore... just when I have the time I don't feel like I should bother coming to chat or posting anything really since I'm such crap.... :sad: so sorry.

I hope all is well with everyone else.. I do read most of the posts that go on though I don't reply.... just.. I don't have anything worthwile to say...

Take care