J
Literally.
Okay, I decided I owe you all, and myself some sort of an explanation. I don't expect much, let alone anything from this post other that maybe some clarification for myself as I've ruined a lot of friendships here. and irl for what ever that matters. I suppose this is more for me than anyone else as it's going to be long and why should any of you care about my stupid babble here... anyways, as the title says.. here it goes..
The past few weeks that I've been back in school have been disheveled. To say the least. I thought a lot about this last night while I lay awake in my bed, unable to sleep because I can't breathe
but anyways, While I've been determined to do better this year that i have the past two years of highschool... I'm not doing too great. I'm trying though. and while that should be enough because, what else can we do? We try and try... but whether we succeed or not... is beside the point. I guess this year kinda freaks me out because it's Junior year for crying out loud. After this year I'm a senior.. then this mess, this life, this place I've put my entire life into, highschool... is over. I know I constantly talk about how I hate highschool and how I have almost no one there I can call a friend. While 99% of that's true. I know I'll miss it when I'm gone. Regardless of how much it's hurt me, the people there have hurt me, or how hard it's been on me emotionally etc. It's still all I've known. Wake up, go to school, come home. That's been my routine (not including vacations) since I was 5! almost 12 years....
I'm sure that all those adults out there who read this (if any do!) can understand this since you've all passed this point and have gone far beyond the tiny world of highschool corridors. Maybe I'm being pathetic with how I'm thinking about this.. but hell, this is the only explanation I can give myself.
Stress. By definition " To subject to physical or mental pressure, tension, or strain.". I think life lately has fit that definition. Between having work, school and sports. I quit soccer. I'm debating still, whether or not to play basketball. and I've been trying to make all the softball practices and strengthening exercise meetings as possible. But since school has taken over the week days for the most part, work has taken my weekends (and few days after school) that leaves almost no time for softball. I don't know if anyone here or anywhere knows how much softball means to me. I live for the summer days of having 5+ games in a day. Being totally exhausted... etc. I live for those days. Take that away and what do I have? work.. and school. I know that school now will take me far years down the road.. but what ever happened to living in the moment? you can't always look forward can you? I can't seem to.. and that's what's depressing me.
Call me stupid, call me what you will. But I don't care what's waiting around the corner when I can't stand what's right in front of me. I'd rather have nothing.. then have something I can't stand. and I can say that with all honesty.
I may not be the most popular person, but I do have few friends.. and having spent all my time on school and work, I don't get a chance to talk to them, let alone spend time with them.
I don't know what I plan on doing.. but somethings gotta change. before I really mess up.
sorry it's so long.. like I said, no need to read.. but I guess if you're at this point you have.. thanks... ermm....
Okay, I decided I owe you all, and myself some sort of an explanation. I don't expect much, let alone anything from this post other that maybe some clarification for myself as I've ruined a lot of friendships here. and irl for what ever that matters. I suppose this is more for me than anyone else as it's going to be long and why should any of you care about my stupid babble here... anyways, as the title says.. here it goes..
The past few weeks that I've been back in school have been disheveled. To say the least. I thought a lot about this last night while I lay awake in my bed, unable to sleep because I can't breathe

I'm sure that all those adults out there who read this (if any do!) can understand this since you've all passed this point and have gone far beyond the tiny world of highschool corridors. Maybe I'm being pathetic with how I'm thinking about this.. but hell, this is the only explanation I can give myself.
Stress. By definition " To subject to physical or mental pressure, tension, or strain.". I think life lately has fit that definition. Between having work, school and sports. I quit soccer. I'm debating still, whether or not to play basketball. and I've been trying to make all the softball practices and strengthening exercise meetings as possible. But since school has taken over the week days for the most part, work has taken my weekends (and few days after school) that leaves almost no time for softball. I don't know if anyone here or anywhere knows how much softball means to me. I live for the summer days of having 5+ games in a day. Being totally exhausted... etc. I live for those days. Take that away and what do I have? work.. and school. I know that school now will take me far years down the road.. but what ever happened to living in the moment? you can't always look forward can you? I can't seem to.. and that's what's depressing me.
Call me stupid, call me what you will. But I don't care what's waiting around the corner when I can't stand what's right in front of me. I'd rather have nothing.. then have something I can't stand. and I can say that with all honesty.
I may not be the most popular person, but I do have few friends.. and having spent all my time on school and work, I don't get a chance to talk to them, let alone spend time with them.
I don't know what I plan on doing.. but somethings gotta change. before I really mess up.
sorry it's so long.. like I said, no need to read.. but I guess if you're at this point you have.. thanks... ermm....
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